Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #10

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- It's 2015.

- Shut the f*** up!

- Mazel tov!

- Congratulations!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

It's probably pretty hard

to shoot a man, right?

Don't.

It's okay. It's okay. Watch.

I'm just gonna make it

easier on you. Look.

- Shotgun to the dick.

- His destiny.

I turned you into a murderer.

I've just ruined my own life.

I have so much f***in' poison in me

that I've ruined yours, too.

Jacob was right.

I'm a virus.

This is your revenge to take. Okay?

Please.

I've seen my future.

You saw it. I'm a disaster.

It's okay.

Just kill me

and put us both out of our misery?

Please.

I can't. I can't do it.

Jesus Christ,

do I have to f***ing do everything?

Lou...

No!

You okay?

You're f***ing crazy, Lou.

I'm sorry, I may have sh*t my pants.

That's all right.

It was a stressful situation.

It was really stressful. I'm exhausted.

- I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry.

Jill?

How did you know my...

My nametag.

No, no, it's because you're my...

I'm sorry. This is just...

This is weird.

Up until yesterday,

I thought I had a normal life.

I know what you mean. I...

Have you ever felt like

your entire life was a fraud?

I'm sorry. "Fraud"

is the wrong word. "Lie"?

I'm Adam.

- I'm...

- Jill. I know.

Lovely tuxedo you're wearing.

Thank you. Well, it's for our...

Forgot what I was going to say.

Well, that was exciting.

I guess it's not a Lougle party

until somebody gets shot at.

I don't want to go to the Grammys.

No?

I don't wanna go

to your sister's either.

I just want to go somewhere,

just you and me.

Start making things right.

I like that. Okay.

And I want to get out of this shirt.

I've been in it for, like, three days,

and it's really loud.

Come here.

Put your arms up for a sec, like that.

Is this a dance or something?

Something like that. More of a strut.

I'm coming in.

Okay.

- There it is. Yeah.

- Okay.

This is some stupid sh*t.

You have no idea.

Did I just hear fireworks?

Because fireworks make me want

to puke, and you know that.

Why are you more handsome?

I'm a bald person.

Hey.

What do you think about doing

a 12-step program with me?

You know, like, go to an awesome rehab

with good food and a pool

and classy people.

What do you think?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

I f***ing hate you, Lou.

I f***ing hate you, Kelly.

Sophie! Hey! Where are you going?

People are shooting each other.

I'm getting out of here.

Okay. Here's the thing, Soph,

I've seen our future together

and I will be the first person

to admit that it is f***ing insane.

The drugs, the constant partying.

It's enough to make anybody ask,

"When is enough enough?"

What are you talking about?

Just stay with me here.

Just stay with me.

Did you change?

Yeah, in so many ways. But, listen,

right in the middle of that future

is this toxic power couple

named you and me.

And does it all end in tragedy and tears

and a murder mystery?

Yes, of course it does.

But I don't care.

I just got one question, Sophie.

Are you ready for the ride

of your f***ing life?

- What's that in your pocket?

- My dick.

The other thing.

A billion f***ing dollars.

Hey, I just met my future wife in there.

Yeah, man. Hang out with us,

that kind of sh*t happens all the time.

Yeah. A lot of highs and lows here.

- Yeah.

- You know, when you think about it,

Lou had to f*** your wife in the future,

so you could meet her in the past.

- Well...

- Yeah. But, hey...

That's what uncles do, right?

Not really.

Hey, just think of it this way.

Since it happened in the future,

it technically hasn't happened at all.

It's cyclical.

Yeah. And even though

I didn't meet my dad,

I met some friends for life.

Yeah? Who?

- Hey, Lou?

- Uncle Lou.

Uncle Lou.

No harm, no foul,

but did you ejaculate in her?

Hey. That doesn't matter.

I ejaculated inside of you.

And that doesn't matter either.

Because those are

both just hypothetical future scenarios.

No one ejaculated inside

of anything, really.

No one's ejaculated.

Yeah, I did.

You know what?

I had this moment earlier.

I think it was when my nephew

from the future

had a shotgun pointed at my dick

that I'd helped him place there.

That was me.

But in that moment,

everything became clear to me.

We need to change people's lives.

Make the world a better place.

All we have to do is...

Lou!

Don't listen to anything he says.

Adam?

What the f***? You shot Lou!

Dad?

What's going on?

No time to explain. Follow me.

To where?

Cincinnati.

No, no, Dad, wait!

Why did my dad just kill Lou?

- He probably had an okay reason.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait! Don't go with Adam!

Patriot Lou.

Are those wooden teeth?

He looks like Cap'n Crunch

f***ed Paul Revere.

His hair's breathtaking.

It's beautiful.

- Don't listen to him.

- Why?

It's a long story.

Believe me, he did us all a favor.

This one was bad.

Okay. The bigger question is, how...

That's not the only me.

You think you're the only you?

There's a ton of yous out there.

Look, you're gonna like this me

a lot better.

This me is great. Take it from me.

Holy sh*t.

I mean, you guys get it, right?

Multiple universes, like Fringe.

Nerd

You're a f***ing nerd

Poindexter

You're a f***ing nerd

And no one likes you

You're a nerd

You're a nerd...

And no one likes you

You suck each other's d*cks

- Whoa!

- What?

Let's...

I'm sorry.

Obviously not the direction

of the song, right?

I totally misread that song.

My apologies.

Okay, so what now?

Yeah. You guys gotta come with me.

To where?

We gotta make America happen, bro.

Ready for another dip?

You know, you're not gonna

be super welcome there,

- but we should totally go.

- I know.

- Are we going?

- Yeah.

Adam saved Lincoln!

That parade was the single

greatest moment of my life.

More so than saving Lincoln?

No, that was the third

greatest moment of my life.

What was the second?

A parade I attended as a child.

Sh*t, you guys.

I left my phone back in the 1800s.

I fed some gum to a dinosaur.

As long as we're coming clean,

I f***ed Marilyn Monroe.

Yeah. Sure you did, buddy.

Who's a nerd now, motherfuckers, huh?

I'm Arthur Miller.

Come... Come on!

You look like...

- Come on, baby. You got this.

- Let him do it.

- Let him do it.

- We'll let him do it.

Come on. Something f***ed

something to make it happen.

It's easy. You just mash

two things up together

and then you nail him with it.

You look like... Kevin Yardley!

Who the f*** is Kevin Yardley?

A guy I went to high school with.

Yeah, he looks just like him.

Boo! You suck at this!

I just get sick of explaining it to him.

How hard is it

to understand time travel?

I mean, we get it. E equals MC squared.

Einstein's a stupid f***ing idiot.

- Right?

- Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles!

You're f***ing Ringo!

Damn it.

Apple is going to reinvent the phone.

Explain yourself.

I will not.

I'm Nick Webber.

I'm Jacob Dorchen.

I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer.

I'm Lou Dorchen.

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