Hot Fuzz Page #6

- Maybe.

We're just hoping to talk to the last people

to see Mr. Merchant alive.

Namely a Sergeant Knickerless Asswipe

and a Constable Fanny Batterbum.

- That's us.

- Why is this such a big joke to you?

Three people have died in a week.

Oh, come on, Doctor Sherlock,

they were accidents.

People have accidents every day.

- The victims knew each other.

- Everyone knows everyone round here.

Yeah. If you didn't see anything suspicious,

then who did?

It's a bit of a blind spot, I'm afraid.

We just catch the very edge

of the explosion.

Nasty way to go.

- There was something took my eye.

- Really? What's that?

Sandford's most wanted.

There you go. It was the swan all along.

- This is not funny, Detective!

- Oh, give over, Miss Marples.

Yeah, you do your job

and we'll do ours, eh?

Yeah. Haven't you got

a church fete to look after?

No, I have not!

Actually.

Testing. Testing.

Someone's in for a surprise at 3:00,

ladies and gentlemen.

It's the raffle with

a very special guest presenter.

Out in the country

Far from all the sorts of noise of the city

There's a village green

It's been a long time since I last set eyes

On the church with a steeple

That's me after a couple of pints.

Splat the rat.

Splat the rat.

Splat the rat.

Shark!

Seen any murderings, Nicholarse?

Come on, boys.

Leave Sergeant Angel alone, he's working.

Sorry, Chief,

won't waste any more police time.

Have a nice time.

Actually, Nicholas,

you might as well take a break.

Hey, great. I've got something to show you.

- This is a rifle range.

- You'll be really good at it.

Feeling lucky, Sergeant?

Three cans wins you the squeaky bunny,

five cans gets you the floppy lion.

Take out all the little people,

you get to waltz off with the cuddly monkey.

I thought I made it clear to you

how I feel about firearms.

It's only an air rifle.

Sergeant.

Dear Lord!

That was amazing.

- Thank you, Danny.

- I can't believe I shot someone.

- He's a doctor, he can deal with it.

- I never shot anyone before.

Danny, believe me,

it's not something you ever get used to.

Yeah. Maybe we should

go on the bouncy castle.

Take our minds off of it.

- Sergeant Angel, hi-hi.

- Mr. Messenger.

I need to talk to you

about George Merchant. Alone.

Churchyard. 3:
00.

What do you think he wants?

Would

Sergeant Angel come to the stage, please?

Here to announce the winners is the newest

addition to the Sandford Police Force.

Service.

Sergeant Nicholas Angel.

- Prick.

- Wanker.

Hello. Hello.

The first name is Simon Skinner.

He's in the loo.

Too much of Joyce's lemonade, perhaps.

And the next name is...

Tim, your number's up.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi-hi.

Oh, no!

Stand back, stand back!

There's been a terrible accident.

- Accident?

- Just an accident.

It's all right, it's all right.

There's nothing to see.

Come on, everybody. It's all right.

It's just an accident.

Nicholas, what is it?

Sir, I think all these deaths are linked.

I think Tim Messenger was murdered.

- Who could do something like this?

- Maybe it was the swan.

- Apparently, they can break a man's arm.

- Or blow up a man's house.

- Listen, you pair of...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Nicholas.

Now, let me get this straight.

- Are you saying that this is a crime scene?

- Yes, sir, I am.

Very well.

- Detectives.

- Sir.

Start interviewing everyone

who was at the fete.

Oh, he's got shorts on.

- Sergeant Fisher?

- What?

- Secure the area.

- What?

- PC Thatcher?

- Yes, love?

Get the CSI down here.

PC Walker?

Patrol the churchyard with Saxon.

Nicholas, Danny, you know what to do.

Do you really think this is murder?

I just don't think we should rule it out,

that's all.

Yeah. I think you're right.

I think you're talking a load of old sh*t.

He thinks you're talking a load of sh*t.

Swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

Pain in the arse.

- Did you find anything?

- Yeah.

I was extremely shocked

when I looked at my watch

and discovered that I should be in the pub.

Did you go to his house?

Did you read his articles?

If you wanna wade through every copy of

the Sandford bloody Citizen, be our guest.

It's your job, isn't it? Detect!

This ain't the city, Mr. Angel.

Not everyone's a murdering psychopath.

It's high time you realized that.

You and your monkey.

Did he mean me or that?

Oh, maybe we should go home.

- What do you mean?

- Well, there's nothing going on, is there?

Have you listened to anything that I've said?

What do you mean?

Is anything I've told you

in the last two weeks

- sunk into that thick skull of yours?

- Yeah.

Has it? Like what?

You said I could be

an amazing policeman-officer.

There's always something going on, Danny.

And you won't be an amazing police officer

until you understand that.

Well, I remembered something else

you said and all.

- Oh, did you now?

- Yeah.

You don't know how to switch off!

Well, if you wanna wade through every copy

of the Sandford bloody Citizen,

be our guest.

- Morning, Constable.

- All right?

Thanks for the monkey.

- Yours, isn't it?

- I won it for you.

Danny, I think I'm on to something.

- Are you?

- Yes.

And I think with a little deliberation

we can figure out what links these deaths.

- We?

- Come on, partner. Let's go to work.

Oh, oh, Sergeant Angel?

- Someone from London called for you.

- Tell them I'll call them back.

- Tim Messenger.

- Go.

Editor and journalist

at The Sandford Citizen.

- Fondness for puns.

- Go on.

- Terrible speller.

- Oh, yeah?

Nevertheless had uncovered

important information about...

- George Merchant.

- Self-made millionaire.

Fancied himself as a property developer.

- Said he had big plans for Sandford.

- Pissed on the floor in The Crown.

But more importantly,

was a good friend and client of...

- Martin Blower.

- Respected solicitor.

- Affirmatron.

- Leading light of the local drama society.

- Bad actor.

- Undoubtedly.

- Bad driver.

- Not necessarily.

- Cheated on his missus.

- Most certainly.

- And we both know who with.

- Eve Draper.

- Blower's leading lady. Distinctive laugh.

- True.

- Favored older men.

- Fingered.

- Worked at?

- Council.

- More specifically?

- Department of Planning and Development.

Where George Merchant secured permission

to build his dubious mansion

on Norris Avenue.

So...

Maybe they were all accidents.

People have accidents every day.

- What are you two up to?

- Nothing.

Well, look sharp.

- There's been reports of a fire in the station.

- What?

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

- Danny, why didn't you say something?

- We were working, weren't we?

- Hey, where are you going?

- Personal errand.

Hello, Miss Tiller.

I was wondering,

do you have any Japanese Peace Lilies?

Of course.

I was just about to pop off, actually.

I can never find my scissors.

- Is this for someone special?

- Yes. Yes, it is.

- Are you going somewhere, Miss Tiller?

- Yes. I'm moving away.

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