Horrible Bosses Page #6

of completion, Motherf***er?

Ah.

I just got back from doing a dime

for some real nasty sh*t.

- That's 10 years.

- I know.

They're looking at me. I'm on probation,

and if I step out of line...

...I'm going back.

- Right.

- Understood.

- Period? End of story?

- What does that mean?

- Wait. You said you'd take care of this.

- Yeah, I'll take care of it.

I'm gonna be your murder consultant.

I'm sorry, but, uh....

- No, man. Right? That's not cool.

- You don't shut this f***ing hamster up....

- Don't call me a hamster now. Come on.

- Easy, easy.

- It's just upsetting.

- No, it's somewhat accurate.

Look, that is not what we talked about,

Motherf***er.

So how about we just take the money

and we'll get out of here?

How about you go f*** yourself?

No refunds.

That's $5000. If you think we're just gonna

walk out and let you keep that--

-I think you're forgetting--

Don't go grabbing quickly.

Jesus.

Mr. Motherf***er, please,

don't shoot us. Let's just talk it out.

Listen, $5000 is mine.

I don't care what you say.

You can take my advice

or get the f*** out of here.

-That's a terrible deal.

- We should listen.

-Okay, $5000 worth of advice?

- Yeah.

Most killers are first-timers.

You wanna pull off a brilliant murder,

you gotta act like it's an accident.

Failed brakes, gas leaks, suicide.

You do it right, you ain't even

gotta be there when it goes down.

Oh, boy. That's five grand worth, huh?

- Pretty pedestrian.

- Not really. Obvious information, isn't it?

Sounds like Scooby-Doo. How are we

supposed to fake three accidents?

You stalk your prey.

Gotta be smart. Find out where they live,

find out their habits. What's their hobbies?

What they like, what food they like,

who they f***ing.

- Word.

- Find them vulnerable.

I have a job, you know?

What's that, surveillance and recon?

That's why we were hiring, because

we wanna sub that out. We have jobs.

Even if you pull it off perfectly...

...if you crackers got motives...

...the popo...

- That's police.

- ...will pin it to you.

We all have clear motives

for killing our bosses...

...so this is not gonna work.

This is garbage.

I got it.

Why don't you kill each other's bosses?

- That's actually a good idea.

- It's not bad.

Yeah, like Hitchcock's

Strangers on a Train, right?

- I didn't see that. They do that?

- Danny DeVito movie. It's funny.

That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny

DeVito movie. That's the one he's--

Come on. You're thinking of

Throw Momma From the Train.

- That's what it is.

- That I saw.

Good movie.

That's what you're thinking about.

Same idea, though. We kill

each other's bosses, there's no link to us.

Exactly. Five thousand dollars

well spent, right?

- No. Not at all.

- Waste of money.

Well, too f***ing bad.

Get out.

Hello.

Hey. I'm outside.

You ready to do a little recon?

Yep. Yeah. I have to get Harken

to let me leave a little bit early.

What's the difference? Not like

he'll be your boss much longer.

I'll be down in three minutes.

Three minutes it is. Bye.

He'll be down in three minutes.

- Dude, these seats are crazy comfortable.

- Look at this. I know, it's so good. Ah.

The worst report I have ever read

in my life, you nimwit.

You're such a f***ing dweeb.

Do you have a parking space?

Because I'm gonna take it away from you.

Who is it, like your mother-in-law

that knows my wife?

How you got this f***ing job,

I don't even understand.

Ugh.

What the hell?

Sorry, everybody. I've been fighting

that bug all day. Let me get back to work.

No, no, no. You're disgusting. Go home.

I don't want you getting anyone else sick.

Probably best.

Take all your work with you

and have it on my desk 6 a.m. Monday.

- You got it. Thank you, Mr. Harken.

- Jesus Christ.

- Don't forget to take your f***ing trash can.

- Yeah. No, that's mine.

You goddamn barfing pig.

Evens are over here.

I know, but sometimes on some

streets evens are on the opposite side.

Never.

Never have and they never will.

There it is, 428.

- Which one, which one?

-Don't stop right in front of it.

Stop right here. Right here, right here.

Okay, boys.

We wait till Pellit makes a move,

then we tail him, all right?

- It is on like Donkey Kong.

- Ha, ha.

- Hells yeah, man.

- Here we go, huh?

I'm f***ing pumped.

Oh, my God. This sucks.

This is horrible, man.

Are we even sure this guy's home?

- Let's go check this out.

- Yeah, we should probably look, right?

Shh.

Oh, my God.

What do you wanna do?

What's the plan?

- Let's look through this window right here.

- No, no. No, let's ring the bell.

You're not gonna ring the bell.

Look through the window right here.

Chances are, he's not home.

I haven't seen any activity in this house--

What are you doing?

You're not gonna ring the doorbell.

Whoo-hoo!

-Come on. Come on.

- Dale, Dale, Dale.

I didn't make it in.

I'm sorry, guys. Didn't make it in.

You in?

Yeah, I'm okay. Jesus Christ,

the guy owns a f***ing bear?

- We're breaking and entering here.

- I know. Shh. Oh, look at this.

Look at this place. It's awful.

It's like a douchebag museum.

It's like we stepped inside

the mind of an a**hole.

Sh*t. He's got a foosball table.

Dale! Don't touch anything.

Get your hands off that.

- Fingerprints.

- Yeah, fingerprints.

-God. We should be wearing gloves.

- We don't have-- Oh, here. I know.

Use your sleeves. Use your sleeves.

- For what?

- Use them for gloves.

- Come on.

- I can see my fingerprints from here.

- What do we do? What's the plan?

- We're here to get some intel.

- "Intel"?

- It's short for "intelligence."

- I know what it stands for.

- Then why did you ask?

Why are we talking

about this? Let's split up.

In and out, in and out. We'll find something

good, and we're in and out of here.

- Stop chatting and start looking.

-We're committing a crime. This is a crime.

Whoa.

-Nick.

- Yeah?

- Now, this would count as intel, right?

- Holy sh*t, that's a lot of cocaine.

Have you ever seen this much cocaine?

That's gotta be worth,

what, 10, 15,000--?

Oh, I blew it. I blew that, didn't I?

Hmm.

- Don't inhale.

-Grab the box. I'll scoop it in.

I really don't wanna touch it.

I don't have sleeve-gloves.

Get something to-- Ugh. I'll scoop it in.

So bitter.

Hmm.

In the butt you go, go, go.

There you go.

Big scoop.

All right, let me try this. Look out.

- Yeah, that better work.

- Watch out.

There you go.

- I don't know.

- Go slow.

Get on the couch. Stop helping.

All right.

In you go.

Ooh.

You probably should have

emptied the DustBuster first.

Is that what you think?

I was thinking that.

On account of the dust.

Well, I've heard of butt floss,

but this is ridiculous. Ha, ha.

- Get a sifter, or a--

- Colander.

Colander would be good.

And I'll start picking.

That'll do.

I feel like everything'll work out.

I'm like a machine. Look how fast I am.

I'm moving super fast.

I can't even feel my nose.

Wanna know what's weird?

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