Horrible Bosses Page #4

Look, I'm really kind of

not in the mood for this.

Not in the mood for what?

- Hi.

- Hi, babe.

Oh, what are you doing here?

- I invited her.

-Yes. She called.

And she said that now that we're engaged,

she wanted to offer me free dental work.

-And you know I have that loose filling.

- Yeah.

This really was so, so sweet of you, Julia.

Oh, please. Come on, Stacy,

it's my pleasure.

You're part of the family now.

But, um, I don't know

if it's a good idea, sweetie.

Oh, why not?

Because we're mixing pleasure

with business. Business and pleasure.

We're taking advantage of Julia.

Dale.

There's nothing that you could do ever

that would be taking advantage of me.

- Okay?

- So sweet.

All right, you. Let's go say

we pump you full of gas, huh?

- Okay.

-Okay.

F*** me.

Ten.

Nine.

I don't know

what you're doing with your hand.

-Okay.

- Seven.

Put your hand in a safe place

because there's sharp tools here.

Oh, there she goes.

- Come here!

-What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.

My dong?

You're gonna f*** my slutty little mouth.

Do you hear the words you say sometimes?

I mean, who talks like that?

Let's have sex on top of her.

Let's use her like a bed.

Get down, get down. Hey, hey!

Get off of her.

Goddamn you! That's it, okay?

You know what? That's crossing the line.

So I'm done, Julia.

F*** this. I'm out. I don't need this job.

So goodbye, I'm quitting. I'm done.

I'm gonna tell her you f***ed me.

What?

If you don't f*** me,

I'm gonna tell her that you f***ed me.

Okay. Tell her whatever the hell you want.

She's not gonna believe you.

She already knows

that you're a sex offender.

And I think once she gets a look

at these...

...she's gonna believe me.

- What is that?

- Do you remember your first week here?

When I changed the crown

on your second bicuspid?

Yeah.

Well, I just, uh, took a few pictures

of the procedure.

- Oh, my God.

-Right?

Oh, no. What?

Oh. Ooh.

You did all this

while I was unconscious?

Ooh. Mm-hm. Yep.

That's my favorite.

- Rape.

- What?

Rape. That's a rape.

This is what raping is.

You're a raper and you've raped me.

That's a rape! Rape!

Just relax there, Jodie Foster.

Your dick wasn't even hard.

That does not give me any relief.

But it will be next time, and if it is not...

...this little sweetheart right here is gonna

get a peek at my little photo album.

So please prep the patient

for the bitewing x-ray.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

I'm in. Let's kill this b*tch!

- What b*tch?

-"What b*tch"? Guys, my boss.

Our bosses need to die. You were right,

man. We should do this thing.

We were drinking last night.

You said that killing is wrong.

I know. That was before Julia tried to f***

me on top of Stacy's unconscious body.

- Really?

-Yes, dude.

She's gone f***ing batshit crazy.

She took a bunch of photographs of me--

- Where are they?

- They'll ruin my life. I can't show them.

- It's a whole thing. You guys in or out?

- I was in last night.

- Nick, what do you say?

- Please. Let's go.

Nick, come on.

Seriously. I mean, uh, what about

your grandma, you know? Bubbe.

-Gam Gam.

- Whatever it is.

She didn't get to say goodbye

to her grandson.

Because his dickbag of a boss

wouldn't let him leave. Right?

- What would Gam Gam want you to do?

- She wouldn't want me to kill him.

Okay, forget about Gam Gam.

She's dead. You gotta accept that.

This is about you, Nick.

Okay, what do you want?

Well, obviously I want him gone.

- Exactly. So let's do this.

- Right?

- How do we do this?

-I thought about that.

Stacy and I,

we watch a ton of Law & Order.

There's all sorts of ways the bad

guys on the show mess up, right?

They leave behind skin cells

and, uh, bullet casing--

Sperm.

- Most of the time, it's sperm.

- Silent killer.

Anyway, that's not the point.

Point is...

...we're not qualified.

We gotta hire a professional.

- Are you talking about a hit man?

- Yeah.

That's a really good idea.

Yeah. We don't clean

our own apartments or cut our own hair.

- No, we pay someone to do that.

- Yeah.

Uh, where are you two

gonna find a hit man?

Why don't you guys

leave that up to me, okay?

I got this whole thing figured out.

I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow,

I'm gonna tell you where to meet me.

Why don't you just tell us now?

- Because I don't have it figured out.

- Ah.

But I will.

- Were you followed?

- Why would I be followed?

People follow people in these types

of situations. Sure you weren't?

Oh, boy. What people?

Just take one quick look around,

make sure.

- Let's put this down.

- Look around, make sure some--

-Calm down!

- That's what you get.

Shut the door, take the chain off

and let me in.

- I pissed him off already.

- Already?

What the hell's going on, huh?

What are we doing here?

- I don't want an assassin in my apartment.

- Don't want this guy knowing where we live.

Hang on, you guys already went ahead

and found someone that's coming here?

- Oh, bigtime.

- Not "we." Dale, all by himself.

- It was easy. Easy as buying a used futon.

- You found a hit man online?

Yeah. They don't write "hit man,"

right? That's dumb.

They use code words, like wet work,

right? Liquidation. Check him out.

"Skilled professional

with years of experience...

...in domestic and international

wet work.

Discreet. No children,

no political figures."

That last part was important. I saw that,

I thought, "This is a good idea."

I feel we should've got

a cheese plate for this guy.

- 20/20 hindsight.

- Is that him?

- Oh, sh*t.

-Yeah, that was definitely a car.

- He looks like James Bond.

-He really does, dude.

Bet he carries a gun you screw together.

Those are, like, the coolest guns they make.

So dangerous.

What if that is an undercover cop?

- Come on.

- What if it's the real thing?

He charges so much we can't

afford it, gets pissed, kills us.

- Kills all three of us? Hold on.

- That's a thing?

Could that happen?

- Gotta let him in.

- How's my hair?

- What do you mean?

- It doesn't matter. Let's do this. Okay.

Ready?

Yeah?

Are you Dale?

- I am the one they call Dale.

- Hmm.

Please come in.

Thank you.

Are all three of you participating in this?

- Yes.

- Well, um....

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yep.

- Yes.

Very well.

Now, before we go any further...

...I need to know if there are

any hidden recording devices in the room.

I will find out if there are.

I'm sure you would, but there's none

because that would be stupid of us.

- That's a silly move.

- It's a no.

Then let's get started.

- I love this guy.

- This is the real deal.

- His voice, you kidding?

- This guy is legit.

And you do know that

we just wanna start with a--?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, wait, what's this for?

- For the mess.

- What?

Wouldn't wanna leave a stain, now.

- Oh, my God. I knew it.

- Who's first?

- "Who's first"? No.

- We don't want you to kill us.

We want you to kill another person.

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