How Murray Saved Christmas Page #3

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The cheapest of cheapskates

will spend all his money,

and people make fruitcakes

from concrete...

And honey.

Tonight think of others

instead of yourself.

Your minute is up,

Mr. Edison Elf.

Libby, mistletoe!

- Ooh!

- Murray!

Ha ha. It's ok.

Merry Christmas, Murray.

- I'll do it.

- Oh, Murray!

No hugs, no hugs,

no hugs, no hugs.

Murray put on the suit.

The belly was baggy.

The shoulders were saggy.

The bottom was draggy.

I'm pretty fat,

but I think Santa's fatter.

The caboose is quite loose,

but I guess it won't matter.

Bravissimo, Murray!

I wish you good luck.

I love what you're doing.

My zipper is stuck.

They hopped in the sleigh

and sped off like a comet.

- What are you doing?

- I'm going to vomit.

I've got one rule,

but, surely, it's basic.

If you go too fast,

I'm gonna get sleigh-sick.

Why don't you drive?

On, Dumbo and Jumbo.

On, Mason and Dixon.

On, Cosmo and Kramer

and Richard M. Nixon.

That wasn't even close.

They made their first stop,

Eddie fearing the worst.

Murray fell down the chimney

and landed head-first.

Ow! Oof.

Not terrible. A little dry.

Eggnog, huh?

I never had it.

Blecch! So that's why

they only drink it once a year.

He didn't come back

till a quarter to 2:00.

Murray! I worried.

What happened to you?

Down by the fireplace,

kids hung up socks.

So I loaded the socks up

with bagels and lox.

Presents.

You're supposed

to bring presents.

Kids don't love lox?

They went to the next house.

It didn't go better.

Murray got bit by

a big Irish setter.

Aah!

He stepped on

a turtle at house number 3.

In house number 4,

he knocked over the tree.

What was that noise?

- Mice.

- Oh.

Wait. Who said that?

Cat.

Oh. Betty Fred,

get my gun.

I've been bit by a dog

and shot by a gun.

I must tell you, shorty,

I'm not having fun.

I'm old and I'm cold,

and this suit doesn't fit.

If the next stop goes badly,

I'll just have to quit.

Edison Elf couldn't blame him.

He tried.

I have faith in you, Murray.

The little elf lied.

Murray jumped down the chimney

and landed so hard...

The thud knocked the snow

off the trees in the yard.

- He got to his feet with a...

- Oof.

- And an...

- Oy.

And he found himself facing

a 6-year-old boy.

Santa Claus!

Santa Claus! Santa Claus!

Where? Oh, right.

You mean me.

Yes, I'm Santa, I swear.

Do your Santa Claus laugh.

Please, please, please, please?

Huh? Sure. Heh heh.

Tee hee.

Hoo. Ha. Oh, boy.

Murray snorted and snickered

and chortled and chuckled.

And as he chuckled,

his belt came unbuckled.

His pants, which were loose,

fell down straight to his knees.

"Murray Weiner" was stitched

on his silk BVDs.

Well, I'm going to jail.

Santa Claus, please.

Would you kindly explain

why you and your underpants

have different names?

Betrayed by his boxers,

let down by his pants,

he knew a good story

would be his best chance.

Don't you know Murray Weiner is

a famous designer?

Calvin Klein may be fine,

but Weiner is finer.

Are you sure you're Santa?

You don't have a beard.

Your suit is all baggy.

You smell kind of weird.

I shaved off the beard.

Mrs. Claus said it tickles.

And I went on a diet...

Club soda and pickles.

That should explain why

I'm beardless and bellyless.

The pickles would also

account for my smelliness.

So there, I've explained.

I've made everything clear.

Now, I should be going.

Wait. Name your reindeer.

- Murray hemmed and he hawed.

- He did not know this stuff.

So he huffed and he puffed

and proceeded to bluff.

There's Bambi and Rambo

and Dopey and Doc,

Scotty and Sulu,

Uhura and Spock.

Murray looked at him hopefully.

How did I do?

You're a big phony fake!

I guess Santa is, too.

Santa's not phony.

I've got the proof.

Come out on the lawn,

look up on the roof.

That's Santa's sleigh

sitting there in the snow.

There are the reindeer

whose names I don't know.

Oh, Santa is real, kid.

It's wrestling that's fake.

And that's when the boy knew

he'd made a mistake.

This wasn't just some smelly

guy in a suit

but an honest to goodness

Saint Nick substitute.

And then the boy smiled.

Murray felt a strange tingle.

He knew for one night that

he could be Kris Kringle.

Ho ho ho!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Aah! Oh!

Murray brought the boy in,

and he patted his head.

And he fixed him a lean

pastrami sandwich with coleslaw

and a triple-thick

chocolate milkshake.

And he sent him to bed.

So tell me, Murray,

do you feel like quitting?

Quitting, quitting?

You got to be kidding.

I love Christmas lights...

the purple and orange,

the yellow and...

Something that rhymes

with orange.

Enough of this talk.

We've got toys to deliver.

We can't sit around

like 2 lumps of chopped liver.

Glibble, globble,

Julian Schnabel.

My suit. My sleigh.

My toys.

My word!

Hello? Sarah,

get me the police!

Officer Bender,

the bender of laws.

- To whom am I speaking?

- My name's Santa Claus.

Weirdo.

You say you're Santa.

I say I doubt it.

If you're really Santa,

then tell me about it.

When you were 2,

I brought you a crib.

When you were 3,

you got a nice bib.

At 4, I gave you

a big Teddy bear.

You were naughty at 5,

so you got underwear.

All right. All right.

What's been stolen?

Eight flying reindeer,

sleigh in the back,

6 billion toys,

and a 50-foot sack.

Any distinguishing

characteristics?

Oy. I'm dealing

with an idiot.

I give you my word

as the public's defender,

I'll track down this rat

and return him to sender.

I'll find this little coward

and put him in jail.

I'm Officer Bender,

and I never fail.

Huh. Where did I put

my keys?

From Nome down to Rome,

from Minsk to Atlanta,

Murray brought presents

as quickly as Santa.

Bah!

Oh, boy.

I'm raring to go.

It's a quarter past 3:00.

Where are you, shorty?

You're sitting on me!

Santa, of course,

didn't know about Murray.

He thought Christmas was stolen,

so he had to hurry.

It's a quarter past 3:00.

I still got a chance.

I just need a sleigh and

some toys and some pants.

He put on red

long johns in place of the suit.

Instead of a cap,

he wore a red boot.

Perfect!

- Sleigh, sleigh?

- Do I have a spare sleigh?

Maybe there's one buried

under this hay.

Ooh. All that I see is

a shovel and rake

and this old garden hose.

No, wait. That's a snake.

Snake! Ah! Ah!

This could work.

I just need to find a giant

toy store

that's open on Christmas

at a quarter to 4:00.

Then Santa Claus

saw a miraculous sight.

In the sky far above was

a star shining bright.

Give me everything

you got in the store!

Don't shoot me.

What are you?

I'm vishin' you...

You're Vishnu?

I'm vishin' you

wouldn't shoot me.

I'm not going to shoot you.

Put down your arms...

All of them.

Two more.

So how can I help you?

- Wrapping paper?

- Aisle one.

- Children's books?

- We have none.

- Any toys?

- Just some knickknacks.

- Christmas candy?

- Only tic tacs.

Ho ho ho.

Comic books, candy bar,

bobbing head dolls for your car,

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