How Murray Saved Christmas Page #4

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playing cards, ballpoint pen, paper clips.

Yeah! Kids love them.

DVD of Mighty Ducks.

That'll be 8,000 bucks.

Dough! Dough! Dough!

Got to bring this garbage

to the little brats.

And nothing's gonna stop me.

Hey!

Glibble...

What's next?

You've been to Albania,

finished Romania, done Transylvania.

That was no fun.

Delivered to China,

North Carolina.

Hey, Murray Weiner, you're finished!

You're done.

Well, that was easy.

Ha ha!

Easy? How did you do it?

You move like a pro.

What is your secret?

We all want to know.

Did you ever Google me?

- What?

- You'd find out...

Everything in, like, 5 seconds.

Use Bing. Use Google.

Use Bingle.

Well, well, well.

What are you looking for?

Murray Weiner.

Bup bup ba boo,

thinkin', thinkin'.

Oh, here you go, pally.

News You Can Use, bringing you

fast-breaking news

from around the globe

just weeks after it happens.

Aah!

August 12th is here,

which can only mean

one thing... Milkman's day.

That's when we pay tribute

to the derring-do

of the dairy man,

who goes door to door each morning,

bringing fresh moo juice.

And it wouldn't be

Milkman's Day

without the annual parade

down Fifth Avenue.

Here come the milkmen.

Bringing milk, bringing cheese,

bringing anything you please.

Cheer for the milkmen.

Hear the drum, here they come

with your daily calcium.

Yum, yum, yum.

And here's the guy

the kids have been waiting for...

Murray the Milkman.

He's the Easter Bunny of butter,

the Kris Kringle of cream.

Murray the Milkman,

he is smooth as silk, man.

Ooh, he gives me shivers.

Ooh, the man delivers.

He's idolized because

he's pasteurized.

He's the man for me,

gives me vitamin "D."

Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray,

Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray.

Sling that cow juice

right to my door.

But pretty soon,

kids could get milk from a store.

They didn't need

milkmen like me anymore.

Milk's just as good

when it comes from a carton.

So my whole holiday

was completely forgotten.

Forgotten.

The parades got much smaller.

And one day, they stopped.

The floats were dismantled.

The balloons were all popped.

My whole happy life

had become a bad dream.

And I became sour

as 3-month old cream.

I gave up my job.

And I gave up my friends.

And I told my true love

not to see me again.

Why did you do that?

Because I was nothing.

I was nothing,

and she was a national treasure.

I put that woman on a pedestal.

I mean,

she was already on a pedestal,

but I put her on a figurative pedestal

on top of the literal pedestal.

Ah! You know

what I mean.

You're not nothing, Murray.

You proved that you're not.

Well, thank you for giving this grump

one last shot.

- Murray smiled. Eddie smiled.

- And the reindeer all smiled.

Tonight you brought presents

to every good child.

- What about the bad kids?

- Who?

Why should we stop?

We have time. We have toys.

Why can't we bring them

to bad girls and boys?

No.

- Please.

- No.

- Please?

- No!

So a kid might be lazy.

He might be a slob.

He drives his folks crazy.

That's kind of his job.

Ed heard what he said,

and he couldn't resist.

They brought toys to the naughty,

a very long list.

Some ice skates for Kate,

who poured glue on mom's chair,

put tacks in dad's slacks,

and then belched the lord's prayer.

A toboggan for Ogden,

who played sick from school

and drove his dad's Pontiac

into the pool.

A Dolly for Molly,

who just for a joke

popped a bag behind grandpa

and gave him a stroke.

Murray brought presents

to all bad and good kids...

The weird and the feared

and the misunderstood kids

and not just to Christians,

he brought gifts to Hindus,

to Buddhists and Muslims,

to fat and to thin Jews.

And people said Christmas

was never so pleasant

as that one special year

when the world got a present.

I'm afraid there's

no presents for us in the sack.

I could give you a hug,

and you could give me one back.

Oh, man!

Freeze!

Dudes can't hug in this town?

You're under arrest

for stealing Christmas.

Officer Bender,

Stinky P.D.

I'm sorry, sir.

I don't have my I.D.

- Driver's license?

- I forgot it.

- Pilot's license?

- Never got it.

- Poetic license?

- I, uh... What?

If you don't have a poetic license,

stop rhyming.

All the poetry in this town

drives me crazy.

It takes me 4 hours

to do paperwork

because I can't find a rhyme

for aggravated assault.

Ugh. So...

You have no I.D.

on you at all.

Wait. I do have this.

See? See?

Dropping trou in front

of a police officer, son.

You just got yourself

in a lot more trouble.

Stolen sleigh.

Driving without a license.

- No car seat for your baby.

- I'm not a baby!

And what happened to the toys?

There were supposed to be

billions of toys in here.

We gave them to good

girls and boys.

And a few really rotten ones.

Wait. Now, hold it.

What's this?

Trying to hide one from me?

- I really wouldn't do that.

- Don't tell me how to do my job.

- I beg you to stop!

- I beg you to shut up.

Yeah. Let the man

do his job.

Aah!

I was wrong.

That's a pretty good invention.

Thank you, Murray.

Glibble?

So how did it go?

I'm glad you asked.

Oy. Not another

musical number.

Don't worry.

It's the finale.

We brought those presents.

We brought those toys.

We brought a merry Christmas

to all the girls and boys.

And some real little stinkers.

Let's hear it

for Murray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Now it's time to play,

it's Christmas day.

- Oh, it's time to play.

- Why?

It's Christmas day.

That's right.

Oh, it's time to play.

Already?

It's Christmas day...

Wait! Wait! Wait!

What about Santa Claus?

Oh. I just checked on Santa.

And he's on the mend.

He's spending Christmas

at home with a friend.

I am Queen Hanna of Bananaland.

No! I am Queen

Hanna of Bananaland.

- No, I am!

- No, I am.

Take it, elves!

oh, we play, play, play, play, play,

play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play.

Oh, we play, play, play, play, play,

play, play, play, play on Christmas day.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah! Yeah!

Whee!

It's too bad Santa

hurt his head.

And we're pretty happy

he's not dead.

But as long as he

is stuck in bed...

Let's play, play, play, play,

play, play, play, play, play.

Easter Bunny is in the house!

Ah-huh-huh.

Christmas with my

honey bunny.

Got to spend some

money-money.

Baby,

won't you buy me bling?

Baby,

here's an 18-karat ring.

Ha ha!

Hip hop!

Your turn, Groundhog.

Oh, no. No, I...

I can't really enjoy Christmas.

I mean,

the whole time I'm thinking,

tomorrow,

Christmas will be over

and then for a minute,

suddenly,

Christmas is 364 days away,

365 during a leap year.

And what?

What's everybody looking at?

My shadow!

I saw my shadow.

You know what that means.

All this snow is gonna go

and things are turning green.

Winter is ending

and spring's on the way.

But till then,

enjoy this Christmas day.

Ok! Murray,

bring it home!

No. I don't like to sing.

Come on. You can do it.

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