How I Won the War Page #6

- Italia/

The tide is turning.

Our very first real victory.

The beginning of the end for the Boche.

I think the tide is turning. I do!

You got him, Tranners! I do!

- Wasn't he one of ours?

- Here's one of mine.

- Go on, get him.

- Let that be a lesson to you.

- Shoot your own officers.

- You can't leave a thing lying around.

There's nobody to be trusted in total war.

Well done, though.

Our first real victory. The writing

on the wall. We're coming back, Adolf.

The tide has turned.

Come on, Gripweed. The army didn't

bring you to admire the view.

There's a job to be done

and precious little time.

You two check for damage.

Juniper, put that petrol in the half-track.

Empty your water bottles into the roller.

We need the weight.

Come on, Clapper, stop daydreaming.

Tell the wife to drop the butcher and

become a vegetarian. That's my advice.

Thank you, sir. Thank you,

you've saved my life again, sir.

Then he won't be round

tempting her with his buckshee mutton.

Bloody waste of time. Soft git.

I know it's a long way.

I know it's not glamorous as a job.

I know there are others doing jobs

in this war that are more glamorous.

But I had this promise.

Some soldiers are going to come out of

the din of battle and are going to thank us.

If we can get our very small cricket pitch

by first light tomorrow morning.

Another 20 miles, that's all.

If we can,

they're going to look

at our small patch of sanity

and they're going to say it was worth it.

They are, and then we...

I have this promise.

We can go and do stirring things.

Bloody waste of...

I'll stop this petty thieving.

Petty thieving!

Do you get much thievery,

cowardice, things like that?

No, no.

Being in improper possession

of a comrade's property.

- Can't put a thing down.

- No.

On the whole, no thievery, no fibbing,

no arguing with a superior officer,

no treachery, no cowardice,

not much rape.

I don't countenance rape.

No letting down of the boys.

They'll have to put all that back.

Most of us are artists.

Ah! He's very good.

Ah, look, they're going

to blow up your geraniums.

Oh, dear.

(theme from "Lawrence Of Arabia")

That's a relief.

What's so damned important

about a damned cricket pitch?

I said, more to show

that though I was an officer,

I could understand the feelings

of ordinary chaps like them.

- But it isn't just a cricket pitch, is it?

- It is.

I'll tell you for why. Because it's

a silly bloody silly cricket pitch is why.

On. We'll find the bloody oasis ourselves.

(German spoken in distance)

(first voice) I'm going to be

in the second battle of Alamein.

(second voice) I'm going to be

in the second battle of Alamein.

I'm excused Alamein... for my feet.

I suppose some form of National

Socialism is inevitable after the war.

(voices overlap and distort)

- I'm going to be in the second battle...

- That's the ticket.

- It is good news, isn't it?

- Congratulations.

I don't half envy you.

What you'll be able to tell your children.

Come on, kids, Dad is going to tell us

about the second battle of Alamein again.

This is today, and I'm still alive today.

My name is Henry Bridgehouse.

I'm still thinking of you all,

and so are you, I fondly hopes, alive,

and all the kiddies still at home,

to whom I send my very best.

Is that all right?

(whimpers)

Any chance of another battle?

It's high time.

You're a great man, a very great man,

but you are impatient.

- I want a battle.

- That is the way to lose battles.

- I want a battle.

- I'll tell you the sort of man I am.

I am patient. At the second battle

of Alamein, I shall be patient.

I shall start the battle... here.

And then I shall go to bed... there.

That is the sort of man I am.

Never fight battles when you're awake.

That is the way to lose battles.

Mines! Don't move.

(screams)

We've done it, lads! We've made it.

Oh, well, done, Third Troop.

They're very beautiful.

What can be done with them

in this world after the war is over?

We're fighting against men

inflicted with a terrible virus.

Do push-ups. Clapper, on your belly.

And it is a belly. I want you fit.

I want 500 guns,

300 tanks, 200 aeroplanes.

I'll tell you my plan.

I hatched it in the lavatory.

My plans are

always hatched in lavatories.

Pull the bleeding chain, then.

- There's none in it.

- Spool, no. Have some pride, lad.

- I let it out.

- Who took the water?

Spool, I'm talking to you, lad.

I can shoot you.

A hole in your head.

You'll die with your silly name.

- I let it out so it would be lighter.

- Shoot me, in my big toe.

I can, you know, shoot you, and him.

And you can, him.

Put a round up him. All it needs.

Come on, come on. Running on the spot.

Begin! One, two, one, two...

- Go on, Gripweed.

- I can't, Tranny.

Yes, you can. It's easy.

It gets easier. That's the thing about it.

The thing I hate more than anything else.

I'm not going to be able

to go home, you know.

A lad I know saved a grenade at Dunkirk.

Didn't drop it in the sandbag.

Saved it, took it home

and put in on his stomach,

holding it between belly and thigh,

and went to bed.

Pin out, relaxed and died.

It gets very easy.

I can look at a man, dead, step over him

ten times a day, going to the cookhouse.

Not curious enough

to turn him over and see his face.

Front lying... down!

I do blame them for that.

This way, sir.

I do blame them for that.

I used to be put off my supper should

I see a cat dead in the middle of the road.

Or a bird, leave alone a man, though

we didn't get much of that down our way.

- So you can.

- I won't, though.

- That's different, won't.

- This beats National Socialism, Gripweed!

I am glad I won't.

Don't move, sir, we're all in a minefield.

It's a very simple plan.

All my plans are simple plans.

Look at Dieppe. That was simple.

Wait until Arnhem.

That's going to be simple.

Gather your ammunition.

Leave your packs by the roller.

- And have them whipped?

- No, Gripweed is coming with us.

I'm simple. Gather round me.

Can you hear me at the back?

- Hi-de-hi!

- Ho-de-ho!

Has he sent you any water, has he?

That man. Corporal of Musket,

stop that man making an ass of himself.

Get all 500 guns and fire them in the same

place to blow the daylights out of them.

- Hold still, Spool.

- Fill your bottles from the roller.

- Give him a drink, Corporal of Musket.

- There's none in there.

- My God, the roller. Get it in the shade.

- I thought it would be lighter.

Come on, lad. We'll get some water when

we capture the oasis. Lashings of water.

We'll send you chaps in

with 200 tanks going like bats out of hell.

You've seen enough now. Off you go,

there's good chaps. Hold his head.

Just who could play a trick like that?

At the best, it's rank inefficiency.

- Me!

- Who took my man's water? I want water.

- How can my men fight without water?

- Me!

I did, I let the bloody water out

to make it lighter.

Give the lad some room, will you?

Would you take that camera away?

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