How Murray Saved Christmas Page #2

---

bruises and contusions.

Doc Holiday

never cured anything.

But you had to admit,

the guy sure loved to sing.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Oy!

Stop. Stop!

This is terrible!

I didn't mean

to frighten you.

It's just a slight

concussion.

I know that you

feel terrible.

The bad news must

be crushin'.

Make sure he gets lots of rest

so there's no repercussions.

I will.

But Christmas

must be canceled.

That's the end of

the discussion.

Christmas must be canceled.

That's the end of

the discussion.

All right.

I ruined Christmas.

I mean, that's not the worst

thing in the world.

Actually, it is.

I've done the worst thing

in the world.

People will forgive me in time.

They'll be able to look back

at this and laugh...

Ha ha...

In say 6 billion, 8 billion years.

So let's review.

I hurt Santa, broke his toys,

ruined Christmas,

and now I'm stuck in a trench.

Help! Help!

Hmm...

Oof!

Where are you going?

What's all the rumpus?

So long, Easter Bunny.

Good-bye, Columbus.

There in the snow

stood the holiday stars,

every last person

in Stinky Cigars.

There were even a few

who weren't so famous,

like Arbor Day Aardvark

and Labor Day Amos.

You all saved my life.

Thanks goodness you came!

But something bad happened,

and I am to blame.

For those who don't know me,

I'm Edison Elf.

And I'm afraid Santa is

not quite himself.

- Hello!

- I'm Queen Hanna of Bananaland.

Bananas for you and you

and especially you.

Yes, your majesty.

Let's get back to the castle.

- Gently, sir.

- Bananas bruise easily.

I'm afraid it's my fault

that he's under the weather.

And there won't be a Christmas

unless we pull together.

It's gonna be tough,

and it's gonna be tricky.

So let us unite and win

one for St. Nicky!

Got lots and lots of problems

and the time is tight.

Got to hand out all those presents

by the end of the night.

We got a whole lot that we

got to achieve.

But you got to believe

on Christmas Eve.

- Oh, you got to believe.

- When?

- On Christmas Eve.

- Exactly.

- Oh, you got to believe.

- What day was that again?

On Christmas Eve.

Well, aren't you guys smart.

Oh, come on.

It's impossible.

When they told the Easter Bunny

that he had to bring those eggs,

he said, "I cannot do it

with my tiny, little legs."

They said, "if you don't do this

then the kids are gonna grieve."

and he said...

"Oh, oh!

I got to believe."

- Oh, you got to believe.

- When?

- On Christmas Eve.

That's right.

- Oh, you got to believe.

- I can't hear you!

- On Christmas Eve.

- I'm still not convinced.

No one believed Columbus

when he said the world was round,

but he went on his great voyage

and America was found.

Whoo!

Now everyone in Texas,

Taiwan, and Tel Aviv, they say

"oh, oh! We got

to believe."

- Tel Aviv?

- It rhymes.

Got to wrap those presents,

got to fix those toys.

Got to make a merry Christmas

for the world's good girls and boys.

It's better to give now

than to receive.

- Oh, you got to believe on Christmas Eve.

- Yeah!

Oh, you got to believe.

You got to believe.

On Christmas Eve,

got to believe.

Yeah, you got to believe.

you gotta, gotta, gotta, ah, gotta,

gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta

on Christmas Eve.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you got

to believe.

When?

- On Christmas Eve.

- Exactly.

- Oh, you got to believe.

What day was that again?

On Christmas Eve.

Everyone pitched in,

except Murray Weiner,

who stood all alone in

the Holiday Diner.

Why was he grouchy?

What was his history?

What was his problem?

The man was a mystery.

Murray's got antisocial,

claustrophobic paranoid neurosis.

Narcissistic, germophobic,

borderline psychosis.

He is in The Guinness Book

for longest diagnosis.

Antisocial, claustrophobic

paranoid neurosis.

What are you doing here?

They... heh heh...

sent me to order dinner.

I am the man

to deliver the toys

to the good pretty girls

and the pretty good boys.

I'll sail east to go west

and west to go east.

The voyage should take me

3 months at the least.

Senor Columbus,

you have one night at best!

Have it your way.

I'll go west to go west.

He asked Easter Bunny

to gift-wrap a truck.

His paws were too small.

He was having no luck.

So he painted and dyed it

in purples and pinks.

On an egg, this looks good.

On a truck? Well, it stinks.

To Byron Bineski,

Fort Crowder, New Jersey,

we send you our love

and this powder blue Jersey.

Wishing you good luck

and gumdrops galore.

Then it goes on

for 5 pages more.

How many gift cards

would you say you've done?

When this card is finished,

I'll be up to one.

- Hey!

- Aah!

Lincoln and

Washington had a big fight.

Honest Abe,

can't you do anything right?

- I'm on the penny.

- I'm on the quarter.

- I'm also much older.

- You're almost much shorter.

Stop it, you guys!

You're behaving like Scrooges.

Then they all started fighting

just like the Three Stooges.

Here. Hold this.

- Woo!

- Woo! Woo! Woo!

Yah, yah, yah!

- Ha ha!

- Uh!

'Twas the night before Christmas

and all was in crisis.

The groundhog had eaten

the "naughty and nice" list.

The April Fool built

a preposterous bike,

and Labor Day Amos

had gone out on strike.

Silent night, holy night!

We will not give up the fight...

Liberte!

Stop all your shouting.

Stop all the noise.

There's no one I trust

to deliver these toys.

Delivery. Lincoln,

here's your hot pastrami.

Washington gets cold salami.

Columbus asked for rigatoni.

St. Pat ordered

fried bologna.

Piece of fish, sirloin steak,

meat knish, carrot cake.

And April Fool...

I don't know why...

Ordered compact discs on rye.

Yum!

- What?

- You're the one!

I'm the what one?

You are the one

to deliver the toys

to 200 countries,

to good girls and boys.

Just put on this red suit

and get in the sleigh.

What are you, cuckoo?

Forget it. No way.

Please.

- No.

- Please?

- No!

- Please?

- No...

- Please...

And so for an hour,

these two kept on going,

with one of them please-ing

and one of them no-ing.

- Please?

- No.

Please?

No! Why in the world should

I schlep through the snow,

bringing millions of presents

to kids I don't know?

Will anyone pay me?

Will anyone tip?

What if I slip

and fracture my hip?

Look at the weather.

It's cold and it's shivery.

There's no way on earth

I will make this delivery.

Bummer.

Murray spent each

Christmas Eve on his own,

remembering days when he

wasn't alone.

You dated her?

Get out of my deli.

Get off of my land.

What part of "no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no"

don't you understand?

I'll tell you the reason

you shouldn't say no.

I just need one minute,

and then I will go.

- One minute?

- 60 seconds.

So what's the reason?

Because it's Christmas.

Lights, please.

Christmas, you know,

is that one special season

when people do good things

without a good reason.

The grouchiest men

will wear musical ties

and buy Christmas presents

for folks they despise.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes