Horse Feathers

And so, in retiring as president

of this college,

it is indeed a painful task

to bid you all goodbye.

And now, with the utmost pleasure,

may I present the man who is to guide

the destiny of this great institution:

Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff!

Professor, it is an honor

to welcome you to Huxley College.

Never mind that, hold this coat.

By the way, there's no smoking.

That's what you said.

It would please the faculty

if you would throw your cigar away.

The faculty can keep their seats.

There'll be no diving for this cigar.

Members of the faculty,

faculty members,

students of Huxley

and Huxley students!

I guess that covers everything.

I thought my razor was dull

until I heard his speech.

Which reminds me of a story so dirty

I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

As I look at your faces, I understand

why this college is flat on its back.

At my last college, it was slightly

different. I was flat on my back.

Things went from bad to worse,

but we all pulled together,

and soon I was flat on my back again.

Any questions? Any answers?

Any rags? Any bones?

Any bottles today? And rags...

Let's have some action around here.

Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776?

That's the spirit! 1776!

You'd like to know why I'm here.

I came here to get my son out.

I remember the day he left:

A mere boy and a beardless youth.

I kissed them both goodbye.

By the way, where is my son?

Young lady, would you get up

so I can see the son rise?

So, doing your homework in school, eh?

- Hello, old-timer!

I'm sure the students would appreciate

an outline of your future plans.

What? - I said they would appreciate

an outline of your future plans.

You just said that. That's the trouble

around here:
Talk, talk, talk.

I think I must go mad. Where will it

all end? What is it getting you?

Go home to your wife.

No, I'll go home to your wife.

Outside of the improvement,

she'll never know the difference.

Pull over to the side of the road

and let me see your marriage licence.

President Wagstaff, now that you

have stepped into my shoes...

Oh, is that what I stepped in?

At least you could have cleaned them.

- The trustees have a few suggestions.

I think you know what the trustees

can do with their suggestions.

"I don't know what they have to say,

it makes no difference anyway,

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

No matter what it is and who

commenced it, I'm against it.

Your proposition may be good, but

let's have one thing understood.

I'm against it!

And even when you've changed it

or condensed it, I'm against it.

I'm opposed to it.

On general principles opposed to it."

"He's opposed to it. In fact it seems

that he's opposed to it!"

"For months before my son was born,

I used to yell from night to morn:

Whatever it is, I'm against it!

And I've kept yelling since I first

commenced it:
I'm against it!"

"Knowing Dad as I do,

I'd not advise you

to displease him, or tease him.

No, no!

Don't double-cross him

or toss him around.

When dear old Dad once gets mad

he's a hound!"

"My son is right, I'm quick to fight,

I'm from a fighting clan.

When I'm abused or badly used,

I always get my man.

No matter if he's in

Peru, Peduka or Japan,

I go ahead, alive or dead,

I always get my man."

"He goes ahead, alive or dead,

he always gets his man."

"I soon dispose of all of those

who put me on the pan.

As Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale:

I always get my man."

"He always gets his man!"

"That's what I said."

- "He always gets his man!"

"That's what I mean."

- "He always gets his man!"

"You're telling me?" - "He always gets

his man!" - "Oh, are you listening?"

"He gets his man! He gets his man!"

"I always get, I always get,

I always get,

I always get, I always get,

I always get my man!"

Splendid, Professor!

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

Marvellous! - Alright scram, boys,

I'll meet you in the barber shop.

Dad, let me congratulate you.

I'm proud to be your son.

My boy, you took the words out of my

mouth:
I'm ashamed to be your father.

You're a disgrace to the family name

Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

What's this about you fooling around

with the college widow?

No wonder you've been 12 years

in the same college!

I went to 3 colleges in 12 years

and fooled around with 3 widows.

At your age

I went to bed right after supper.

Sometimes before supper. Or I went

without supper, and didn't go to bed.

A college widow stood for something

in those days. She stood for plenty.

There's nothing between me and her.

- Then you're crazy to fool with her.

But... - I don't want to talk to you

about this again, you snob!

I'd horsewhip you, if I had a horse.

You may go now.

Leave your name with the girl outside.

We'll be in touch with you.

Where are you going?

- You just told me to go.

That's what they teach you here?

I tell you to go and you leave me?

You know you can't leave a school-room

without raising your hand.

This school has had a new president

every year since 1888,

when we won our last football game.

I like education as well as the next

man... - Then let me talk to him.

...but besides education, this

college needs a good football team.

And for a good football team, you need

good football players. - My boy,

I think you've got something. I'll

wait outside until you clean it up.

One more question: Where do you get

good football players?

In the speakeasy...

- In a speakeasy?

Isn't that against the law, selling

football players in a speakeasy?

Two of the best players in the country

hang out there.

You suggest that I go there,

without even giving me the address?

go there, it isn't ethical.

It's not right for a college to buy

football players. - It isn't, eh?

Well, come on and we'll have a nip.

Better still, you wait here.

Anything further, Father? - "Anything

further, Father?" That can't be right.

Isn't it "Anything Father, further?"

The idea! I married

your mother because I wanted children.

Imagine my disappointment with you!

"And I kept yelling since I first

commenced it:
I'm against it!"

That's my proposition. How about it?

It's OK with us, Mr. Jennings, but

how are you gonna fix it?

- Don't worry, it's fixed already.

You'll be entered as Darwin students

to play in the game against Huxley.

Yeah, but how about the dough?

- Here's a little to start with.

You get the balance after the game.

With you boys playing for Darwin,

Huxley can't win. - You said it!

- Here's to dear old Darwin.

Alright boys, let's go.

Bye.

- So long.

Baravelli!

Hello?

Yes, lady, this is Baravelli,

the ice man. What do you want?

One quart of scotch,

one quart of rye.

Hold on, I see if I got 'em.

One quart of scotch.

One quart of rye.

OK, lady, I send 'em right over.

Hey, Baravelli!

What do ya want?

- Watch the door for a few minutes.

And don't let anyone in

without the password.

What is it?

- Swordfish is the password, right?

OK, I got it.

- Well, what is it? - Password.

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