Hot Fuzz Page #2

are we, Mare?

- They listed her age as 55.

- When I'm actually 53.

Fifty-three.

- Pint of lager, please, Mary.

- Right you are, my love.

- Excuse me.

- What?

- When's your birthday?

- Twenty-second of February.

- What year?

- Every year.

Get out.

- When's your birthday?

- Eighth of May, 1969.

- You're 37?

- Yeah.

Get out.

When's your birthday?

Out.

- Is there a problem, Officer?

- Yes, there is, Mr. Porter.

It would appear a number

of your patrons are under age.

Well, a few of them may be

a month or two south of proper.

But if they're in here,

it stops them getting into trouble out there.

Yeah, the way we see it,

it's all for the greater good.

The greater good.

Well, that's as may be,

but the law's the law and they'll have to go.

- Another cranberry juice?

- I'm fine, thank you.

I hope you're not planning on driving that.

No.

Right. I'm taking you to the station.

Where is it?

What?

Move.

"Nicholas Angel."

- Oh, when did you start?

- Tomorrow.

Well, I see you've already arrested

the whole village.

Not exactly.

- You in for the night?

- Go on, four's free.

- Hey, now, I need to speak to him.

- He'll be no use till the morning.

I see.

You really want to process all this lot?

- My pen's running out.

- Not a problem.

- Morning, Sergeant.

- Morning.

Morning.

Morning, Sergeant.

Morning, Sergeant.

- Lock me up.

- I'm sorry?

I'm a slasher and I must be stopped.

- You're a what?

- A slasher of prices.

Just kidding. I'm Simon Skinner.

I run the local supermarch.

Drop in and see me sometime.

My discounts are criminal.

Catch me later!

Morning, Sergeant.

Morning, Sergeant.

Could you tell the Inspector

I've arrived, please?

No.

Why?

He's not in yet.

- Well, how's our guest?

- Guest?

- The inebriate in cell four.

- I don't know. Nobody tells me nothing.

Can I get cell four open, please?

Danny, can you open four?

- He's gone.

- Oh, my God. Who's gone?

- Why are you dressed like a police officer?

- Because I am one.

Sergeant Angel, at last. Frank Butterman.

- I see you've already met my boy.

- Yes.

Do forgive me.

I'm something of a Wild West nut.

Speaking of which, that was a fair

few outlaws you rounded up last night.

Thank you, sir.

I admire your enthusiasm

and far be it from me to stifle your flair,

but this isn't London.

Oh, yes, please, Danny.

With respect, sir,

geographical location shouldn't factor

in the application of the law.

No, thanks.

Statistically, Sandford is

the safest village in the country.

But that doesn't mean

it requires anything less

than a careful and considered approach.

There's a reason we accommodate

a few of the younglings at the pub.

- The greater good?

- The greater good. Precisely.

Your predecessor assumed

that rural policing was easy.

Ended up having a nervous breakdown.

And Sergeant Popwell was

an exceptional officer, truly exceptional.

And he had one thing you haven't got.

- What's that, sir?

- A great big bushy beard.

Come on, let's have a mosey around.

Locker room.

Riot room.

Evidence room.

Now, how about a trip to the Andes?

Detective Sergeant Wainwright

and Detective Constable Cartwright.

Don't get up.

I expect you're wondering

why we call them the Andes.

- They're both called Andrew?

- They said you were good.

Also, because talking to them is

an uphill struggle, isn't it, Dad?

- F*** off!

- Thank you, Danny.

And this is where it all happens.

That is Sergeant Tony Fisher.

PC Bob Walker.

And that is Saxon.

And this is one Doris Thatcher.

- She's our only policewoman.

- She's not a policewoman.

- Yeah, she is. I've seen her bra.

- She's a police officer.

Being a woman has nothing to do with it.

Oh, I don't know.

Comes in handy every so often.

I could've given you the tour.

I've been round the station a few times.

And what's upstairs?

Well, well, well, I see we have visitors.

Nicholas, this is Tom Weaver.

Civilian liaison

with the Neighborhood Watch Alliance.

You'll find that we run

a very tight ship here.

From this command center

I can see what the whole village is up to.

I must say I was rather admiring

your handiwork last night.

It's a pity you didn't do the same

to those bloody hoodies.

Hanging around. Loitering. Sitting.

Actually, I did notice some minor graffiti

on the fountain.

Graffiti? They've gotta be dealt with, Frank.

They're nippers, Tom. They'll come round.

Which reminds me,

our friend, The Living Statue,

was here on Saturday.

If we don't come down hard

on these clowns,

- we are gonna be up to our balls in jugglers.

- We'll get right onto it, Tom.

We like to let them think they run the place.

Well, that's that.

Unless there's anything

you're unclear about?

Yes, sir.

Why is everybody eating chocolate cake?

The Black Forest gateau is on Danny.

As punishment for his little indiscretion.

His...

Sir, I don't think driving under the influence

can be called a "little indiscretion."

No, the gateau is for misplacing

his helmet the other week.

Last night's incident will require

something rather more serious.

- Good.

- Do you like ice-cream?

I'm sorry, sir, I don't follow.

Let's just say that we won't be short

of Chunky Monkey for the next month.

Dad.

Now, since it's your first day

and it's 11:
30, I'd say that's lunch.

So, what made you choose Sandford then,

Sergeant Angel?

It wasn't actually my choice.

Oh, right, right, wasn't your choice to come

down here and tell me how to do my job.

Our jobs.

Yeah.

Look, I can assure you it wasn't

my intention to upset the apple cart.

Yeah, 'cause we all sell apples round here,

don't we?

- Your dad sells apples, Andy.

- And raspberries.

I bet you can't wait to jump

into Sergeant Popwell's grave.

I'm not jumping into anyone's grave.

- You got a mustache.

- I know.

- Why have you got your stab vest on?

- It's a requirement.

In the city maybe.

Nobody's gonna stab you in here, Sergeant.

Not a member of the public anyhow.

- Have you been stabbed, Sergeant Fisher?

- No.

Well, I have.

And I can assure you

it is not in the least bit amusing.

Have you seen a lot of action,

Sergeant Angel?

I've experienced my fair share, yes.

- Did you cook any fools?

- Excuse me?

Did you shoot anybody?

He shot a crack head with a Kalashnikov.

- Where did you get that?

- The offender had the Kalashnikov.

Where'd he get that?

You do know there are more guns

in the country than there are in the city?

Everybody and their mums

is packing round here.

- Like who?

- Farmers.

- Who else?

- Farmers's mums.

What's it like being stabbed?

It was the single most painful

experience of my life.

What was the second most painful?

You ever fired two guns

whilst jumping through the air?

No.

You ever fired one gun

whilst jumping through the air?

No.

- Ever been in a high speed pursuit?

- Yes, I have.

You ever fired a gun

whilst in a high speed pursuit?

No.

Annette,

that Sergeant Angel's coming into your shop.

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