Hot Fuzz Page #4

in the air and gone...

No, I have not ever fired my gun

up in the air and gone...

Thirty.

Sorry, I... I just...

I just feel like I'm missing out sometimes.

- I wanna do what you do.

- You do, do what I do.

What on earth

do you think you're missing out on?

Gun fights. Car chases.

Proper action and sh*t.

Police work is not about

proper action or sh*t.

Twenty-nine.

If you had paid attention to me in school,

you'd understand that it's not all about

gun fights and car chases.

Fire up the roof.

That was brilliant.

Was I going a tad fast, Officer?

Yes, you were, Mr. Blower.

Well, now, you see,

we are staging a homage

to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

and I'm a little late for the dress rehearsal.

I'm playing the eponymous hero, you see.

Romeo not Juliet.

- What are you writing?

- Everything you're saying.

I might need to refer to it later.

Now, Officer, I am a respected solicitor

so there's no need to...

Just stop writing, will you?

Look, I'm merely trying to explain

why I might have exceeded the speed limit.

You're playing the male lead

in a homage to William Shakespeare's

Romeo and Juliet

and you're late for the dress rehearsal.

You think this is sufficient reason

to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?

- Well, I...

- To flout speed limits

- specifically put in place to save lives.

- Just, look, this is preposterous.

- "Preposterous."

- Look, just stop writing!

"Stop writing."

Look, you're right, I apologize.

- See what I did there?

- You hypnotized him.

No, I used this.

This is the most important piece

of equipment you will ever own.

This notebook has saved my skin

more times than I care to mention.

You should think

about using yours more often.

- I do use mine.

- Show me.

- That's just extraordinary.

- You should see the one on the other side.

- What are you up to tonight?

- I have to water my Peace Lily.

Thought you might wanna do something.

- What exactly were you thinking?

- Don't know. Pub?

I don't think that's a good idea. Do you?

You two.

A Mr. Blower left you tickets

for Romeo and Juliet tonight.

Said it was by way of an apology.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Well, we can't accept gifts from somebody

we've officially rebuked. So...

Yeah.

Nicholas. Glad I caught you.

Wondered if you wouldn't mind

representing us at the am drams tonight.

- Yes, sir, of course.

- And there's a spare for Danny, too.

Yeah! Hey, come on, it might be fun.

A dateless bargain to engrossing death.

Here's to my love.

Now.

Poison? I'll kiss thy lips.

Happily some poison

doth yet hang on them.

Bang!

Sergeant Angel, hi-hi.

Quick word for the Sandford Citizen.

It was very enjoyable.

- "Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers"?

- I don't think so.

"Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up

To Teen Suicide"?

That's just grossly inappropriate.

You will try and spell his name

correctly this time, won't you, Timothy?

Absolute tosh, wasn't it?

And annoyingly, the understudies

are actually professional actors.

Greg over there was an extra in Straw Dogs

and Sheree portrayed a cadaver

in Prime Suspect.

Sergeant Angel, you came?

So thrilled you accepted my invitation.

Well, our Inspector

requested we attend. So...

Yeah, we can't accept gifts from

someone we've officially rebuked so...

Jog on.

Congratulations to you and to Mrs. Blower.

Oh, this is not my wife.

This is Miss Draper. My leading lady.

Eve works in the local council, Sergeant.

Quite the lady in the know.

- I am not.

- Nonsense.

I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts

of secrets would come tumbling out.

Romeo, Romeo, a pint of bitter for Romeo?

Thank you very much for coming, George.

Excuse us.

A pleasure, my liege.

- Eve's nice, ain't she?

- She certainly has a distinctive laugh.

She was in my year at school.

Always had a thing for her.

She clearly has a thing for older men.

What, with Martin Blower? No way!

We just sat through three hours

of so-called acting, Constable,

their kiss was

the only convincing moment in it.

Hey, now you come to mention it,

I too have reason to believe

she favors the older gent.

Really? How so?

Marcus Carter's big brother said

he'd fingered her up the duck pond.

Oh, Officers.

Again let me extend

my sincere apologies for earlier.

That's quite all right, Mr. Blower. Drive safe.

"Drive safe." Oh, my God.

You know that's the bloke

we done for speeding earlier.

Yeah. Hopefully,

that's the last we'll see of him.

Who is it?

We haven't got long.

To us.

Who is it?

Yeah?

- ...decaffeinated?

- Decaffeinated?

Little Brian Libby found them,

out on his paper round.

Oh, he'll be having nightmares for a while.

Must have hit the sign at some speed.

Took the whole top off.

- I've had my top off in this lay-by.

- Tits.

Most likely lost control,

left the road there and then ended up here.

So, what do we reckon?

Sergeant Angel?

Well, we should get a proper cordon off,

screen the remains from public view.

Close down the road

until the ambulance crew arrives,

whereupon we should open

a single lane of traffic and ease congestion.

Very good.

What he said.

- What happened, Danny?

- Car accident.

Nasty way to go.

Constable, official vocab guidelines state

we no longer refer to these incidents

as "accidents," they're now "collisions."

Right.

"For never was there a story of more woe.

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

- Excuse me?

- Martin and Eve. Such a tragedy.

Mr. Skinner, do you mind telling me

how you know the identity

of the persons involved?

You know how it is. News travels fast.

A love struck Romeo

sings a streetsus serenade

- What happened, Danny?

- Traffic collision.

Hey, why can't we say "accident" again?

Because "accident" implies

there's nobody to blame.

Put a sock in it, town mouse.

Yeah, you wanna be a big cop in

a small town, f*** off up the model village.

I'm just saying,

things aren't always as simple as they look.

Most times they are.

Let's just wait till Doctor Hatcher

comes back with something,

before you go jumping the Kalashnikov.

All right, in the meantime, why don't you

check out a few of Martin Blower's clients?

Martin Blower represents

damn near most of the village.

Did you want us to go through

the whole phone book?

Yeah, or put a call into Aaron A. Aaronson,

shall we?

Please, don't be childish.

At least consider interviewing the widow.

Martin Blower was clearly having

an affair with Eve Draper.

Oh, and how did you establish that?

'Cause we sat through three hours

of so-called acting last night,

and the kiss was

the only convincing moment in it.

All right, pipe down, big one.

Here, what else you got,

Crockett and Tubby?

- Skid marks.

- Now who's being childish?

There were no skid marks at the scene.

Doesn't it seem a little strange that

Martin Blower would lose control of his car

and not think to apply the brakes?

If there were no skid marks it follows

that for 300 yards both driver and passenger

did nothing to prevent their fate.

Rate this script:4.6 / 19 votes