How I Won the War Page #2

- Baden-Powell.

Fall in, you.

On the command, move. Move.

Don't look at him, look at me.

If you look at him,

I'll give you to him.

You can be put into his hands.

You can spend your life with such as him.

- Oh...

- Brain, brawn and guile...

They're coming dressed in overalls

Coming dressed in tweed...

To the front, salute.

- As you were.

- Hit them rifles.

You won't break them.

To the front, salute!

Of skin and guts and fortitude

Of brain and brawn and guile

And what is more,

they're yours, young man

See you do well by them.

(piano flourish)

(sparse applause)

(Goodbody) I'll never forget the moment

I was appointed to my first command.

No...

- Oh...

- Him!

Squad, 'shun.

- We're all going to die.

- I'm gonna die in North Africa.

Come, now, be fair.

Not all of us, Corporal of Musket.

- There will be survivors.

- (machine gun)

Many of us, even, will survive training.

It's personal. Can I speak to you

on a personal matter?

Personal? Keep your rear down.

It's her, sir. She's getting stuffed the

jacksy off her by the man from the Pru.

Jacksy?

That is posterior, that is.

Some spy says he gets his hoggins

every Monday, regular as dick,

along with the 18d funeral policy.

- Hoggins?

- Is it right, sir?

- Is he intimate?

- He's no friend of mine, sir.

I ask you, in all conscience,

is it right that a serviceman is forced

to carnal knowledge for the insurance?

No, no, decidedly not.

I'll do anything you advise, sir.

Well, Clapper, is your good lady wife

a willing partner to this hoggins?

No, sir. It's this damn war.

It's got her excited.

And him, he's suave.

- Go on.

- Not in my silk stockings!

Here, you've brought

your child's gas mask.

Oh, no, not in front

of your child's gas mask.

Well, Clapper, lapse the policy.

It's yours, isn't it?

Good. Then lapse it. You don't need

a funeral policy in the army.

You get the last post.

My word.

Then the insurance will not call

on a Monday for his hoggins.

My life. What you've saved

is my life and my honey pot.

Do you mind if I gives

a jump of admiration here, sir?

Dirty bleeder. He'll have to entertain

somewhere else to obtain satisfaction.

Hold on, I'll rescue you, Clapper.

We didn't all die.

I often didn't feel well.

But I put a brave face on it

and we were soon sent to Egypt,

it seemed at the time,

where I volunteered myself. Didn't we all?

What the bloody hell are you doing here?

I'm here, sir, at your convenience.

Ernest.

I know the names of all my men, sir.

Come over here.

Your eyes are bright.

- My knees are brown, sir.

- Nice, I've got brown knees.

You'd like to get away from here,

Ernest, wouldn't you? See some action.

- My sole ambition, sir.

- I know.

Ernest, I want you to take your troop of

musketeers and go and do this job for me.

If you do it well, you need never

hang around on street corners again.

You can go away and do stirring things.

Would you like that?

Oh, sir.

Sir, I'd give my right arm and leg.

It's not you, sir.

I'm not bored with you. I love you.

In a strict metaphorical way

of speaking, as it were.

I'd give them my arm and leg.

Damn sporting of you, sir.

The lads will be chuffed.

- (gulps)

- I gulped.

I used to gulp like a fish

every time a general touched me.

One time, when I was a subaltern...

Nice eyes.

We are exchanging bubblegum cards.

We are staff officers.

- Have you got Dunkirk?

- Toby's got Dunkirk.

There's a lot of Dunkirk about.

Ghastly colours.

- I do a bit of Sunday painting myself.

- I want School Bombing.

- We know what you want, Toby.

- I want School Bombing.

- (laughter)

- Not much doubt about morale here, eh?

It's funny when the killing starts.

Some of them don't like it.

That's where you come in. I want you

to set up an advanced area cricket pitch.

Did you think you can do that?

Can you read a map?

239451 or thereabouts, near an oasis.

Get some grass if you can.

Doesn't matter if you can't.

I want it first class,

and I want it in September.

That means you have three days from

the time you land behind enemy lines.

It's got to be a good pitch because

a very important bod is going to see it.

- How much is she?

- Does she take bully beef?

He's going to come up out

of the torment of the noblest of games

and hear the sharp click

of leather on willow.

Ah, with his weary soldier boys.

That'll show them, bring their tails up.

Show this very important bod just how

high the British soldier can get his tail.

Yes, I want it first class and in three days.

That doesn't give you much time.

I want you to go all out.

Will you go all out for me?

Just remember my standing orders.

Usual thing.

Let no man surrender

if he is wounded and can fight.

- Need I say more?

- No, sir.

And thank you, sir, for your faith.

I'll do what I can to tire her out, sir,

so these young soldiers don't get hurt.

Hey, hey, hey. It's a dangerous job

and it's an important job.

The next three days

are not going to be a picnic.

I want you to come to me not only as

a troop leader - and it is a good troop -

but also as a friend.

Should you have any doubts, problems,

do not hesitate to come to me.

I want you to feel you can come to me

for help as you would your own father.

Hello, Dad, Mum's been looking

all over the shop for you.

Back! Mines!

Reverse engines!

(yells)

Hard astern.

To me, sir! Troop!

Good job I saw that. Good job, eh?

Very heavily mined, you'll find, I'm sure.

We're best out of here.

To me.

Rally to me, Third Troop.

If it is humanly possible.

I shouldn't be left on my own.

I can't win a war on my own.

I'm rather too young.

I feel I'm folding up like a telescope.

I hold the DSO. I do hold the DSO, after all.

- Commando?

- No.

On your feet.

(speaks German)

Come inside.

You are Number 1331490?

Lieutenant Ernest Goodbody

of His Majesty's Brigade of Musketeers.

Huh? Educated

at Wellington and Marlborough.

Before the war, a solicitor in the firm

of Nicholas, Collins & Osgood.

- Am I right?

- No. Sir.

The name is right,

but all the rest is wrong.

Oh, well, just a guess.

We are not all supermen.

(whistles)

Home is favourite. You wouldn't want us

making a nuisance of ourselves out there.

- Use your initiative.

- I ain't got none.

- Come on. Off, Pongo.

- Matelot! Whose bloody side are you on?

It's a great gamble for a great stake

and I pray to God that it comes off.

- I like a game of cricket myself.

- Don't you know there's a war on, jack?

Oh, come on, don't give me that.

The sea has always bred heroes.

At the battle of Trafalgar, one of the

French captains had both legs blown off.

- And he directed his men to the end.

- I'll see what I can do for you.

- More than my job's worth.

- Mount, come on. Juldi/ Drivers, start up!

We do have some drivers, don't we?

Well, who drove them on? I did.

Clutch in, move gear, pedal down,

clutch out, now all together.

(all) Clutch in, move gear,

pedal down, clutch out.

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