How to Be a Serial Killer Page #2

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Yeah?

I got a couple acres out in

the desert with a shack on it.

Your secret hideout?

Yeah, kind of.

Take him out there,

chop him up,

throw some dirt on him -

be on the safe side.

Grab the shell casings,

I'm gonna throw

f***-face in the trunk.

Welcome to your new life.

You follow my lead,

you'll be selling

the blood-soaked clothes

of your victims on eBay.

Listen, I got to run,

call the city,

have this car towed.

Don't touch anything.

Just go back inside.

Should, should I get

your phone number?

No need.

I know where to find you.

I want to make you

a superstar, pal.

So Mike's...

he's taken me on

as his apprentice.

I'm kind of nervous

'cause I'm not, like,

I'm not now nor have

I ever been a star student.

But, you know, they say,

they say you can accomplish,

like, anything if you put

your mind to it.

And.. I've never

really found anything

that I really wanted

to put my mind to.

Serial killing -

I think I could really,

really sink my teeth into that.

Apply myself.

[car horn honks]

- Hello.

- What took you so long?

There was a mad rush

at the video store.

Well, your ice cream's

all melted.

It's all right.

It's still good.

Did you cut

yourself shaving?

No, I don't think so.

That's weird.

Well, you caught me red-handed.

I had a strawberry

sundae at lunch.

Mr. Health Conscious

had a sundae for lunch?

Um, well, yeah, I mean,

I've just been

down a little bit,

and I thought maybe some

ice cream might cheer me up.

Are you feeling down?

A little.

Did something happen today?

No, it's just,

work's stressful.

You want to get

it off your chest?

No, it's no big deal.

Just petty stuff.

You listen to me

go on and on

about the politics

of the shelter.

I mean, I'm happy to listen

if you wanna talk about it.

Thank you.

I'm a pretty lucky guy

to have a girl like you.

And I'm a lucky girl.

Can you, um, hold that?

Mm hmm.

Try not to spill it.

I love Mike.

He's a great guy.

He's smart, he's caring,

he's emotionally intelligent.

And he's cute.

We've been together about

a year, and I think that's

really when people start

to show their true colors.

So the honeymoon is over,

but I'm really happy with him.

Emily Post found her fame

in writing a little book

entitled "Etiquette."

And it remains the authoritative

text on manners today.

Good manners

are very important.

They imply respect for

those in your presence,

and for the world in general.

There is a code of social

ethics and behavior out there,

and serial killing

is no different.

Hey, have you ever...

I've always been

curious, Bart.

But I won't do it.

Temptation surrounds

us in everything we do.

Immediate gratification

cannot be answered

to forsake principals.

Need to be strong

and make choices

that reflect our beliefs.

We gotta stick to our guns.

You said it.

We simply can't do

everything in life

that we'd like to, Bart.

I don't care how

annoying they are,

or how curious you might be,

children are off limits.

Stay away from the mentally

and physically handicapped.

That's cheating.

I've always loved animals

and never would do anything

to hurt our furry

little friends.

Sociopaths kill animals,

real serial killers kill people.

Never rob your victims.

You go down that road

it's tough to get off.

It starts off with a 20,

ends up with a C-note,

and then pretty soon

you're just a petty thief

who happens to kill on the side.

Don't rape.

Don't ever rape.

Rapists are the

scum of the earth.

Love women, respect women.

Find a way to earn their love.

There are over six billion

people in this world,

and it's no secret that

a lot of them deserve to die.

Just think - if I was in

Vienna right around

the turn of the century I might

have done away with Hitler.

You never know what kind of

service you're gonna do

the world by doing somebody in.

Kill people that

are better off dead.

I try to do at least one

selfless thing per day.

If you find yourself

thinking the serial killing

is selfish and you're doing it

just to make yourself happy,

take a trip to an elderly

home and find somebody

who wants to die but can't.

You don't have to

Kevorkify your life,

but you can give back.

Any little gesture

of kindness counts.

Look at this guy.

If you do not sh*t

on the count of three,

Daddy will take you

to the vet tomorrow

and he will have

you put to sleep,

you ungrateful

little c*nt.

Did he just call

his dog a c*nt?

One, two, three.

Okay.

But if you sh*t inside

like you did last night,

Daddy will smack your

ugly little face.

That kind of behavior

simply won't do, Bart.

What are you gonna do?

What time is it?

Uh, 6:
30.

We're gonna

come back tomorrow.

Back in a sec.

Okay.

People don't like being alone.

But when you mix

the manipulative powers

of a sociopath with someone

with dependency disorders,

that's a very easy mix.

And a very highly

dysfunctional union.

Examples of this run the

relationship spectrum

from parent-child to

romantic attachments.

It never ceases to amaze me

what people will tolerate

in order to avoid being alone.

Misery loves company.

Hi.

Yeah, we're here.

Okay, see you in a sec.

Hang on a sec, baby.

You having fun, Bart?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

I can't tell

with you sometimes.

I'm havin' a ton of fun.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Hey, there she is.

Hi.

- Hey, Bart.

- Hi.

We just saw this

little girl in the street,

she looked kind of lost.

So...

Aren't you just

a little cutie?

You guys think you can

do something with her?

Absolutely.

So sweet of you to bring

her all the way out here.

Yeah, no problem.

Where did she get the leash?

Oh, she was just draggin' it

behind her on the street.

Anyway, I got to

get Bart home.

See you there.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Man, what a woman.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, what?

Yeah, nothin'.

Yeah nothin', my ass.

What's on your mind?

Nothing, I, I swear.

Bart, I'm f***in' with you.

I feel the most safe

when I'm with Mike.

Um, 'cause it's like,

it's like kind of having,

like, a pit bull that's

your best friend.

It can talk to you and stuff.

Because I just know no one's

gonna, like, mess with me.

I know that no, like,

gang bangers are gonna

try to mess with me.

And I know, like, other

people aren't gonna try

to mess with me or anything.

'Cause he's there, and he's

like, he knows how to--

He'll mess with them.

And mess with him

in a way that will just,

like, mess them up.

And it's cool 'cause

I feel safe and I know that...

I know that he would

never mess with me...

or hurt me or anything.

Once you've decided to give

serial killing a whirl,

the world becomes your oyster.

Observe your arsenal,

then pick your weapon.

Blunt objects.

Garrote.

Guns.

Poisons.

Drownings.

Assisted suicides.

Hit and runs.

Explosives.

[Tribal call]

Tribal weapons.

Garden tools.

The point I'm trying to get

across here is that there are an

infinite number of ways to

carry out your serial killings.

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