Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #3

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This is different.

It's like a Scandinavian gay bar.

Looks like a Miami IKEA.

Dude, it looks amazing.

I mean, look how classy it is.

It's like a museum.

Who...

Who is this?

I think it's Jacob.

Why am I bald?

What did you do?

I didn't... I didn't do that.

You look like a pedophile dressed you.

You look like a Jewish Jason Statham.

You look like Michael Chiklis

f***ed Big Daddy Warbucks,

who f***ed Lex Luthor.

That's what it is.

And who's the little doggie?

What's he do...

What's he just doing there like this?

Why aren't you f***ing that doggie?

Why would I be f***ing the dog?

Power over nature.

Hey, you.

Is that the coat-check girl?

B*obs.

Hey, how are you?

I didn't know you had company.

- Yeah...

- Hey, Nick.

'Sup?

What's he doing here?

This is my house.

Think that'll hold you till later?

Yeah, I'm sure.

- Bye, Nick.

- Bye.

- See you at the club?

- Right.

That coat-check girl is rude.

I like her.

I think it's pretty obvious

what's going on here, right.

What?

Alternate universe. Like Fringe.

Nerd

You're a f***ing nerd

Nerd

You're a f***ing nerd

- Nerd

- And no one likes you

Poindexter

No one likes you

Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen?

Hello?

Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen?

Duck Dynasty?

Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen?

Duck F***ing Dynasty!

Just try "the news."

News selected.

Thank you, Mr. Dorchen.

Tune in tomorrow

for the challenge round.

Eat a boot? Eat your feelings.

Choozy Doozy.

I think I may be Mr. Dorchen.

- What? No.

- I think this is my house.

- No way.

- I think he's right, Lou.

- That's impossible.

- You heard it.

It just answered me.

March 26, 2025.

From Comedy Central's World News

headquarters in New York.com,

this is The Daily Show

with Jessica Williams.

Hey! Welcome to The Daily Show.

I'm Jessica Williams.

Tonight's guest, Dame Jennifer Lawrence

promoting her Meryl Streep

biopic, Streepin' It Real.

Hey, how do they get the people

to be on this show?

So, by now you've all seen

the NSA satellite footage

of the road rage incident

between two self-driving

smart cars in New Detroit.

President Neil Patrick Harris has called

for greater regulation of the industry,

while congressional Republicans defend

every sentient automobile's

constitutional right

to shoot a black car

if it's actin' funny.

This show's still got it.

Holy sh*t.

We went 10 years into the future.

Whoa.

I'm distinguished.

I should shave this, right?

Yeah, that's not a good look.

This is so smooth,

I don't think I went bald.

I think this is a choice,

like Andre Agassi

or Bruce Willis or something.

You don't look anything like

either of those two people.

For one, they're fit and handsome

and you're neither of those things.

You look like a turtle

crawled out of his shell.

F*** you for making me bald.

You look like

an orchestra conductor for stray cats.

You look like you give

lectures on public access.

You look like a grown-up Gerber baby.

You look like an egg

gave birth to another egg.

You look like Gandalf the Poor.

You look like

you advise Lando Calrissian.

That's a good one.

You look like the guy that owns the one

house that ruins the whole street.

Have I bombed anything, you think?

You look like

you've never made a correct decision.

Ever.

I have definitely given

a back-alley blowj*b.

I gotta admit I kinda like this.

I want to hit you

into the corner pocket.

Now I know why the coat-check

girl didn't like me.

I look like f***ing sh*t.

So far so good on this future sh*t, huh?

Yeah. You know what?

I don't feel like anything

bad's going to happen.

Hey, check it out. I found all

the gear from the painting.

- Cool, huh?

- Whoa.

What happened

to the bottom of your suit?

That pesky little doggie eat it?

It's called fashion, Lou.

You look like...

- Nope, not doing anymore "You look like."

- But you look like...

I don't give a sh*t.

We did it on the stairs.

We did it in front of the mirror.

It'd be tacky to do it a third time.

Anyway, do you guys

want some fresh clothes?

I got a whole closet full of stuff.

I love this shirt. My sh*t is fly.

Weren't you listening

to my speech, dude?

Always pack a bag.

Hey, is that...

- No. It is not.

- How did you get that?

- I didn't get...

- I know what it...

I saw what it said.

It doesn't say anything!

Was that the Cincinnati box?

- Don't say that out loud.

- It might hear you.

You're really never

going to tell me what's inside that box?

Okay, we'll tell you. We'll tell him.

- I'm going to tell him.

- Lou.

It's the Declaration of Independence

with a map on the back.

- Our family's chosen.

- Yep.

That's just the plot of that

movie National Treasure.

It's the Ark of the Covenant.

That's Raiders of the Lost Ark.

You're not even tryin'.

I mean, that's not even

anything that could be in the box.

Okay, this has gone on long enough.

Okay.

It's a ring that turns you invisible

and carries with it the power of evil.

I've seen f***ing movies,

you guys! I've seen movies!

Wait, why are you alive?

What?

Why are you alive? We're in the future.

Yeah, you know what? He's right.

'Cause if we went back in time,

you'd be alive.

But we went 10 years

in the f***in' future.

You should be dead.

Yeah, what the f***?

What you should be

asking yourselves is,

"When the f***?"

God damn it!

This f***ing guy again!

Why do you do that?

He's not going to tell us anything.

Hey, why don't you make like a f*** off

and get out of here?

Wait. So all we have to do is go back

and Lou's gonna be okay, right?

It's not that simple, really.

The hot tub doesn't take you

where you want to go.

It takes you where you need to go.

Come on!

There are

certain calculations and innovations

and salutations

that haven't even come to pass yet.

What the hell does that mean?

What it means is, at the present,

your tub here is just a tub.

Wait, are you saying

that time travel is not even possible?

Right on, Liz.

Give the pretty lady a flower.

- Damn it.

- Lizzie.

That's bullshit, okay?

We got a whole vault

of nitro right here.

Where'd it go? Where did it go?

What did you do with my nitro?

How can I take what doesn't exist yet?

It exists in the past.

How can it not exist in the future?

The past, the future. All very cute.

But who's to say the past

isn't anything more

than the future of this present?

So, nitro is from the future?

Like Terminator.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.

You think everything is like Terminator.

'Cause everything is like Terminator!

Arnold's hand gets

chopped off in the past,

somebody finds it, reverse

engineers that sh*t. Boom!

Terminators running all

around this motherf***er.

That's how we got nitro?

I don't know. I never saw Terminator.

F*** this guy and his riddles!

Thanks for holding him down for me!

"Hold him down"?

So you can beat to death

the mystical time baron

that holds the keys

to our very existence?

That's your f***ing plan here?

Shut up.

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