How I Won the War Page #7

There's a good fella.

Haven't you had enough?

Find a battle and film it.

- (Juniper) A good battle.

- Clear these cameramen away.

Haven't you insulted us enough? Your

army is the best in the world. Get away.

It's all right. Don't let him bite this time.

- It's all over. Make a ring round him.

- No, let the bastards see.

No. The next of kin, think of them.

(Spool screams)

That happened to a son of mine.

He was left all through the war.

- They do, don't they?

- With his eardrum.

- It's the noise, I expect.

- Still, he's not dead like some.

- Well, you can forgive.

- Missing. Not dead. They didn't get him.

He'll turn up. Missing, he is.

(bugle)

Colonel! Colonel, any water?

Bum on, bum on, on to Tunis.

See to the roller... and Spool first.

Huzzah! It'll be all right now.

Huzzah! Good old Colonel Grapple.

He's a character that will see us through.

That's the thing about war.

It's a picnic if left to the right officers.

Men who understand our ways.

Treat us like human beings.

What we want is more humane killers.

Good old Colonel Grapple! See you on

personal when you have a moment, sir?

(all) Achtung/

My God! No time for that now.

They must know we're here.

- Rounds per man?

- Three and a half, sir.

When you use that, fix bayonets and die.

Charge is the joke.

Fix bayonets and charge.

- We're all gonna die under funny names.

- Charge.

Good luck to you all. Tally-ho!

Boot the Hun right through to Tunis!

(repeatedly) Fire!

(bagpipes)

Now, bear in mind,

we had him on the run, Jerry.

We'd stood to all night, of course.

As we stood up, the bullets

flew around us. Like rain it was.

I well remember - and bear in mind,

I was platoon sergeant -

it therefore was behove of me

to keep morale up -

so I said, more as a laugh,

cos it wasn't tense or below par...

You very rarely are, at the start line.

Take no notice of the Yanks. They haven't

lived. And they was always bombing us.

Now there's rarely any tenseness.

It's the relaxation you notices.

Little kips all along the start line,

barring them as is already haywire.

So... more to raise a laugh...

Like shoelaces, seeing as they're tight.

Not crippling you, not causing you to trip.

There. (he laughs)

Silly ha'porth! Crippled you. It's important

to raise a laugh on the battlefield.

And very humorous the laughs can be.

Some humorous books being written.

More for a laugh, I said "We should have

us gas capes on. It is raining bullets."

That was when we lost Charles Black

from a raindrop.

I said "We should have us umbrellas

and gas capes, boys. Raining bullets."

"We'll get wet, boys,

if we're not careful, chums" I said.

More for a laugh.

(whistles "Colonel Bogey")

Well, you see? Good.

(speaks German)

Wollen Sie trinken?

(shouting in German)

(groaning)

Oh, my poor horses.

Cavalry horses love the stir and the din,

even the danger, of battle.

The British cavalryman

regards his horse as his friend.

Those who have ponies,

children and horses of your own, at home,

may like to know how well

we look after our steeds.

Sometimes we risk being shot at to put

our wounded mounts out of their misery.

(gunshot, man yelps)

Eight, nine... How's your leg theory,

Corporal of Musket?

I'd like your opinion. What do you think?

As a wicket, likely to vent spiteful

by midday, I think.

Er... Light roller.

Bowlers don't expect miracles.

As a pitch, it will teach you perseverance.

21, 22...

I want a batting crease

four feet from here, Gripweed.

Spool, put a stump in here.

The light should be good.

Keep the water off, I think.

Don't want to have to contend

with a sticky wicket.

On a dead wicket, always bat first.

Remember, Gripweed, medals are merely

milestones on the road to final victory.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

(yells)

- Where've you been?

- In enemy hands, sir.

You told them nothing

but name, rank and number?

I don't know my name, rank and number.

I remember the number of my first rifle.

Don't try that.

I can smell them, the ones who are not

100 per cent for it. Try that one on me?

Take those nasty Nazi clothes off

and play cricket. Teach you team spirit.

Not a wound on him.

Show me a wound.

You stink of surrender.

Not a decent wound on you.

- I've been burned.

- We've all been burned.

Pads on! Play every ball on its merit.

- I want to fight.

- That man is malingering.

I've a damn shrewd idea

that you are trying to work your ticket.

I say, you can't do that.

He's a private soldier.

He's a stinking coward.

I've always wanted to hit a general.

Fall in, two men, he hit the General.

- Open the batting from the mountain end.

- What's going on here?

That boy is only 19. Here, hold this camel.

Hit somebody your own rank, or near it.

- Who are you?

- Grapple MC. Grapple of the Bedoo.

And another thing, I will not play cricket...

- Come, now, none of us like war.

- I do. I like war.

I do not like cricket.

- Did you have many humorous incidents?

- Yes, we did.

- Tell me about yours.

- They're not funny, really.

- Tell me. Are the British cruel?

- Oh, yes.

- We know what we're doing.

- And we are.

Do you know what we have done

to millions of people?

- I think you've killed them.

- I don't know anything about it. Terrible.

- Are you sorry about these people?

- No, no, I am not.

I thought about it and... no, I'm not.

I'm not sorry about my men.

- Did you have a lot of men?

- Yes.

- You did?

- Yes, hundreds.

Me too, and all with the same faces.

They all looked the same to me.

You look after them, see their feet

is clean, dry, powdered.

- They will not look after their feet.

- They began to kill me with worry.

More than that. More.

May I?

The thing about them

was they would not respond.

There it was for them,

a crusade against tyranny...

Oh, not you. Not you.

But if they knew the King.

My mother knew him well.

She used to send to his birthday.

And all the children, the princesses,

they all got something,

even though

we were not that well off.

I wanted to do my best for him.

He knew

why he gave me his commission.

- You know what I mean?

- Ja.

I wanted to know them.

I wanted to know them very much.

I can talk to you.

I could talk to nobody else.

I haven't spoken to anyone else about

the King and me for the whole of this...

And I. The King and I. You know?

- You'd like him.

- Thank you.

As I was saying, I haven't been

able to speak to anyone else

through the whole of this film.

You see, one day, after a not particularly

arduous or expensive skirmish,

they were all gathered round me...

I well remember...

the way an admirable man and a great

soldier referred to expensive noises

as he listened to a battle without emotion.

That is the way, isn't it?

- For our kind.

- You are a fascist!

Am I? But I don't particularly dislike Jews.

- I love them.

- Have you...? Are you cruel?

- Have you killed many Jews?

- Quite a lot.

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