Hot Rod Page #2

fire breathing.

Anything to please the rug rats.

Also, we're gonna have to organize a

lot of shopping carts.

And we're gonna go through some trash

for cans and newspaper to sleep on.

Hey! What are you guys doing?

Rod.

Once we've raised the money,

we'll use it to put on the bus jump,

make $50,000, and save Frank's life.

Now, who's with me?

Let's celebrate.

Buddy. Come on.

Hey, Rod.

Oh.

Denise, what's up?

Not much.

Funky fresh.

I heard about your plan to save Frank.

I think that's great.

Oh, yeah. I'm mainly just doing that

so I can kick his ass.

Right.

So, Denise, I think I know

why you came over here.

- You do?

- Yeah.

You wanna join my crew.

I can't lie. I think it's a great idea.

We could use someone

with your college experience.

- Cool. I'd love to join.

- Whoa, whoa, Denise. Slow down.

You can't just waltz in off the street

and demand to be in my crew.

- But I thought you...

- Yeah, I know what you thought.

But the fact is you can't join

until you go through initiation.

All right. What's the initiation?

It's crazy.

It's like the craziest thing

you could even imagine.

Okay.

Here we go.

Rod! Rod.

Welcome aboard.

I'm kind of grumpy today, dude.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

I was having those dreams again.

You know how it's just me in a castle.

I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards.

The only way to beat them is to punch

them as hard as I can in their faces.

And then, when I'm done,

all their little wizard wives came out

and wanted me

just to have sex with them.

Which is kind of weird.

Hey, look at this, huh?

Hey, everybody.

I've got some awesome news.

We have a new crew member today.

Denise.

Hi, everyone.

So, I thought it'd be fun

if we all went around

and said our name

and a little something about ourselves.

I'll start. My name is Rod,

and I like to party.

All right, Dave. You're up.

Hi. My name is Dave,

and I like to party.

No, Dave. I just said that I party, so

maybe do something different from me.

My name is Dave,

and I am the stunt man.

You know what? Let's move on.

Rico, you're up.

Hello. I'm Rico, and I like to party.

Yeah. Rico?

What did I just say to Dave?

- Who?

- Dave.

- I like to party. I'm Rod.

- No. You're Kevin.

Right. Kevin. I party.

No. No, you don't.

Okay, nobody parties but me.

Yes. And we party.

- No.

- Yeah, just Rod.

- Yes.

- And me.

- No! I'm the only one who parties.

- I'm pretty sure I've partied before.

No, Kevin, I know for a fact

you don't party, okay? You do not party.

- You're right. Dave's the party guy.

- Sweet.

Oh, my God. Shut up, okay?

I'm just gonna do it for you.

Denise. This is the crew.

Dave's the mechanic.

Rico makes the ramps.

And Kevin is

team manager/videographer.

None of them party. Right?

Got it?

Okay.

Let's party.

Pools are perfect

for holding water, man.

Man, I don't really know about having

a girl on the team, man.

All right, Rico, listen.

There's an ancient Italian maxim

that roughly translates to,

"He who is resistant to change

is destined to perish."

So, why don't you try to open up

that mind of yours? You know?

It's like, look at Kevin. I mean, he...

Real mature, man.

Yeah, don't you ever tell me

how to live my life again.

Okay, you guys.

If I'm gonna jump 15 buses, my body's

gonna have to be in top physical form.

Which brings us to our first exercise.

Lung strengthening.

You guys are gonna hold me

under water for 40 seconds.

That's 20 less than a minute.

My body's natural instinct

is gonna be to resist.

But, no matter what, don't let up.

If there's any problem at all,

I will ring this bell.

Hey, Dave. Mom wants to know

if your friends want some grape punch.

Maggie! Don't even ask. Just bring it.

Come on.

Don't just stare at me! Go! Thank you.

Soul of a bottlenose dolphin.

Hey, y'all.

Mom said there wasn't enough grape,

so it's mixed with cherry. Is that okay?

Yeah, fine, Maggie. Put it on the table.

Which table?

You tell me, Brainiac.

It's your front yard, too.

Hey, little girl! I don't want cherry.

It upsets my stomach!

Get him out, get him out, get him out!

Get him up, get him up.

Rod, can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Come on, Rod.

- Nice.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, man.

- What happened?

You almost drowned. Denise just gave

you mouth-to-mouth and saved you.

Did it look like we were making out?

A little bit.

Awesome.

Are you okay?

Oh. Hey, Denise. What's up?

Great. I'm just gonna go wash off

this puke from my face.

Cool.

Speed management.

G force.

Let's run it.

My safe word will be whiskey.

Sorry, Rod. What was that?

Whiskey.

Don't you mean whiskey?

What?

- You're saying it weird.

- Saying what weird?

All of it.

Where do you get off?

I just don't get

why you're saying it that way.

Why I'm saying what what way?

- Forget it.

- I will. I will forget it.

Denise. Would you kindly clear

the wheels?

Okay, here we go. On three.

One,

- two...

- Whoa, whiskey!

Whiskey!

Whiskey!

Whiskey!

Whiskey!

Oh, sh*t!

Rod!

Are you okay?

The safety word didn't help.

My trailer! What the hell?

One of you is getting

your dick-hole smashed!

I'm freaking pumped! I've been drinking

green tea all goddamn day!

Oh!

Man, he hit his ass

with a parking cone. Nice!

God, I go to church

every goddamn Sunday!

You gonna bring the demons out of me!

- All right, Rico. You got him.

- Rico.

Not with the trash can, buddy.

No, no, come on.

- Trash!

- All right, let's get him off of him.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- No, no. No!

This is my hat, now.

This is totally my hat.

Thanks.

So, how do you like

being in the crew so far?

- It's been interesting.

- Told you.

Stop it.

Hey, Denise?

There's something I wanted to ask you.

Yeah?

Well...

I couldn't help but notice

that we've both matured a lot,

physically.

And I was just wondering if maybe...

Hey, Rod. What's that song called,

about the grandma

getting run over by a reindeer?

Grandma Got Run Over

by a Reindeer?

No.

Jonathan.

Hey, what are you doing?

I thought you were at work.

Wanted to come by

and surprise my little girl.

Hey, guys.

This is Jonathan.

He's visiting from the city.

- What's up, fellas?

- I'm gonna grab my jacket.

Okay.

So, what are you supposed to be?

A stuntman.

How about you, precious?

I'm a team manager.

Wow.

Ready.

Have a nice day, guys.

Bye.

Oh. Rod, what were you gonna ask me?

Oh, right.

I was going to ask you

who you think would win

in a fight between

a grilled cheese sandwich

and a taco.

Is that really what you were gonna ask?

Yes.

Grilled cheese. But only in a fair fight.

If it's prison rules, I'd take the taco.

Wow. That's pretty racist, but correct.

I'll see you guys.

You know what car is super-overrated?

- What?

- Corvette.

You mean, like the one

Jonathan was driving?

Is that what he was driving?

Must've been what reminded me.

I don't know,

I thought it was kind of cool.

Okay, boys. Now, this is the first time

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