Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #2

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Courtney, it's not a big deal.

Well, maybe it's not a big deal to you,

but she's my only sister,

and we never go visit her.

- It's the Grammys.

- It's always the Grammys.

It's not always the Grammys.

Sometimes it's the Grammys.

Wow. Look at you.

Every f***ing year, Lou?

Hey, enough with this dad stuff.

Call me Lou.

Why do I have to pretend

to be your butler?

You are my butler.

No, Lou, just 'cause

my room's near the bar

and I'm good at receiving guests and...

Holy f***, I'm your butler.

Wait. Hey, Lou, what do you think about,

maybe this summer, you know,

I come work with you at Lougle?

Listen, this is what I'll do

for you, okay?

If we ever come up with a division where

you sit on the couch and masturbate

while playing video games,

I'll get you an interview.

You started

an interactive porno division.

We have that.

Even that retarded Venn diagram

you just mentioned, it exists.

Listen, you are a key part

of this operation, Jacob.

Really?

You're my chief mixologist!

I love you, buddy.

Hey, Courtney. Your tits look fantastic!

Eat sh*t, Lou.

She's one of the good ones, man.

Come on. Let's get a drink.

Jeez. The place

is like a deathtrap, huh?

Just lousy with statues, and the...

Not a lot of coats, right?

Not a lot of coats.

Can I take your jacket?

No, no, no. I'm actually

kind of "on the job" tonight.

It's my dad's party, he runs Lougle.

What do you do?

You know, I'm just

kind of a Jack-of-all-trades.

- So you're the butler.

- No!

Come on. Do I look like a butler to you?

You look exactly like a butler.

God damn, it's good to see you, man.

You, too, buddy.

Man. That tub, huh?

Really turned it all around.

It's the best thing that

ever happened to me.

You ever wish we could

go back for one more dip?

You know, tweak some things?

Use time travel

for more important reasons.

Too bad the tub is gone.

Yeah.

Too bad.

F***.

Sorry.

What the f***? Lou...

Nick-nack-paddywhack!

Give a dog a what?

Gary Winkle.

Look at this.

Look, Lou spilled his drink on me

so I don't have to talk to you.

Good looking out.

Okay, just laying it all out there.

Where are me and you right now

on a scale of, like,

"dinner and a movie"

to "tropical sex vacation"?

We're on the

"It's never, ever going to happen"

part of the scale.

- So, like a four.

- One and a half.

Minus the half.

What are you selling, Gary?

What? No love for Gary Winkle?

Okay, but it is a sound

investment this time.

I'm telling you, man.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

It is only 12 blocks from the river.

Pristine lot.

You can build an office tower,

nightclub, combo, whatever the f***.

I don't care.

Okay, I get it, man, I get it.

I get it. I'm a loser.

Okay, I'm always going to be a loser.

I'm not like you guys.

I didn't magically turn it all around

after that ski trip.

All I got is this piece of land,

and I know it's a piece of sh*t, okay?

But it's... It can be our piece of sh*t.

Not interested. Pass.

We are live!

Coming to you

from the heart of the Bayou.

At the height of his career,

worth 2.3 billion dollars,

introducing Lou "the Violator"

Dorchen!

We've grown quite a bit

over the years, haven't we?

Some of us have achieved our dreams.

Others have found new dreams to chase.

You know, I bet...

I bet there's not a person

in this room who,

given the chance

to do it all over again,

would do it any differently. Am I right?

Am I right?

And if you believe that,

if you truly believe that

in your heart of hearts,

well, then,

you're all a bunch of f***ing morons!

Genius.

Life is about do-overs, okay?

And if you see your second chance

peeking its dick around

a corner, snatch it!

Grab it! Take my advice.

Look at the people

you love most in this world,

then you tell them

to go f*** themselves.

Because life is about number one.

Numero Lou-no!

So come on, it's a party, right?

Let's all get nude and f***!

Move!

About time someone manned up

and shot the bastard.

- Holy sh*t, he's been shot.

- In the dick!

Sh*t! It's bad!

Somebody call an ambulance!

- Nick.

- Yeah, buddy.

- You got your hand on my penis!

- I'm applying direct pressure!

- You don't have to touch it that hard.

- My hand is acting as a tourniquet!

You work his dick. Whatever. No, no!

Lou, Lou! Stay with me!

Stay with me. Look at me. Look at me.

Who shot you?

Chux... Zedo.

Chuck Zito? That motherf***er!

- I think he's saying "tuxedo".

- Tuxedo?

God, it hurts so bad.

Who the f***'s wearing a tuxedo?

What? What?

Okay, first of all, this isn't a tuxedo,

this is a morning suit.

It's way more casual.

Don't you watch Downton Abbey?

I was standing right there beside you!

I didn't f***in' shoot him!

I want my dick back!

Lou's gonna f***in' die!

He's out of time!

No, he's not.

We'll give him more time.

- What?

- Grab his arms.

Oh, God, I take it back! I take it back!

I don't want a shotgun to the dick!

It hurts so much!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

- What the f*** are you doing?

- Hang on. Trust me.

Whoa.

Holy sh*t.

- I know, right?

- How?

He stole it.

I stole time!

I stole the whole ski lodge!

Check it out. Pure nitrotrinadium.

Lou got it from the Russians. He told them

he's gonna build them a bomb.

Classic Lou.

Yeah. They've never seen

Back to the Future.

All right. Everybody, get in.

A little help here.

Come on, Lou, you got to earn it.

Adam's trench coat?

What the f*** is this? Is Adam here?

Stay with me, Violator.

Where's my hair?

It's where my power lies.

F*** your f***ing wig.

We gotta go back in time and stop

the killer before he shoots Lou.

No.

It's how it works.

We get blackout drunk, we hallucinate,

we wake up back in time.

Don't mess with a winning formula, huh?

Don't be a f***in' p*ssy!

Guys, I feel f***ing great!

I think it worked.

- Lou's not breathing.

- I think he's gone.

Nick, Nick, Nick! Help, help, help!

Sh*t.

- Lou, Lou.

- Lou. Lou!

F***, f***, f***.

I guess we were too late.

Life is f***ing weird, you know?

I spent so much time hating him.

And now that he's gone,

I can't help but feel...

Love.

No. Not love. Don't be stupid.

Respect?

No, that's still way too strong a word.

Admiration?

I mean, there's nothing

admirable about him.

Well, I mean, he's your dad.

Honor, maybe?

Not honor. I mean, that falls kind of

with respect and admiration.

Maybe just kind of a...

Just a general sense of...

Missing, you miss him.

- Yeah, I miss him.

- You miss him. Yeah, yeah.

I motherfucking miss him.

What're you doing? You up in heaven?

Raping angels?

Good for you, buddy.

- Oh, God.

- What the f***?

I saw this on C. S.I.

The bowels evacuate when the body dies.

That smells like hatred.

This is gonna get worse

before it gets better.

My dick! My dick!

It worked! Holy sh*t! Wait, look!

Look, look!

That's a good-looking dick to me!

My dick is back!

How far back did we go?

I don't know.

We put a big dryer in

so we don't have to time travel naked.

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