How to Be a Serial Killer

---

Fantasy is at the center

of what

a serial killer really is.

You and I might have a bad

thought about a person.

A serial killer will take that

same kernel of an immoral

or illegal impulse

and dwell on it.

That kernel becomes a seed,

and from that seed

grows fantasy.

"Normal people

have healthy fantasies."

Meaning that they can

readily differentiate

between the real

and the unreal.

A serial killer will dwell on

that fantasy until he can

no longer resist the urge

to see it through.

And once he does act

on that initial impulse,

fantasy becomes reality.

Is it hard for you

to get up in the morning?

Has your life lost

a sense of purpose?

Do you feel like giving

up is the only option?

Well, don't despair because

Mike Wilson can help you.

Mike's unique formula has

helped millions of people

get their lives back on track.

People just like you.

Mike's coached major world

leaders, professional athletes,

media celebrities

and top corporate executives.

Now it's your turn.

Once suicidally depressed,

Mike turned his life around

when he decided to

become a serial killer.

Since becoming a serial

killer, Mike's achieved

a level of success

and fulfillment

he never thought possible.

And now he's going to share

his secrets with you in this

amazing life-changing seminar,

"How To Be A Serial Killer."

Mike's simple 10-lesson

program will teach you

everything you need to

know to kill your way

to a better life.

You're going to be better than

Dahmer, you're going to be

better than Bundy,

you're going to be

better than Charles Manson.

You're going to be the killer

everyone's talking about.

If you're not satisfied,

Mike's seminars

come with a 100%

money-back guarantee.

So stop ignoring

the voices in your head,

call the number below

and book your tickets now.

Act fast, because seats are

filling up by the second.

But don't just

take it from me,

here's some of the magic you

can expect at the three-day

How To Be A Serial

Killer seminar.

[applause]

I want to show you how

to appreciate your life.

I want to show you how to leap

out of bed every morning

with a smile on your face!

I want to give you the

ammunition that you need

to go out there and fight

for what you believe in.

I want to help you

find your passion.

I want to show you how I've

changed my life because I know

that what I've discovered will

help you change your life.

I want to share my

secrets with you,

because I know that

what I've discovered

will help you find your

own joie de vivre.

You deserve a great life,

and I'm going to show you

the path to that life.

My name is Mike Wilson...

and today I'm going

to teach you

how to be a serial killer.

Stop ignoring the voices

in your head

and call the number below.

Operators are standing by.

Hello?

[bell rings]

Hi, uh...can I help

you find something?

You guys are 0 for 3

on my girlfriend's list.

Um, yeah, sometimes our

videos are just a little bit

hard to find here 'cause

our classification system

is a little bit weird.

Along Came Polly,

The Breakup, Hitch.

Where would you look

for those movies?

Comedy.

[bell rings]

Genius.

I, I can type them into

the computer, and then,

'cause like sometimes

people misfile the boxes,

and then they

get kind of lost.

Yes, honey...

I'm still at the store.

Yeah, well, I'm moving

as fast as I can.

No.

Well, well sometimes it

takes a f***ing village

to find a video.

What can I say?

B*tch.

What I'm doing is

I'm typing in your titles,

and then if they're in the back

I'll be able to bring them...

Whatever, just work your magic.

My computer's frozen.

No sh*t.

I'm gonna restart it.

It'll take, like, 30 seconds.

[phone rings]

God damn it, Jenny.

What?

Yeah.

No.

I told you they

don't have that.

The f***ing 'tard

they got working here

can't do sh*t.

Yeah.

Fine.

It'll take, like, five seconds.

I'm just gonna look

for something else.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

You're lookin' for a--

are you lookin' for

another slasher film?

No, actually I was

wondering if you had,

"Along Came Polly"?

I, I don't--

I don't think we have

it in the system.

The computer's

all jammed, but--

Dude, I'm f***ing with you.

I overheard that little

sh*t asking for it.

What a f***ing dick.

I used to hate guys like that

when I worked in retail.

Yeah, right.

How about I get

the movies you want,

and I'll go to sleep?

What would

you do to him...

if you could do anything

you wanted to?

Anything and not get caught?

Anything?

I can see those

gears turning.

If you could do

anything you wanted...

Think about it.

I can't even say.

Yeah, you can.

(customer on phone)

Every time we do this.

No, we're not

getting licorice.

F***in' black licorice.

I hate that sh*t anyway.

Nobody's gonna

hear you except me.

And I'm your ally.

If I could do anything

in the world to that guy...

I'd, uh...

I'd go to a hardware

store and, uh...

I'd get a sledgehammer.

Really?

And then smash his head

with the sledgehammer.

Really?

That's creative.

It's a little messy,

but it's creative.

I'm just jokin', you know?

Jokin' around.

I'd, um, I'd just, like,

get a gun and shoot him

in the neck.

Right in the neck.

Is that real?

Yeah, it's f***in' real.

You can't kill someone

with a fake gun.

Unless you bash them

in the head with it.

You mean...

you've iced a guy?

[whispers]

I've always wanted

to kill someone.

And you can.

What do you mean?

If you want to learn,

I can teach you to kill

as many people as you want.

I don't know.

No, I think you do know.

I come in here all the time,

and every time I see you...

I see a guy that's not

happy with his life.

- You can tell that?

- Uh huh.

And I see that there's

a version inside of you

that's just waitin'...

to break out.

You know exactly what I'm

talking about, don't you?

(customer)

What the f***, honey?

No, I'm not

doing this with you.

See, life comes down to a few

short moments when you have

to ask yourself...

am I living up

to my potential?

Am I in it...

to win it?

Sh*t for selection.

What's it gonna be?

Are you in it to win it?

I am in it to win it.

You got a lot to

learn before you can

put your hands on a weapon.

So what do you say?

You wanna go

get this a**hole?

Yeah.

[bell rings]

Let's take the back...

before he gets away.

Hey, dip sh*t.

Hey, you know what's

f***in' hilarious?

Is that you chose to act

like a f***in' a**hole

on your last day on earth.

[gunshot]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You all right?

You still with me?

Guys like this, they take

their lives for granted.

And the thing is,

is that we're all

just so f***in' fragile.

I'm a reminder to these people

that they need to appreciate

their life each and every day.

So you're kind of,

you're kind of doing,

doing people a favor.

You're goddamn right I am.

Looks like we got a live one.

[gunshot]

What do you do

with the body?

Depends.

Is shithead here

a regular customer?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes