Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #5

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- Oh, my God, that's the one.

- That's the one?

That is the one.

Honey, we found our mini-cake bites.

Guys!

We found our mini-cake bites.

What?

I didn't tell you.

- Jacob is my cousin.

- No.

- And Uncle Lou...

- Don't you ever call me that.

- ...Is my uncle.

- What?

And they came here in a... What was it?

Hot tub time machine.

That's right.

Okay.

So I guess you came here

in a hot tub time machine, too.

Listen.

- They're looking for my dad.

- What?

You have to go with them.

Would you guys mind?

It would be really, really great

to have my father at the wedding.

F*** that. F*** that.

No way in hell. No way in hell.

You gotta let Adam go.

I mean, this is exactly the

sort of thing that he needs.

We've been together for 10 years.

He hardly ever goes out.

He didn't even have a bachelor party.

Honey, you're making me

seem a little stiff.

Right.

All right. Well, you have fun

and make good choices.

- You're my best choice.

- You're my best choice.

- No, you're my best choice.

- You're my bestest choice.

No, you're my best choice!

You're my best choice!

You're. My. Best. Choice.

- The f***?

- Yeah, seriously.

Guys, I'll be there in one second.

You're. My. Best. Choice.

So you guys

are my dad's full-on bros, huh?

I always wondered

what my dad's full-on bros

would be like and now...

Now I totally know.

'Cause we're getting

some serious hang-time.

Hey.

You know what, I feel like we are

going to have an unforgettably...

Dude, where the f*** are we going?

Well, my mom used to live near here,

so I figured we'd go by her old building

and see if we can find a clue.

Okay! Well, there's a 50-50 chance

I might murder your dad,

so if you have a reunion speech,

keep it tight.

Holy sh*t!

Wassup, man?

No, no, no, no, no.

There's no one driving that car.

Yeah, it's a smart car.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- No, it's a smart car.

- It's self-driving.

- What?

That's awesome!

Now, see, this is

that future sh*t I'm talking about.

How much that set you back?

You guys are hilarious.

I don't own it. I mean, no one does.

You need a car, one shows up.

Really?

You're a wonderful car

and I appreciate you.

Come on.

So, this car runs on feelings.

Yeah, I guess a six-year-old

would say that.

Burn.

Really? Would a six-year-old say that?

- What the f*** was that?

- Revved up on you.

- Did he just rev up on me?

- He sure did.

Hey! What's up?

You got a problem with me?

You know what? I'll give you

the first punch, huh?

Go ahead.

Go ahead! Hit me!

Come on!

You're not a good car!

You're not smart! You're just a car!

Okay. I don't think

it actually works that way.

Like, you can't hurt its feelings.

You're a wonderful car

and I appreciate you.

Yeah, well, guess what?

You can hurt my feelings, okay?

- What?

- I'm walking.

- Is he always like this?

- Pretty much.

Does he have, like, emotional problems?

- He's got a real serious drug problem.

- He got shot last night.

- He's got that runt ball.

- His son hates him.

That's fair to say, right?

Yeah, yeah. He's a monster.

I'd like to help him.

Hey, I'm sure you're sick of this,

but will you sign my Dick Pad?

You put your dick in there!

It's a genius invention.

I know, okay? I know.

You put your whole mouth

inside your son's jerk-off machine.

What does your son's penis taste like?

Goddamn you.

Was it delicious?

Hey, a friend of mine's some

sort a big shot over at Lougle.

Brad Syed? He's coming to my wedding.

- Brad?

- Hey.

You guys should absolutely

come to my wedding.

No.

Man, I wish we could, but we're doing...

Motherf***er!

Gary Winkle.

F*** him in the face.

Right in the f***ing face.

It's not about money,

it's about making money.

Look who it...

How are you rich, huh?

How the f*** are you rich?

- Lou...

- You killed me!

I'm going to kill you

before you can kill me again!

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa...

That's hilarious.

Why would I kill you? I love you, man.

What?

Okay, okay, okay. All right. I'm fine.

You not buying that land

was the best thing

that ever happened to me.

Because when Hurricane Beth came through

and destroyed half the waterfront...

It turned this worthless piece of dirt

into a goldmine.

What?

So you didn't murder me?

What are you talking about?

I love you, man.

So, are you boys coming up or what?

It's not a party unless

it's a Gary Winkle party.

At Gary Winkle's.

The Wink.

- What are you doing?

- It's a double wink.

Technically, that's more of a blink.

- That's a blink.

- You can't wink, can you?

Of course I can wink.

Prove it.

Yeah.

Let me do this. Hold on.

Let me hold this open.

I'll hold this open.

Now do it.

See?

Can we go to the f***in' party now?

Welcome to The Wink!

Hey, jugglers, give my boys

anything they want...

From that shelf down.

- Lou, what are we doing here?

- You know.

Winkle is not the killer. We gotta go.

I don't care,

'cause there's cocaine right there.

Didn't you see the cocaine?

Look, look, look.

I see the cocaine. So what?

Well, I'm going to do that.

So, first... And then...

Look, I'm not flickering. Am I flickering?

You cannot say that I'm flickering.

We're on a mission to save your life.

You think I don't want

to roll my dick around some cocaine,

- and get titty-slapped?

- Okay.

Pop some bottles?

Do some crazy future sh*t?

I'm trying to keep you from flickering.

- What the f*** are you doing?

- Good talk.

Thank you. And popping bottles,

that's old school.

You bringing that back?

Yeah.

I like that. I like you.

What are these? I don't care.

So, Nick, listen, I was so sorry

to hear about you and Courtney.

What do you mean?

Gotcha. Forget I even brought it up.

No, no, no, really, what do you mean?

I hear you loud and clear, man.

I don't think you hear me at all.

Hey, Sophie!

There you are.

I have a surprise for you.

Sophie has a surprise for me.

Bye, dude!

I'll take a room-temperature

almond milk, please.

No, actually,

I'll get a tangerine margarita.

No. Scratch that.

I'll take just an apricot

sliced into fours. And a kiwi.

Do you have kiwi?

I'll take a kiwi, sliced up.

A banana thrown in there.

You know what? Dealer's choice.

Just a fruit salad.

Should we go somewhere more private?

Jacob Dorchen wants privacy.

That's so 2018.

Right, right.

No. Get that out of here.

I mean,

I wouldn't mind a little something.

Remember, we agreed?

Look at your dad.

You're not going down

that road anymore.

Oh, God, I'm so good at that!

Yes!

It's Satan.

Like, I'll finger your dog,

I don't care.

As a joke! As a joke!

I have some advice for you.

If you don't want to be

considered a sex offender,

don't take a sh*t in a sandbox

that happens to be in a playground.

Okay? Don't do it. 'Cause guess what?

You have two things, a record

and a f***ing nickname.

I know it's a potentially risky move...

Wedding sorbet!

As a palate cleanser, of course.

I mean, I'm not insane.

Oh, my God! F***in' A!

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