Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #4

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Tighten your sh*t up, Lou.

We needed him.

Amateur hour.

This thing is awesome.

I probably invented it.

"Lou Sux

"Cox N Dix." Flip it.

Okay.

Try to stay with me.

This is going to get complicated.

This is time.

And you're dead.

So Lou is killed in our present,

which means that here,

in the future, he should still be dead.

Well, clearly, he's not f***in' dead,

'cause he's sittin' here,

still bothering me.

So what that tells me is

we're in a completely different future

on a completely different timeline.

Jacob, I'm the Sarlacc.

Okay.

Anyway, the Repairman said

that the past is actually the future

of the present we're in right now.

So I think what that means is

the killer is from the future.

So clearly, someone from 2025

will go back in time and shoot Lou.

Like Looper.

Wow!

How about a f***ing spoiler alert?

"Hey, Lou, you want to go see Looper?"

"Nah, I got a thing I gotta do."

It's in my queue! That counts.

It's the first Bruce Willis

movie we missed.

- Is Bruce in that?

- Okay.

Plainly, just by virtue of

Lou being here alive in 2025

when we know that he died in 2015,

we're here to stop his future murder.

- Which happens in the past.

- Exactly.

I get this sh*t.

I'm bored by this sh*t.

Let's go check out the future

strip club situation.

High five.

Did you just say "high five"

instead of high-fiving?

- High five.

- High five.

That is the laziest thing

I've ever heard.

High five.

You don't have the energy for this?

No, no.

You guys, we can't just f*** around.

We got to find your murderer.

Or we don't have to do any of that

and we go check out a strip club.

- You flickered.

- You're flickering.

I flickered... Why am I flickering?

By threatening your own existence.

Have you listened to

anything I've been saying?

I have not listened to any of it.

God, okay, fine! Fine.

We'll solve my stupid murder,

which hasn't happened yet.

Or we can just go to a strip club.

All right, fine!

The f***ing murder thing.

Nothing's really changed.

You'd figure after 10 years,

something would be different, right?

That's some sexy-ass

future sh*t right there.

Do you or someone you love

have a problem with

- heroin, speed, ice...

- Yes. Yeah.

- ...smack, whack, jack...

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

...Al Michaels' Revenge or cocaine?

First order of business,

we get ourselves some

Al Michaels' Revenge, right?

We can help put the "U"

back in "Reuvenate."

We're still demonizing addiction?

Like it's some kind of sickness.

I cannot wait for you

to hit rock bottom.

Yeah! Yeah.

Who in the future

would want to kill you, Lou?

I don't know.

The only person who's ever

had any motivation

to kill me has been me.

I treat everyone with the

utmost respect and kindness.

Lou, you tried to push me

down the stairs last week.

As a joke!

Oh, my God, it's you.

Jacob is the murderer.

I'm not the murderer. Come on.

Really? Because you seem to have

stepped right into my life.

You always wanted to be

the one f***ing that tiger!

Lou, if I was going to f***in' kill you,

I wouldn't use a gun, okay?

I would spike your mid-morning cocktail

with a tasteless, but potent sedative.

And, while you slept,

I would wait the nine hours

for it to fully flush out of your system,

so there's no trace.

And I would take you out into the Gulf

and feed you to a tiger shark.

Damn, that's cold.

But I wouldn't use a gun.

I'll be making my own mid-morning

cocktail from now on, thank you.

Man, I wish Adam was here.

He'd know what to do.

You just described my whole entire life.

We need Adam and he's not here.

Where the hell is he?

Holy sh*t.

When we were carrying you

after you got shot,

I saw his trench coat

beside the hot tub time machine.

Adam murdered me.

Okay, so Adam shoots Lou,

and then uses the hot tub

to escape somewhere in time

Textbook.

Only in our f***ed-up social circle

is that textbook.

Why would Adam wanna shoot you?

I don't know. I've only been

the best of friends to him.

- You tried to f*** his wife.

- You tried to f*** his wife?

As a joke! Come on, you guys get that.

No.

You get it.

In Lougle financial news,

no surprise here,

Lougle finished trading up

10 points today.

Nice. Looks like

I turned the company around.

I'll turn you around.

Somebody's grumpy

'cause they got murdered.

Adam! Come on out!

It's your best friends

in the whole f***ing world!

You sure this is the right place?

Lougle Search brought up

Adam's location and DNA.

He's really got to fix

his privacy settings.

If he's here,

I'm gonna kill him before he kills me.

Hi. Can I help you?

Oh, my God.

Jacob Dorchen and Nick Webber?

Guilty.

Am I on Celebrity Subpoena?

Just tell me. Tell me,

am I on Celebrity Subpoena?

And hello, sir. Who are you?

- F*** it, wrong house.

- Stop.

Does Adam Yates live here?

I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer.

Okay, so you're married to my aunt,

which makes you my uncle.

But that means that

you and I are first cousins.

Oh, my God, you guys. This is aws.

He looks like a preppie Braveheart.

I found this photo after my mother died.

Great White Buffalo.

- Great White Buffalo.

- Great White Buffalo.

Great White Buffalo. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is him, right? This is my dad?

So you never met him?

No, they broke up

before I was even born.

But you guys can introduce us.

Yeah. See, the thing about that is,

it's complicated.

Do you guys ever feel like

everything happens for a reason?

- Yes.

- No.

Call it destiny, or predestiny.

I think it's "predestination."

No, it's predestiny. I read a book.

Was that book a dictionary?

No, it was a book called Predestiny.

Okay, I don't really give a sh*t.

With predestiny, it dictates

that there is a force or something

holding the strings

and setting everything up

just so they can be

knocked down perfectly

into...

Place.

I can't! I can't do it!

I gotta go. Let's go.

- Sorry.

- Sorry, bro, we gotta go.

Nice skirt, by the way.

- Thank you.

- I have the dress.

Wait, who said anything about a dress?

I certainly didn't say

anything about the dress.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize

that Adam had guests.

- Hey, babe.

- Hi.

Guys, meet Jill. Jill, meet the guys.

We're getting married this weekend.

Me and Jill, not me and you guys.

Stop it. You're gonna make milk

come out of my nose.

- Milk? What milk?

- I had milk earlier.

Are you Nick Webber?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Would you please do the Webber Strut?

The Webber...

Come on, you know it.

He wants us to do it.

I think so.

Everybody, strut, strut, strut, strut.

- Stop that.

- Strut, strut, strut...

Wow, they're really good at your dance.

Your poor man's Macarena

that you are very famous for.

Everybody do the...

They're, like,

picking d*cks out of a tree.

It looks like dick-picking.

And for the record,

I still like your music.

I mean,

I know you've fallen on hard times.

Hard times?

You're so poor now,

but I really like you still.

What do you mean, poor?

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