Hot Fuzz Page #3

Get a look at his arse.

- What about Lethal Weapon?

- No.

- You've seen Die Hard, though?

- No.

- Bad Boys II?

- No.

You ain't seen Bad Boys II?

- Hell of a day, huh?

- Yeah.

- Same again tomorrow?

- Yeah.

Amanda Paver,

headmistress of Sandford Primary.

How do you do, Sergeant?

- Simon Skinner, I believe you've met.

- Oh, we're already firm friends.

Oh, please, please, come with me, will you?

This is Leslie Tiller,

whose horticultural expertise

has helped put Sandford on the map.

- She's ever so good.

- Oh, go on.

This is James Reaper,

who owns Brannigan Farm.

I hear you're quite the marksman.

Perhaps you might like to join us

for a shoot one day.

Well, I haven't held a firearm

for over two years, Mr. Reaper.

I'd quite like to keep it that way.

You will be popular with the local birds.

Birds.

Nicholas, hello. Reverend Shooter.

I want to ask you,

would you read a homily at Sunday Service?

That might be

a little hypocritical of me, Reverend.

Oh, you're an atheist?

No, I'm... I'm...

I'm open to the concept of religion,

I'm just not entirely convinced by it.

- You're an agnostic?

- I think I have a cream for that.

Robin Hatcher, our resident sawbones.

Hopefully we won't see too much

of each other over the coming months.

Well, all that remains is to welcome you

to the weekly meeting

of the Neighborhood Watch Alliance.

Now, quick announcement before we begin.

Janet Barker has just given birth to twins.

So, congratulations to her.

- Tom?

- Thanks, Joyce.

Now.

I am sure that all of you will have noticed

the return of a blight to our streets.

It's made all the more disturbing as

the Village of the Year contest looms.

I refer, of course,

to the extremely irritating Living Statue.

Police work

is as much about preventing crime

as it is about fighting crime.

Most importantly,

it is about procedural correctness

in the execution

of unquestionable moral authority.

Any questions?

Yes.

Is it true that there is a place

in a man's head

that if you shoot it, it will blow up?

Hi, hi, Tim Messenger.

Can I get a quick shot

for the Sandford Citizen?

Okay.

How about you put the teacher

in handcuffs?

I don't think that gives off the right signals.

Too cheesy-pie. Okay. Gotcha.

- Give the little blonde kid your hat.

- I'd rather not.

- Wave your hitting stick about.

- No.

Righty-ho-ho.

Oh, can I have your autograph, please?

- For the breakfast.

- Oh, sorry.

Hey, that weren't me.

- Morning, Angle.

- Good morning, Angle.

- Morning, Angle.

- Morning, Angle.

- Sergeant Angel.

- Morning. The swan's escaped.

- The swan's escaped?

- Yeah.

Right. And where has the swan

escaped from exactly?

- The castle.

- Oh, yeah? And who might you be?

Mr. Staker. Yeah, Mr. Peter Ian Staker.

P.I. Staker. Right. Piss taker. Come on!

Yes, Mr. Staker. We'll do everything we can.

Can you describe it to me?

It's about two foot tall.

- Long slender neck.

- Yeah.

- Kind of orange and black bill.

- Anything else?

Well, it's a swan.

That's just gonna scare it.

- No luck catching them swans then?

- It's just the one swan, actually.

- Want anything from the shop?

- You've just been to the shop.

I was thinking of a different shop.

Constable Butterman,

this is not the time for personal errands.

- Well, there's nothing going on, is there?

- There is always something going on.

You have to look closer, all right?

What about this guy?

- Mr. Treacher?

- Yeah.

Why has he got that big coat on?

He can't be cold. Why the extra layer?

Maybe he's trying to hide something.

Mr. Treacher?

Okay. What about this guy?

Ask yourself, why has he got his hat

pulled down like that?

- He's f*** ugly.

- Or he doesn't want you to see his face.

Because he's f*** ugly.

Okay, what's his story?

- Oh, that's Lurch.

- Go on.

- He's a trolley boy at the local supermarket.

- Good.

Real name, Michael Armstrong.

- Dad says he's got a child's mind.

- Okay.

And lives up Summer Street

with his mum and his sister.

And are they as big as he is?

- Who?

- The mum and the sister.

Same person.

What shop were you thinking of?

Sergeant Angel to the Manager's office.

Manager's office. Sergeant Angel.

Sergeant Angel. Or is it Angle?

Mr. Skinner, a baby's sicked up in aisle six.

Please excuse me. Michael!

Yarp.

- Child vomit. Aisle six. Mop it up.

- Yarp.

- Mr. Skinner, is there a problem?

- No, no, no, no.

I simply wanted to say how lovely it is

to see you supporting your local store.

Well, that's quite all right.

All too many have defected

to the big Megamart in Buford Abbey.

May their heads be struck

from their shoulders for such disloyalty.

Yes, well, I am on duty,

so if you'll excuse me.

Of course. I simply spied you loitering

in organic produce

and assumed you had time on your hands.

Well, maybe I'm not the one

you should be keeping an eye on.

That's the Fridge Magnate.

His name's George Merchant.

Made a fortune in kitchen goods.

Built that monstrosity on Norris Avenue.

Actually, I wasn't talking about him.

I was talking about him.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

"Meet the cop that can't be stopped."

Tosser!

Trouble in the high street.

Sergeant Angel's having a spot of bother.

Roger that.

Morning, Sergeant.

You mothers.

- Let's cut through here. Head him off.

- Through the gardens?

What's the matter, Danny?

You never taken a shortcut before.

Hey, give me that!

"You do not have to say anything,

however it may harm your defense

"if you fail to mention when questioned

something you later rely on in court.

"Anything you do say

can be given in evidence."

- Hi, Danny.

- All right, Pete?

Do you know this man?

Yeah, he's Auntie Jackie's

sister's brother's boy.

And it didn't occur to you

to mention this before?

Couldn't see his face, could I?

I'm not made of eyes.

Impressive collar.

Shame Mr. Skinner

doesn't want to press charges.

What do you mean,

he doesn't wanna press charges?

I'm simply suggesting that, you know,

Peter be given a second chance

before he becomes

just another crime statistic.

I'm sure he's going to learn

a valuable lesson.

- Stealing biscuits is wrong?

- Correct.

Thanks.

And yet we respond by not taking

a single punitive measure?

Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Like the biscuits, isn't it?

- Mr. Skinner...

- Is everything all right?

Well, sir, Mr. Skinner feels it would

be better not to prosecute an individual

that has committed a blatant offense.

Leave this with me.

I'll make sure everyone gets

their just deserts.

Oh, no!

Twenty-seven.

- Have you ever seen Point Break?

- No.

Amazing bit in Point Break

where they jump over fences.

Is there now? Twenty-nine.

Patrick Swayze's just robbed this bank

and Keanu Reeves is chasing him

through people's gardens,

and he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't,

'cause he loves him so much,

and he's firing his gun up in the air,

he's like...

Forty.

Have you ever fired your gun up

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