House II: The Second Story Page #2

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- They named me after you.

My name is Jesse too.

(groaning)

(gasps)

- My great-great-grandson?

What year is it?

- I don't know.

- Now don't you mess with me, boy.

(gasps)

- 1986!

- [Charlie] October 30th.

- [Jesse] October 30th, 1986!

- Well.

(chuckling)

God damn!

You know,

I've been waitin' over 70 years

for some jackass to get

the sense to come dig me up.

(laughing)

Thank you, boy.

(mystical music)

Well, there she is.

There's somethin' special

about this old house.

Can't you feel it?

I can.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, come on.

Let's go this way.

Where you going?

(mystical music)

- [Zombie Jesse] There.

Remember, boys,

this house is a temple,

as fantastic as any pyramid or

castle you'll ever see.

It don't know time or space or

any of that hogwash,

but the forces of evil

are always after this skull

and you gotta help me to protect it.

So don't let no one touch

the dang thing, you hear?

- [Jesse]

Here, you can sleep on this.

- Is this the way you treat family?

Makin' 'em hide down in the basement

like some slimy ol' lizard?

- Well, I'm sorry, I must

be out of practice.

I don't have any family, sir.

- Don't call me "sir."

I ain't no politician.

Heck, I'm your great-great-grandfather.

You can call me "Gramps."

That's what your granddaddy

used to call me.

- All right, Gramps.

Well, we better hit the hay.

- Yeah.

- But I'm not tired.

I don't need no sleep.

Well, let's get me cleaned up

and then we can go out on the town

and do a little high steppin'.

- I don't know if

that's such a good idea.

- Why not?

There's nothin' wrong with me.

- No, there's nothin'

wrong with you, but...

- Well, somethin's botherin' ya.

I can see it in your eyes.

Look, I'm just as fit as a fiddle.

I'm...

(sorrowful fiddle music)

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm supposed to be young again.

- Gramps, maybe you should...

- Look at me.

(sobbing)

I'm a 170-year-old fart,

a goddamn zombie.

- Well, you look really good for

a 170-year-old zombie,

Gramps, really great.

- Well, I ain't gonna die if

it's the last thing I do.

(sighs)

(mischievous music)

What in tarnation is it?

- Gramps, this is a 1986

Alfa Romeo Spider.

Zero to 60, 7.3 seconds.

(mischievous music)

(engine revving)

(wild bluegrass music)

Let it out slow.

There you go, real slow.

(tires squealing)

(wild bluegrass music)

- [Jesse] Charlie!

- [Gramps] Yeehaw!

(tires squealing)

(wild bluegrass music)

(sighs)

(laughing)

Look at them stars.

Woo!

You know, they were

clearer back in the old days.

Sometimes they were so bright,

you couldn't get to sleep.

(laughing)

- Well, you know, Gramps, it's the ozone.

I mean...

(laughs)

I mean, you know, insect repellents,

you know, under arm

deodorants maybe,

just a pinch of communism,

(laughs) it's makin'

the stars fade away.

- You, you're drunk.

You're drunk.

(Charlie laughing)

(giggling)

- Whoa!

(laughing)

- I better drive.

(laughing)

(tires squealing)

(wild bluegrass music)

(tires squealing)

(wild bluegrass music)

(shouting and laughing)

(cackling)

(wild bluegrass music)

Oh, Charlie!

(laughing)

Charlie, I could...

Charlie?

(doorbell rings)

- Jesse, you old golf bag.

How are you?

- Uh, John, what are you doing here?

- Oh, well, your

beautiful lady informed me

that she's found

the Madonna of the 80's.

I thought I'd better come

by and check it out.

- Hey, I thought Madonna was the

Madonna of the 80's, huh?

(laughing)

- Very good.

Who's your friend, Bozo the Clown?

- No, Bozo the Death Machine.

- [Jesse] Uh, Charlie, Charlie,

this is John Statmen, Kate's boss.

He's the president of Heretic Records.

- Okay. Okay, Okay.

John Statmen. 'Course.

Hi. (laughs)

This is really a pleasure.

I'm really happy to meet you.

Charlie Coriell,

manager of Puce Glitz

and the Avoiders.

- [John] Kate!

- Ta da! Here she is.

- [John] Great, you have the tape?

- [Jesse] Where are you goin'?

- We're doing lunch.

John made a special

trip out here to meet Lana

and listen to her demo tape.

(giggling)

See you late, Jesse.

(television music)

- Isn't this great?

They just keep comin'

and comin' and comin'.

(laughing)

Where the hell they

all comin' from anyhow?

(laughing)

- Heck, I broke it.

- A brewski, Gramps.

- Thank you.

I hate this doggone box.

- Hello, I like this...

- It's got all them channels.

I don't wanna grow up

It's got nothin' interestin' to watch.

- Well, there I was right out

in the middle of Kansas

facing 500 crazy fanatics, heavily armed,

and me with only 15 soldiers.

- [Gramps] Now you take this

Ronald Reagan feller.

He sure is a pansy.

He wouldn'ta lasted 10 minutes

back in the old days.

- My dear young lady,

there comes a time

in every soldier's life when

he must stand or fall alone,

and if you knew the army,

you'd understand that he--

(television clicks off)

- It wouldn't do no good to

tell you how it was,

you had to be there,

and all them movies

and books and crap,

they don't tell you how it really was.

It was rough.

- Well, I got a question for you.

What ever happened to Slim Razor?

- Slim Razor ain't part of

my vocabulary no more, son.

We had a disagreement about who

the skull belonged to.

- What did you do?

- I shot the scallywag is what I did.

Well, he took a shot at me first,

so I had to teach him a lesson,

and I left him to die

in the Mojave Desert.

- And that was that?

- Yeah, that was that.

- Gramps, did you ever rob

a stagecoach?

- Sure.

(laughing)

- All right.

- All the time.

(laughing)

I robbed a stagecoach once just

outside of Dodge City.

Now, every day at about 5:30

(nostalgic fiddle music)

it used to come into the bank

(nostalgic fiddle music)

with a bag of money that

would give an elephant a hernia.

We set up on both sides

of a little gorge

just outside of town

and when the stagecoach

come on through, 50...

(Gramps storytelling)

(nostalgic fiddle music)

And they chased me around them hills

and clean across the

border into Arizona territory,

and I ridin' for about two weeks

without ever gettin' out

of the saddle

tryin' to lose them fellers.

(laughing)

(nostalgic fiddle music)

There I was, holdin' them off

with just two bullets in a Winchester

and all of the sudden, I take an arrow

right through the leg, right there.

- [Charlie] Right.

- And another one just

under the shoulder,

ooh, right there.

The caves were never uncovered again

and there musta been

a billion dollars

in diamonds and jewels down there.

(chuckles)

Now, that's somethin'

I intend to search for

just as soon as I get rejuvenated.

(muffled music playing)

- Shh.

- What?

- I hear something.

- Yeah, it sounds like music.

(music grows louder)

What time is it?

- And bring back some more beer.

(loud honky-tonk music)

- [Charlie]

Hey, Mike, how's it goin'!?

- [Mike] Cool, Charlie, cool.

(loud honky-tonk music and chatter)

- [Voiceover]

I'm in the business, Bozo!

- I invited some people

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