Horrible Bosses Page #5

If anyone's first, probably him.

No. Goddamn it.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

what are you talking about?

Your ad said you do wet work.

That's correct.

I urinate on other men for money.

- What was that?

- What'd he say?

I think he said he pisses on dudes.

Why else do you think my ad was

in the "men seeking men" section?

Where was it?

- You f***ing idiot.

- Could you be dumber?

- Why look in the "men seeking men"--?

- We are men looking for a man!

How do people

let you work on their teeth?

They don't, actually.

I just hand the tools to Julia.

Are you telling me that I've driven all this

way and nobody wants to get pissed on?

- Uh-uh.

-Well, it's not our thing.

Sorry about that.

Can I use your toilet? I stored up

rather a large amount of pee for this.

Sure. Yeah, it's right through there.

Knock yourself out.

Oh, and by the way,

I still will want my $200.

-Understandable.

- We insist.

- Two hundred, huh? A bargain.

- To kill three people?

- I thought it was such a good deal.

- Dipshit.

- Reflects poorly on me that you're my friend.

- Hear what's going on in there?

That was almost all over us.

Okay, I'm gonna

take the blame on that one.

- You bet your ass you will.

- You should take the blame.

- It was an honest mistake.

- That's not how you find a killer.

- Oh, you know how to find a killer?

- Yeah, I bet I--

Yeah, hey, you know what?

Yeah. I got an idea.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Good evening, Mr. Buckman.

Thank you for contacting Nav Guide.

My name is Gregory.

How may I be of service this evening?

Yeah, we're looking for the most dangerous

bar in the city. Can you help us, please?

-We're going to dinner.

- I'm sorry?

Looking for a bar filled with criminals.

Lowlife thugs, hard-core shitheads.

- What do you got for us?

- Let's go to a restaurant.

I'm afraid our listings

are not organized by danger, sir.

I see there's an Applebee's

three blocks from your location.

-Perfect.

- No, not really helpful.

They're not the kind of shitheads

we need. Anything else?

I could direct you

to a neighborhood...

...with the greatest

number of carjackings.

- Now we're thinking outside the box.

- I wanna go to dinner.

-Love it.

- That's probably right.

Very good, sir.

You may wish to lock your doors.

-This is worse than getting pissed on.

- Shh.

- I'd rather be pissed on.

- Jesus.

You weren't kidding, Gregory.

This is, uh, a bad part of town.

You can stay on the line.

You're still there?

- I'm still here, sir.

-Just keep, uh, keep us on the line.

I'm always curious about these things,

but is your real name Gregory?

Uh, no, sir. My real name is Atmanand.

How do you get Gregory from that?

Oh. Gregory was assigned to me...

- ...by Nav Guide.

- Why not let you use your real name?

They say many Americans

find our real names hard to pronounce.

I'm not gonna play

by their rules anymore.

From now on,

I'm gonna call you Ahmenan.

- Atmanand.

-Ammenand.

-Atmanad.

- Atmanand.

I'm gonna call you Gregory,

that name's a nightmare.

- Hey, baby.

- Oh, boy.

- You hurt his feelings.

- I didn't.

You have arrived at your destination, sir.

- All right. Well, thanks, Gregory.

- You're welcome.

All right. All right, here we go.

- This is a really bad idea.

- This is a great idea.

- Gonna yell "anybody here kill for money"?

- No.

- That's a terrible plan.

- Follow me. I got this.

- Where you going?

- I don't feel we should stay.

All right.

-Bowflex?

- Shut up.

Ah.

My man.

Hey, uh, does anyone here

kill people for money?

- Kurt.

- The f*** you just say?

No, it's not a race thing.

Uh, I believe that society discriminates

and disenfranchises you folks.

- "You folks"?

-Subtle.

Man, I'm a small-business owner.

Who the hell you calling disenfranchised?

Well, not you in particular,

in that instance.

- Oh, right. You mean all black people.

- Yes.

-I'm gonna be in the car.

- Oh, a baseball bat.

Uh, I didn't mean to offend you.

I'm sorry if that's what happened.

My heart's in the right place.

In five seconds, your heart

gonna be in the wrong place.

- Four, three, two, let's roll.

- Got it. Okay. Take care.

Have a nice day. Good day to you.

Bye, baby.

Don't say a word. I know, I know.

Hit the button. Hit the button.

- Guys, I don't know. Should we quit?

- Yeah, definitely.

- Yo. Think I can help you boys.

- Is that for us?

- Here we go.

- Not interested, thank you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let's follow a strange guy

into a dark corner.

Somebody said y'all looking

for somebody to help with business.

- Yep.

- Well, um...

- ...are you a businessman?

- Yeah.

Motherf***er Jones.

- How's that?

- Motherf***er Jones.

Your first name is "Motherf***er"?

Last name Jones.

You got a problem with that?

No. No. Cool name. Yeah. Is that,

like, on your birth certificate too?

No, goofball.

My real name is Dean.

Dean Jones. Same name of

the actor in Herbie, the Love Bug.

He won't know who that is.

- I know who he is, b*tch.

- Sorry.

I can't walk around in this f***ing

neighborhood with that Disney-ass name.

How'd you get the name

Motherf***er?

When I was a kid, I snuck

into my mother's bedroom.

- Ooh.

- Uh-oh.

- She was laying there naked.

- Dean.

- She had been drinking all night.

- We get it.

And then I snuck up behind her,

and then I slipped my fingers...

- ...into her purse.

- Purse? He said "purse."

I took her money, the whole week's

pay. I really f***ed her over.

And that's how I got the name

Motherf***er Jones.

Right.

They should call you Motherf***er-Over

Jones to avoid confusion.

- What's the confusion?

- There's no confusion.

We're gonna get back on track here.

Sir, we each have a boss, uh...

...that, you know--

There's three bosses, and it would be best

if those bosses maybe were no longer....

-No longer around anymore.

- We want them...

- You know?

-...killed.

You got the cheese?

We got the cheese.

What kind of cheese are you thinking?

- What is that, three hits? That's....

- Yeah.

-Thirty large.

- Whoa.

- Hungry.

- That's a lot of cheese.

Oh, here's an idea.

If you kill two, could we get

the third one hold the cheese?

It's no negotiations.

Thirty large or nothing.

- That's more cheese than we've got.

- Okay, then. It's five large now.

Then we're in. We're in. We're in. Right?

Hang on. Wouldn't it be awful

if it was traceable back to us?

I don't even know your names.

- That is rude. This is Dale.

- Don't say my name.

Shut the f*** up. Listen. Bring the money

here tomorrow, I'll take care of the rest.

Do you want it in something specific,

a shoebox, duffel bag?

-Just be here with the f***ing money.

- Yeah.

-Put it in a briefcase.

- Thanks for your time.

Here we go.

Is the briefcase coming out of your end?

Looks like it's all there.

Didn't even need a briefcase.

It's a small stack.

- We should have used a manila envelope.

- It's all right.

What is your projected outside date

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