How I Won the War Page #3

Very good.

Come on, come on. Give me some speed.

Put that brake on.

Clutch. Don't get too near the man in front.

It's working.

It this absolutely North Africa?

Because I'd like you

to have my best boots.

I don't want your best boots.

Gear in. Accelerator down. Best boots(!)

No, they're good lads.

They'd follow you anywhere.

Hark at them, gazing on me

with their trusting little eyes.

- Sir.

- Shufty.

My feet's wet, sir. Sir, my feet's wet.

- It's disgusting. They are manky.

- Well, they're yours.

- You gave them toys.

- Yours.

I haven't been able to command respect

since before the war.

Right, stop! Stop!

Stop!

Then they're Mr Goodbody's,

who we seem to have mislaid.

We'll do our best to find him. I'm gonna

shoot the bleeder, dropping me in it.

Out, Gripweed. Handbrake on.

Come here.

- Is your feet, Gripweed, wet?

- No.

You're giving me lies.

Goodbody will want to see your feet.

- They dried.

- Then you best get them wet again. Move!

- At the double.

- At the double.

- Anybody else?

- Left, right, left, right...

- (horn)

- Sarge!

(horn blares)

I'll teach you to try

to put the blame on me.

That was a nasty moment.

Right, all together now.

- Mr Goodbody, sir.

- (all) Mr Goodbody, sir.

(all) Mr Goodbody! Mr Goodbody, sir!

Peter Nan Oboe...

Peter Nan Oboe... Peter Nan Oboe...

Netting call, net now.

Seen any Musketeers

swanning about, trooper?

Come here.

Come here.

All stations, report my signal.

Peter Nan Oboe... Peter Nan Oboe...

Fourth Muskets, aren't you?

Been expecting you.

- Blue, white and two reds.

- I'm green, green, green, sir.

Oh, I know you are.

Well, keep out of my way

until the pitch is ready to play.

Peter Nan Oboe...

Hello, all stations, report my signal.

- Where are they?

- Who, sir?

- The Bedoo, my wily Arabs.

- I've lost contact with my men too, sir.

- Oh, brew, sir?

- Treating them right? No!

- They think the world of me.

- They should be up here then.

- No brew.

- Bum on. On to Tripoli.

Uh...

- Come on.

- I was wondering, sir, a lift.

Sir... I...

Bum on. Bum on.

- Oh, it's gonna hurt, Flo.

- Damn, damn!

Get me another vehicle.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Ah!

- I'll take one of yours. Come on, come on!

- Come on, come on!

- Where've you been?

Get out. Come on, come on.

Get out.

Looking after their feet, are you, boy?

See they get plenty of tea.

Curious thing, that, give the British soldier

plenty of tea, and he'll die for you.

Of course, I'm a poet.

I expect things. I love the desert.

You took me for an ignorant old fire-eater.

No. I'm sleeping with the desert.

Not unusual. Pat a white rump in the

desert and you'll startle an Englishman.

The Englishman loves the desert.

- You?

- I'm trying, sir.

Er, I play the piano. Not boasting.

Just a fact, that's all. Working class.

I think you should. Look after their feet,

boy. They can't be trusted with their feet.

Feet and brew-ups and you'll find

you can do anything with him.

Keep a tight rein on his habits.

Those of a pig, mostly.

But even a pig has his moment. Carries

the blue ribbon. Don't despise your men.

They've given me a good life

so don't despise them. Here.

Share these out amongst them.

- Remember me, Grapple of the Bedoo.

- I won't bloody remember you.

- He used to be a fascist, sir.

- It takes all sorts.

Fascism is something you grow out of.

I tried to change the world myself.

Doesn't do. I wouldn't think anything

of you if you hadn't been a fascist.

Keep them at it

so they don't have time for dirty things.

Come on, young fella,

you've only got three more days.

No time for poetry.

(bugle)

- There goes a very gallant gentleman.

- Oh, I know, sir, like you, sir.

Thank you, sir,

for not holding fascism against me.

I was a great mate of Mosley's. I held his

voice for him while he lost his meetings.

Hey, hey, I'd just like to say a few words.

Move, now.

I want to say how pleased I am...

How pleased I was

when I heard that I was going to lead you

on this dangerous and important task.

I've always thought that when the time

came, we'd all get on splendidly together.

Bravery, things like that.

(yells)

When I was told I was to be your troop

leader, I had a little weep and a laugh.

I do know we're all going

to get on splendidly together.

- You play ball with me...

- (men) And I'll play ball with you.

(all) You do your bit and I'll do mine.

We're all members of the same team,

each playing our part

in the fight for freedom and democracy.

Never surrender. Work hard. Train hard.

Play hard. And kill hard.

Don't take it too hard.

(Grapple) Look after your lads. They're no

good to me if their feet aren't up to snuff.

It hurts, Flo.

It is impossible to tell all the touching and

heroic stories of courage and patience...

- It hurts, Flo.

- Run them under the cold tap, love.

It is indeed a lovely sight.

Thank you, sir, it is my best part.

- Corporal of Musket!

- Can I put my shirt on now, sir?

Have you seen it?

It is indeed a lovely sight.

Corporal of Musket, look at it.

Will you be available for stag, sir?

If you will be taking your turn on guard,

I'd suggest first stag and me on last,

making sure you was fresh for command

on the off at the most likely times.

Pro tem, you can say no, I'll have you

down for mine being off at the first light.

Think we ought to green, green, green?

- Not unless you want bang, bang, bang.

- In the sky? Send up the Union Jack!

White and two reds...

That's very like the Colonel,

which reminds me...

If you do take a stag, sir, that's one hour

each, unless you keep the wireless open,

making the operator

unavailable for guard.

- That's me.

- Wireless silence, Corporal of Musket.

What have we got a wireless for, then?

We can't have wireless silence

without a wireless, can we, Spool?

Do come in, Corporal of Musket.

Of course I'll take my turn. That goes

without saying. Put me down for last stag.

- Gripweed.

- Sir?

Green, green, green.

Well, our officer calls me up and he says,

"Musketeer Gripweed..."

He was a tall chap.

Some would call him weedy. I did.

He said to me, and bear in mind we were

a few hundred miles behind enemy lines,

"Green, green, green" so I did.

(shots)

What...?

(speaks German)

Grn, grn, grn? Weg/

These were given to me

by a very gallant gentleman.

- I want to see all feet before we move.

- I think that was a mistake, sir.

Why, Corporal Dooley?

Have they been neglecting their feet?

- Have you?

- Get away from those vehicles.

(shouts)

(explosion)

Dooley, hitch that roller up.

- That's a relief.

- (all) That's a relief.

- Is this still North Africa?

- What?

Brew-up, sir?

You see why those lorries burnt so well

and exploded - nay, came apart -

that's petrol and lubricants,

which is very difficult to get in war.

- Not for the British army. Or doctors.

- Right.

All we're getting on with now is casualties.

Report me casualties.

Ammo, water, petrol remaining.

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