How I Won the War Page #5

wouldn't. There's transport if you want it.

If you're picked up,

tell them you're a Guardsman.

Hands out of your pockets.

Top hats will not be worn.

No fish and chips in uniform.

Parade... Parade, turn.

- Parade ready for your inspection, sir.

- Thank you, Corporal of Musket.

- Musketeer Drogue, isn't it?

- I'd like you to have my blessing.

Don't worry too much. Very good turnout.

There's been marvellous advances

in surgery, thanks to war.

- Well done, Musketeer Drogue. Black up.

- (quacks)

You can't make me fight.

No, but we can put you where your

decision might prove fatal. Pieces of jam.

Right, mount.

I don't know your name

but I'd like you to have my camera.

Orders, information enemy, nil.

Information own troops. We are...

(all) Third Troop of the Fourth Muskets

acting in an independent role as infantry,

lorried behind the enemy lines

with sports equipment.

(Goodbody) Intention.

(all) We shall, under cover of darkness,

occupy a position

overlooking the enemy encampment.

We will then attack

and destroy the enemy for his petrol.

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with G.

Method. Corporal Dooley, with one LMG,

will move forward to high ground

at 1.00 o'clock from my present position.

(all) The rest of the troop,

under my command,

will crawl to a point - figures -

100 yards in front of the objective

where they will wait for the LMG

to get into position.

The signal for the LMG to open fire

shall be green, green, green.

The LMG shall cease firing

when the main attack is mounted

and is within - figures -

50 yards of the objective.

We will consolidate on the objective.

We shall not take prisoners.

If we pull together,

with true British pluck and team spirit,

we shall, with the help

of the Almighty God of battles,

win his just victory

over the forces of evil.

Good luck. I'm a little duck

so let's get quacking into battle.

- Come on.

- Eh?

Who's the Almighty God of battles?

Jesus, is it?

That's right. It will be. Jesus.

Clapper, I'd like you to have my watch.

(shouting in German)

Command, forward!

Come on! Come on!

Forward!

(Goodbody) Follow me!

(speaking German)

(shouting in German)

Where are you going, lad?

Why don't you make the best of it?

It can be fun. Some have

the best of their life in the army.

(screaming/canned laughter)

A rout! A disgraceful rout.

Get fell in. Let's see your bayonets.

Have them out, have them out.

Why are you laughing, Drogue?

Wipe that smile off your face.

Let's see 'em, at the end of your hype -

not waving about

like a hampton searching for a hand.

What do we wear in our caps?

Does it need cleaning, Juniper?

- Yes, it does.

- Look at them all, shining bright.

Fancy me fighting filthy like that.

An old chubby duster like me.

Might have got gangrene from that.

I'll have it out with my servant.

Filthy! Get a tube, siphon petrol from

the gin palace and fill up the half-track.

- That's you out of mischief.

- Look at them all, shining bright.

- I want them stinking.

- Corporal of Musket.

Condensed milk.

About all you're good for,

sticking it in tins.

Your badge represents the regiment

and the regiment represents all of us.

You, me, all of us here today.

- A dirty badge is a disgrace.

- They shouldn't be clean.

Shining bright? Two days,

for having a dirty bayonet.

- They shouldn't be clean.

- They should be sticky with blood.

What did you return with?

- I got some pretty things.

- No, no.

I want to see you coming back

on the high port, grinning.

With blood running down arms,

dripping from elbows.

I don't care whose blood it is.

Stick it in your mate.

Let's have it used. I hate waste.

See. See mine.

It represents your father,

mine, his before that.

It represents battles

fought and won years ago.

Battles fought so that we could live

as we wanted to,

long before the Americans

were even thought of.

They didn't invent living, you know.

It represents tradition, Musketeer.

And I for one won't stand

for a dirty tradition.

Get the nonsense out of them.

I tried to get you interested.

You'll have to learn the hard way.

Squad, 'shun!

High port.

At the throat, point in!

Out! En garde. Shout it, Clapper.

- In, out, en garde!

- Let's hear from you.

Can I see you

for a moment, personal, sir?

- What?

- It's the butcher this time, sir.

With his steak and his mutton.

She'll do anything for extra.

(soldiers) Left nipple, right groin/

Left nipple, right groin/

Is it now the butcher which is carrying out

intimacy at your home address?

- (all) In, out, en garde.

- Is it right, sir?

- Is it right a butcher should...

- (all) Whip it out!

- (all) Whip it in!

...while her husband is away fighting?

- (all) And wipe it.

- At the throat, jab. Shout it, Clapper.

At the throat, jab!

At the throat, jab! At the throat, jab!

- Kill him. Kill the bleeder.

- At the throat, Gripweed!

- How's this for openers?

- (engine)

Now, watch closely.

I am about to demonstrate the correct use

of the identification triangle.

Oblique, middle and near east.

Oblique, yellow.

Each platoon, troop or tactical unit

will detail one man

to carry the triangle at all times.

Now watch closely, Clapper, because

in future you will be the triangle man.

But any one of you might be called upon

to be conversant with the triangle.

So watch closely.

You won't get another chance.

It is tied under the chin, like so.

On the approach of a friendly aircraft,

the bearer stands in a prominent position

and displays the triangle thus.

- Where's the roller gone?

- (machine gun)

Gripweed, have you stolen the roller?

Where's that roller gone?

This is the last straw.

That is it. No one move from this spot.

There'll be no more leave, late-night

passes until that roller is returned.

I get you all clean, fit,

ready for fighting and what do you do?

There'll be no more privileges.

I'll stop this petty thieving.

And, Gripweed, what's more,

who's had my Brylcreem?

- You?

- Never touch the stuff, I'm excused hair.

There! Italian recreation eyeties!

You can't put a bloody thing down.

There is a code, you know. Scavengers.

Sticks in my craw. I can take most things

but stealing I draw the line at.

Here we are, fighting

the most desperate war in history,

and a few wop adventurers

act the giddy goat.

I've seen your sort fumigated.

If a wop can be fumigated.

To think they once handed out

ice cream wafers.

To think you once handed out

cornets on a Sunday afternoon.

Is there no damn decency left in you?

No respect for the property of others?

Play your ridiculous game but don't

expect us to take any notice of you.

Grown men in shorts! I'm pretty incensed.

It's one of the most shocking things

in the war.

It's a shame the Italian nation

has to be brought into disrepute

by the lunatic actions

of a pitiful few fascist pimps.

And let that be a lesson to you!

(engine cuts out)

Well done! Oh, very well done!

- (cheering)

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