How I Won the War Page #8

- What do you say to that?

- Good Lord.

But then I try to find good in everybody.

(sparse applause)

Why choose me

as your defending officer?

You're the only one decently turned out.

- Halt. Face your front.

- Shut up.

This man is not fit to plead.

It is obvious to anyone

with a spark of humanity in them

that he should be treated with sympathy

and understanding and sent home.

- Shut up! You may not say anything.

- Defending officer, sir.

He's not an officer,

for all his voice and his linear belt.

Therefore, he may not make speeches.

He has no privileges in this court.

Choose anyone you like

but only officers can talk to me.

That makes it awkward.

He should have gone to grammar school.

- Got his Cert A, passed his commission,

- I came up from the ranks. I'm a general.

- This is a general court martial.

- For hitting me.

- Permission to speak.

- Shut up.

Speak up. Be respectful.

What is wrong with the army

is that there is not enough humanity in it.

Shut up! If it wasn't for the British army,

you wouldn't be here today.

Humanity!

We're going into Germany soon.

When we get to the home of the Hun,

take your pips off.

You're a very lucky chap.

You're fighting in a war which may well

turn out to be a crusade. If I know the Hun.

A good soldier but a bit frightful. With

any luck, he's up to some revolting things.

In case he isn't, better take your pips off.

They will put a bullet through your neck

for what you've made them do.

I don't think Jerry will disappoint us,

so shut up!

I don't think I could do that. They're the

nicest things that ever happened to me.

I think my lads are very fond of me.

Sir! Permission to fall out, sir?

We've been playing cricket

in the hot sun for three hours.

We can't enjoy ourselves infinitum,

or at least bowl underarm.

Play on is my advice to you unless

you want to look at me in a court martial.

- Enjoy yourselves. It will be a long war.

- Play on!

You may not fall out until a very important

bod sees you entertained and happy.

Tails up, I haven't brought you

all this way to bowl underarm.

- It's just as hard for me as it is for you.

- You're a bastard.

I hope so, I hope I am a bastard.

- I'm not proud of it.

- Sit down, son.

I've looked after their feet

as if they were my own, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

- What is all this?

- Advance cricket pitch.

Present and ready for your inspection, sir.

What rotten bowlers. Right, drive on.

It is bad. The lower-middle and working

classes receiving the King's Commission?

These classes, unlike like the classes

who led the army when I was a lad,

never had their people to consider.

I liked it better when he was a comedian.

He wasn't very funny but I liked it better.

Jokes. Mind you, I'm working class.

I had a grandfather who was a miner.

Until he sold it.

It's a very simple plan.

All my plans are simple.

You remember Dieppe? Arnhem will be

as simple. A few parachutes, that's all.

My heart's not in it any more.

Oh, go away, I'm tired. I'm the only

bleeding bowler in the Second Army.

(artillery and machine guns)

(bomb falls)

- Sorry, old man.

- It's all right, sir. I'm very grateful.

- Stretcher bearer!

- Jammy bastard.

With the Second Army linking up, the men

of the Airborne can afford to relax a little.

(cackles)

(shouts in Dutch)

Out!

Come on, come on!

- Tot ziens/

- Auf Wiedersehen/

- Welkom, welkom.

- Thanks.

One, two...

Don't look, don't look, don't look!

Don't look... Don't look...

Don't look.

Don't look...

Come on.

Dooley, Spool, take the barn.

Sergeant Transom with me.

We are English.

Nice place you've got.

Right, you two, outside. Slit trench eight

yards from this wall. Move yourselves.

Do sit down.

(announcer) Now, this is the job on which

the soldier's life and the battle depends.

As soon as the infantryman

reaches a new position,

he starts to dig in with pick and spade.

To begin with,

cover is a hole in the ground,

but as the enemy are rolled back

by succeeding waves of troops,

the men immediately behind

start serious digging.

The infantryman's home in battle

is his slit trench.

In a narrow five-foot hole,

he lives, sleeps, eats, and rests.

If the men are lucky, rations, great coats

and mail are brought to them after dark.

It's the missus again, of course.

She's having it away with a Yank now.

Hands across the sea,

straight up her woollies.

(shrieks with laughter)

(clattering)

- Stop it!

- What are you laughing at?

I can't say it. I can say nothing.

I'd like to say what I feel,

but I can only tell you what I see.

The weather's not bad

and I still write to you.

The words look so young on paper

and we are grown people.

But I'll tell you. I do miss you.

"Moonlight Cocktail" is now all the rage.

...with an American soldier.

They're all over here now.

He thrust his great American hand

into my dress

and I felt the utility material

of which it was made, parachute silk,

tear asunder

under the thrust of his passion.

Fondest ever always,

your own Mrs Clapper.

Gripweed, Clapper, cover yourselves.

They're coming from the right!

Sergeant Transom, tank and infantry

coming from the right. This side.

Sergeant Transom! Get out.

Now, watch it.

Have a heart, eh?

(metal clanks)

Thieving git. Some bastard's

been prior, has he, Jock?

- One bastard stinks to high heaven.

- Are you a duration bloke?

- You wouldn't chuckle?

- Pack it in.

I'm a regular.

It's my soddin' career, liberating.

I knew this'd happen.

You knew it'd happen, didn't you?

(speaking German)

(German)

Thank you. Thank you for your help.

- Steady on, we're still on it, the bridge.

- It is a lovely bridge.

It is the only bridge

still intact across the Rhine.

- It won't be for long.

- If you had it, you could win the war.

- I think we're doing that anyhow.

- And I could retire sooner.

- You'd win.

- Yes.

- It's yours.

- No, I don't want to blow it up.

You've done all the work.

- No, please.

- Cheap.

How much do you want for it?

No, no, no.

As we mean to go on, after the war.

The war brings out the best

in some, you know?

Thank you, but as we mean to go on.

- $25,000.

- Eisenhower would never pay.

Have it. Go on.

No. Those days are over.

There's no hope for you or your country

if you're going to let emotion rule.

I tell you. And it's got me nowhere.

To me, Sergeant Transom! To me!

(gunfire continues)

I should have shot that stupid

little bleeder a long time ago.

I always wanted to, as you know.

You shoot one,

you've got to shoot the lot.

Before they takes their exams

and are taught virtue and industry.

Cor! Stone a little colonel, eh?

- It's a fine bridge.

- And it's worth about what? 17,000?

You know what? You are right.

I was beginning to forget

what democracy means.

- It's a wonderful bridge. 23,000.

- That's better.

- 18.

- No, I am risking my life here.

They are shooting people

for not blowing up bridges.

Well, we could build one for 23,000.

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