Hostel: Part III Page #2

in their vaginas with Justin's crutch.

Go check their oil with my tongue.

Know what l mean?

A little low down there?

You need a fill-up?

Hey, you know your meter's

not working, man.

You high rollers pay me 2O bucks,

I call it even.

-You sure this is right?

-l think that's it back there.

The GPS shows

it should be right here.

You see a club? I don't see a club.

All I see is a bacon factory.

What are you afraid of?

Think l'm gonna drive you to the alley...

...where my friends steal your money

and cut your heads off?

Okay, time to go.

-All right.

-Okay.

That is way off the Strip, all right.

-Are you sure this is it?

-lt's the address she gave us, man.

Those girls were right.

This place is pretty freaky.

What you want?

We're here for the party.

You on the list?

Yeah. Nikki and Kendra sent us?

So you're that deal?

What does that mean?

It means

you're gonna have a nice time.

Come on in. Down the hall.

Dude, this place feels f***ed.

I think we should go.

-What, go check out Cirque du Soleil?

-Sure.

Your vagina's hanging out.

-What?

-Yeah.

-How did that get out?

-Second time.

My goodness.

Well, we're here.

Might as well see what it's all about.

"Might as well see what it's all about."

Dude, we're not going anywhere.

Oh, f***. That's me.

-F***, dude.

-lt's Amy.

You probably wanna take that.

-You're practically married.

-Guess what I do.

When I'm away from my wife, l turn off

my phone. She can't call, can't text...

...can't make me send a photo of

where l'm at because she's insecure.

-That's why your marriage sucks.

-She put on 30 pounds, so....

Amy, hey.

You said you would call

when you got to the hotel.

I know, I'm sorry.

Look, we're just walking in

somewhere, so l'm-- l gotta go.

So I'll call you

when l get back to the hotel tonight?

-Scott.

-Yeah?

Should I be worried about you?

No.

Please don't do this.

You have nothing to worry about,

okay?

I love you.

Okay.

I love you.

Guys?

Very funny.

Hello?

What the f***?

What are you doing?

Stop it! l can't f***ing breathe!

Where the f*** are you taking me?

Let me go!

What the f***?

Now, that's a bachelor party.

You f***ers!

You a**holes!

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you.

-Are you in on it?

-l had no idea.

Scott! Scott! Scott!

They won't put their clothes on.

They just won't do it.

Are you mad?

Maybe.

You guys set me up pretty good.

Hey, it's what they paid us to do.

So you're a--?

What do they call you now?

Oh, this week, "escorts."

Are you disappointed?

No.

Good.

Let's go.

Where?

The champagne room.

You are gonna get me

in so much trouble.

Hey, I'm Angela.

Hey.

I'm-- I'm Justin.

I'm sorry.

-Gotta get back to my friend.

-Sure.

Just so you know, darling,

this thing stays hard all night.

Who lit the fuse on her tampon?

Tampon.

What is wrong with your friend?

A lot.

You're too sweet for her.

So why don't you stay here?

I want you to wait for me...

...because I don't know how long

your friend's gonna be, okay?

You ready?

I just came in my pants.

That's not my wife.

Don't tell anyone. Keep a secret.

Yeah.

No. No, no. Can we--?

Can we just--?

Slow down, slow down, slow down.

Slow is cool.

-We've got the room for an hour.

-Yeah.

No, no.

No. I'm just thinking

maybe we could just talk.

-Talk?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, are you from Vegas?

Is that what you wanna talk about?

No, no. It's just that....

No. It's just that....

Is--? Is this your first time?

No. I'm--

I'm getting married.

Not tonight.

Not tonight. No, not tonight.

-Please, Kendra. Kendra.

-Wait.

Just relax, okay?

Nobody's gonna know anything.

Yeah. l know, l know.

No, but look-- Look. Look, l was--

I was unfaithful last year.

All right, my fiance found out

and l almost lost her.

All right, l realize how f***ing lame

this sounds, l do, but I just....

I told myself that l wasn't gonna

be that guy anymore.

Hey, I get it.

It's cool. Nothing has to happen.

We can just hang out.

At least, here.

Have another drink.

Scotty. l just found out who killed JFK.

You wanna know?

You still have your clothes on.

You are slow, you little b*tch.

What's up?

-Somebody threw up in our room so--

-Somebody?

Yeah.

-Yeah, you did.

-Hey, you can't keep a secret.

Close your mouth, open your legs.

Close your mouth, open your legs.

-Are you okay?

-No.

No. I need to get some air.

Okay.

Air is good. Air is good.

Get some H2O.

No, that's water.

What are you doing?

-Great.

-You're hot, but I need you to leave.

You're hotter. Hi, Nikki.

Indy 5O0.

One more, one more.

Open up!

Come on. ls anybody in there?

Please!

Open the f***ing door.

Bachelor boy finally woke up, huh?

Yeah. l think the warm piss

in his pants did it.

We thought you were dead.

Just dead drunk.

God.

You know,

I would have carried you to bed...

...but you're f***ing huge

and l've got a gimpy leg, so....

Last thing l remember, I was throwing

up and got locked out of the club.

How did you get back here?

You were here when we got in.

The cabbie.

The cabbie with the broken meter.

-Did you at least get laid?

-No. But she was a cutie.

That pisses me off...

...because I paid that whore good

money to rock your world. ln advance.

Where's Mike? Did he pass out

in the tub covered in his puke again?

Yeah, probably. But not here.

He went home with that Nikki girl.

He hasn't resurfaced.

Did you try calling him?

Dude, his phone's

in the sex dead zone.

He's miles from home. Remember?

It's not gonna be on

until we get back to Phoenix.

-You've reached Mike.

-Voice mail.

-l'm in Vegas. Leave me alone!

-Hey, Mikey, it's Scott.

Turn your phone on, man.

We're looking for you.

I wouldn't worry too much about Mike.

He knows what time our flight is.

It's the spell of Vegas, man.

Like l said, it is pure evil.

Looks like Mikey was getting the

bachelor party you were supposed to.

Yeah.

What the f*** is this?

What the f*** did you guys put

in that champagne?

It's got a nasty aftertaste.

I know l ate some f***ing p*ssy.

What is this?

All right, l get it. l got you, Scott.

Now you got me.

Come on, guys. What the f***?

-Sh*t.

-Yeah.

-You are in the sh*t.

-Who the f*** are you?

-What are you doing?

-What does it look like?

-l'm not gonna die in here.

-Who said anything about dying?

-Come to me, motherf***er!

-What is going on?

Come on, you motherf***er.

What is he doing to him?

Oh, my God! Oh, my f***ing God!

Get the f*** away from me!

Scott! Justin!

What the f*** is going on?

There's our snaky motherf***er!

Oh, my f***ing God. Get the--

-l like when they fight.

-Yeah.

F***ing son of a f***ing b*tch!

Get the f*** off of me!

F***ing piece of sh*t!

Is this a f***ing joke?

What the f***?

F*** you!

Please. I didn't do anything.

This is a mistake.

Guys, please!

My name is Mike Malloy

from Arizona.

-Let me go.

-Shut your mouth. Take it like a man.

-F***ing a**hole.

-F***ing Jes--

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