Hotel Splendide Page #2

Cora?

Um... this is an

excellent opportunity

for a healthful fast.

Participants should make their

way to the treatment rooms

for complementary purgatives.

Oh, no.

To enhance the process.

NARRATOR:
Hunger is sharper

than a serpent's tooth, it is.

And a simple omelette

can be a dangerous thing

in the right hands.

Absurd, isn't he?

His behavior is inexcusable.

He has an excuse.

Goodness' sake.

Now, I have something

to show you.

Oh my god.

What is all this?

Mummy's dream.

She hooked up the

hotel sewage system

to this methane

converter, which provides

unlimited gas for the boiler.

It's a sealed system.

As long as the guests eat and...

You know... there's as much heat

as we'll ever head.

She died a few days

before it was finished.

Never saw it working.

It's too bad.

The first time we fired it

up was for her cremation.

You see, it was

her last request.

The best part of her...

Not the physical part,

but her essence...

Is in the hotel now.

She's joined with it forever.

Right.

That must be a great

comfort to you.

It is.

It really is.

You know, Kath, I had

a hard job convincing

Ronald to let you back in.

I really think he would have

allowed you to die out there.

I put my neck on

the block for you.

I was happy to do it, but it

may have cost us the hotel,

if this situation continues.

And?

And I thought maybe

you might be able to do

me a favor in return?

Kath, would you cook for us?

What?

It's the only way.

For the good of the hotel.

No.

Too hot?

Nonsense.

Well, I'm staying here

until things are resolved

with him, one way or the other.

If I'm in the kitchen, then

he'll have to stop pretending

that I don't exist, won't he?

Can't you see what

he's going through?

You've not been

chewing your fish,

and I've warned you about that.

Cora?

What on earth are you

still doing in this place?

What does that mean?

I mean, my god, it was

hellish enough before,

but this is as bad as it gets.

It's my family home.

There's life out there.

Aren't you even curious?

Yes, of course I am.

But I'm needed here.

The treatments.

Forget the enemas.

This bunch of stiffs need

firecrackers up their asses.

Don't you?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

He'll never forgive you.

Fish stew is off.

Puttanesca is on.

FEMALE VOICE:
The unhealthy

intestine craves stimulation,

and must be trained rigorously.

Boiled food is most

readily digestible.

Boiling has the added advantage

of removing excess flavor

from certain ingredients,

and is thus generally

the preferred methods.

Our... our portions

are unequeal.

Well, she's taken a

dislike to you, obviously.

FEMALE VOICE:
Blanching and

poaching is also acceptable,

but ingredients may never

be friend or sauteed.

Better to submit to

intestinal surgery

than allow one

French fried potato

to find its way into the colon.

NARRATOR:
Man cannot

live by fish alone.

Whoever said that knew what

they were talking about.

Don't worry, Daddy.

Its not for long.

How was your dinner?

Puttanesca.

We had puttanesca.

It means prostitute

in Italian, she said.

Oh.

Well, how apt.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Don't you think?

Yes.

Yeah.

I used to think so.

Did you do it with her?

Naked, like... in the magazine?

What's it to you, Stanley?

Desmond says I've

got a dirty mind.

But I've gotta know

about these things.

Yes, we did.

But that's all you're getting.

Is that why she had to leave?

Because she was staff,

and you were management?

Do you think it's true

that every dog has its day?

Every dog?

I believe that.

I do.

Good for you, Stanley.

Good for you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISPERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Kath, dinner was superb.

A triumph.

Though a little

rich, to my mind.

A little regime, you know?

Well, um... considering

the available ingredients,

I'm flattered.

Anyway, I came to

proffer my thanks,

and just add a tiny

word of caution.

Hello.

You're a master

chef, aren't you?

You know, I bet you

could make anything.

I bet you could make desserts.

Really, Stanley,

I'm surprised at you.

I Really am disappointed.

You've ruined the evening.

Oh, god.

Always in the larder.

I'm taking over.

You can leave now.

Ah.

And why is that?

Because you're

wrecking the regime.

Because the guests like my food.

And if they like it, it can't

be doing them any good, right?

These people are sick.

Yeah, sick of your food.

My... my cuisine

is the one thing

that is keeping them alive.

Cuisine?

What... cuisine... you

wouldn't know a cuisine if it

came up and bit you on the ass.

I won't go.

If you put it to a vote,

the guests will choose me.

So I'll make you a deal.

Let's put your wonderful

cuisine to the test.

You come back, and I

stay until the ferry.

But not as sous chef.

As equal.

Two menus, mine and yours.

And if they're not all

eating and thriving

on mine my boat time, I

go, and that's the last

you'll ever hear of me.

And if they are?

What's the matter?

You losing your nerve?

No.

Then it's agreed.

MALE VOICE:
And thanks to

our listeners, who have

kept those recipes flowing in.

So, finally the moment

of truth arrives,

and I have the

pleasure of introducing

Doreen Fisk, last year's

winner, to announce

the jury's decision.

DOREEN FISK:
The

winner of the award

for the best historical

dish of the year goes to...

Oh, bugger!

Bugger.

MALE VOICE:
Excellent.

And now a...

I've been meaning to ask

you, what is that filthy thing

doing in my kitchen?

That is a present for you.

And I'm putting

it to better use.

FEMALE VOICE:
One has only

to witness this virile palate

to know that the chili pepper

has been at its ulcerous work,

deep within the soft intestine.

Most cuisines exist

for the purpose

of inducing the foolish to gorge

On all their stomachs can hold,

and more.

When I set eyes upon a table

loaded with so-called gourmet

foods, I only see what lies

beneath the facade... tumors

and polyps of the

digestive organs,

livers black with cirrhosis,

joints distorted by gout,

and spined kidney stones,

massive and impassable.

Try it now.

Still nothing.

Shut it off!

Good to see you back

in the kitchen again.

Minding the shop.

Though I'm surprised

you haven't booted her.

That muck she's serving

up... it's full of spices.

Pure poison.

Yeah, well you put her there.

Ronald, it was her idea.

You put us in such a jam.

What else could I do?

Too much.

You're killing me.

I can assure you,

this is pointless

and extremely harmful.

It is the one thing

keeping you alive,

as you should very well know.

Besides, I think you

secretly like it.

Professor [INAUDIBLE] has proven

the lethal dangers of light.

You only have to look at the

fourth digit of the loris lemur

to find all the proof you need.

Everyone else here manages

to get up in the morning

and sleep at night

without ill effect.

You can't be serious?

Just look at them.

They're all deranged.

Well, you're getting weaker.

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