Horse Feathers Page #2

Swordfish! Swordfish.

- Alright, swordfish!

Who are you? - I'm fine. Who are you?

- I'm fine, too. You need a password.

Well, what is the password?

- Oh no, you gotta tell me.

I tell what I do,

I give you three guesses.

It's the name of a fish.

- Is it Mary?

That's no fish!

- She isn't? She drinks like one.

Let me see. Is it sturgeon?

You crazy! A sturgeon, he's a doctor,

cuts you open when you sick.

You got one more chance.

- I got it. Haddock.

Funny, I gotta haddock too. - What do

you take? - Sometimes calomel...

I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

- You mean chocolate calomel. Me too.

But you no guess it.

Hey, you no understand English?

You only get in if you say swordfish.

Now, I give you one more guess.

- Swordfish... swordfish...

I think I got it. Is it swordfish?

- Ha! That's it! You guess it!

Pretty good, eh?

- Fine, you guess it...

What do you want? - To come in.

- Password? - You don't fool me!

Swordfish. - No, I got tired of that.

I changed it.

What's the password now?

- I forgot it. I better come outside.

Buddy, can you help me out?

I'd like to get a cup of coffee.

Hey, here comes my partner.

Hey, Pinky,

do you know the password?

Get up. That's no way to go into

a speakeasy. That's how you come out.

Hey, what'll you have?

He'll take a scotch.

- Right.

I got it! Swordfish.

- Go outside and see if it works.

Cut the cards.

Now, to business. I'm looking for two

football players who hang around here.

We hang around here...

- That's all I wanna know.

Prof. Wagstaff from Huxley College.

- That means nothing to me.

Means nothing to me, either.

I'll try it over again.

I'm Prof. Huxley

from Wagstaff College.

You didn't stay at the other one long.

Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

- I'll talk it over with my partner.

In case I never see you again,

what would you want to play football?

First we want a football.

- I don't know if we've got one.

If we had, would you be interested?

No rush, you can sleep on it.

I no think I can sleep on a football.

- Who's gonna settle for these drinks?

You're stuck. - Can you cash a check

for $15.22? - Sure.

Five, ten, fifteen and twenty-two.

As soon as I get the check,

I'll send it to ya. Swordfish!

Laura!

- Good morning, Mr. Wagstaff.

Am I too early? - No, shall I tell

Miss Bailey you're here? - No, I will.

Give me the tray.

Would you open the door?

Your breakfast, Madam. Anything else?

Yes, put some cream in my coffee,

and tell me where you've been.

Busy arguing with Dad about you.

How many? - Two.

Well, what about me?

- Dad wants me to give you up.

You're interfering with my studies.

He must think I'm terrible.

- I think you're wonderful. Beautiful.

Are you making love to me?

- Why not?

"Everyone says I love you, the cop

on the corner and the burglar, too,

the preacher in the pulpit and the man

in the pew, says I love you.

Everyone, no matter who,

the folks over 80 and the kid of 2,

the captain and the sailor and the

rest of the crew, says I love you.

There are only 8 little letters

in this phrase,

you will find,

but they mean a lot more

than all the other words combined.

Everywhere the whole world through,

the king and the peasant, too,

The tiger in the jungle and the monk

in the zoo, says I love you."

Get that crate out of here!

You think this is a picnic?

Blocking traffic, holding up cars...

Who do you think you are?

You know what I'm going to do to you?

You're a wise guy, ain't you?

Let go of that club!

You see that badge?

And I say to you, gentlemen,

that this college is a failure.

Trouble is we're neglecting football

for education. - You are right.

No, I'm wrong.

I was just testing you.

Now I know

I'm dealing with a couple of snakes.

There's too much football, and not

enough education. - I think so, too.

Wrong again! If there was a snake here

I'd apologize.

Where would the college be

without football?

Have we got a stadium? - Yes.

- And a college? - Yes.

Well, we can't support both.

Start tearing down the college.

But where will the students sleep?

- Same as always. In the classroom.

Professor, the Dean of Science

wants to know when he'll see you.

He said he's tired of

cooling his heels out here.

Tell him

I'm cooling a couple of heels in here.

Now, where were we? Oh yes.

How much am I paying you fellas?

- 5,000. But we haven't been paid.

In that case, I'll raise it to 8,000.

And a bonus, for you and your dog.

The Dean's furious. He's waxing wroth!

Is Wroth there, too?

Tell him to wax the Dean for a while.

Guess that's bad, eh?

- One more thing, Professor.

It's about your son.

I'm afraid he's paying

too little attention to his studies,

and too much to Connie Bailey.

I'll put a stop to that.

I'll call her up right now.

Either of you weasels got her number?

- No. - Good thing I have.

Get me Maine 4-9970

and reverse the charges.

You may go now. Drop this

in the mailbox on your way out.

Hello, I want to speak to Miss Bailey.

Is this Miss Bailey?

Why, of course I know your son.

Why, that's silly.

We're just very good friends.

Professor, I don't understand.

You don't? Come over to my office.

You're in bed? In that case,

I'll come to your office.

Where are your tongs?

Looks like a tong war.

No more ice until you pay the bill.

How much do we owe you?

- $2,000. - Just for ice?

I can get an Eskimo for $200

and make my own ice.

I tell you what:
You owe us 200.

We take 2,000 and call it square.

I'll consult my lawyer. If he tells me

to do it, I'll get a new lawyer.

Forget about the money. Go to college,

and get yourself a co-ed.

I gotta co-ed last week for $18,

a co-ed with two pairs of pants.

Since when has a co-ed two pairs

of pants? - Since I joined college.

Baravelli, you've got the brain

of a 4-year-old boy.

Now that you're a college boy,

here's your hat,

your pennant, your coat.

Report for football practice in the

morning. Now, sign this agreement.

There's nothing on this paper.

- We'll fill in something later.

Here, put your name on there.

Gee, I didn't know you could write.

Wait a minute, this isn't legal.

There's no seal on it.

Where's the seal?

- Where's the seal?

And thus we see that the function

of the respiratory system

is to transmit oxygen

into the bloodstream,

which is called osmosis...

Have they started

sawing a woman in half yet?

Mr President, what a pleasure!

What brings you here?

A bicycle, but I left it in the hall.

I brought you two dunces.

Come in, dunces.

Here they are, 10 cents a dunce.

Well, all you need now

is a bowl of cherries.

Find yourselves a couple of seats.

Now, let us go on with our lecture.

I wish you'd go on

without your lecture.

What do you think of that slide?

- I think he was safe at second.

Now, the circulatory system!

Here is the liver.

What, no bacon?

I'd send that back if I were you.

The liver, if neglected,

invariably leads to cirrhosis

You are all familiar

with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

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