How to Be a Serial Killer Page #3

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I've highlighted a variety

of methods, but what I want

to suggest is that you

start with something easy.

Something you've been using

since you came out of the womb.

Your hands.

[struggling sounds]

[crowd cheering]

Significant others will grow

increasingly suspicious,

but don't let your fears

get the best of you.

They probably just

think it's an affair.

If you want to be a good

little serial killer,

you must constantly keep the

people in your life at bay.

Do nice things for them.

Buy them chocolates, flowers,

take them for a nice dinner.

Make them feel secure in

the relationship, and they'll

never get to the bottom

of what's really going on.

Hey, Tom and Gena broke up.

Really?

Well, that's unfortunate.

I thought those guys

made a good couple.

She's better off.

He was cheating

on her for, like,

four months

with his assistant.

Really?

Can't imagine Tom doing

something like that.

What an a**hole.

Oh, he was a creep.

Last summer at Rachel's luau

I swear I caught him looking

up my skirt when I was

laying on the hammock.

Really?

You should have

said something.

And cause a huge thing?

Why?

What good would it do?

You never know.

Seriously...

Let me know when

stuff like that happens, okay?

Why?

Would you have

defended my honor?

Indeed I would have, m'lady.

Go chop.

So are they selling their

house in Los Feliz?

Well, it's her place.

She kicked him out.

Really?

Where's he going?

Oh, he's at that crappy motel

down the street

from their house.

[chopping more aggressively]

(Abigail)

Christine's having a party

on Saturday night.

You want to go?

Oh, yeah?

Um, I would love to,

but I have plans

with young Bart on Saturday.

You're always with him.

What do you guys do together?

Just hang out.

Can I help you with this?

You don't really

have the eye for it.

I think you better

leave it to me.

You're a cruel woman.

All right, I'll get

back to cooking.

Make it good.

(Dr. Goldberg)

One of the most

terrifying characteristics

of a serial killer

is the multiple faces

that they can wear.

Since serial killers lack a

conscience, feelings such as

guilt, nervousness,

rarely enter into their minds.

And they become

very good liars.

One of the most striking

examples of this was when one

of Jeffrey Dahmer's captives

escaped from his apartment.

He was naked,

he had visible wounds,

and he actually

ran into the police.

Dahmer watched his victim

talking to the police,

he calmly approached them,

he explained that

they were lovers and that

they'd had a quarrel.

He was so calm

and so articulate...

the police actually let him

leave with his victim.

You got your Dahmers,

Zodiac Killers, Son of Sams,

Boston Stranglers,

Jack the Rippers.

But my point is--

Oh, that Aileen Wournos

is one hell of

a serial killer, too.

But they all had

a style, you know?

They found a way to own it.

Ownership of your

work is vital, Bart.

And that's the kind of killer

you need to strive to be.

Go big, find yourself

and express your voice.

You found your voice yet?

What does that mean?

Your style, signature,

your calling card.

I don't know.

Well, you'll know when you do.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You got to make every

killing count, Bart,

'cause you never know which

one's gonna be your last.

The thing you always got to

keep in the back of your head

is that life as we know it

could disappear at any minute.

Until age 30, the majority of

people can legitimately say

they've spent most of

their life in school.

Ages five to 11,

elementary school.

Ages 12 to 14,

junior high school.

Ages 15 to 18, high school.

Ages 19 to 23, college.

And ages 23 to 27, graduate

or professional school.

That's a lot of

classroom time.

And it's laughable when you

think about it because

whatever job you land in

immediately retrains you.

Experience is

the best teacher.

This helpful old adage got me

to thinking of ways to better

convey real-life examples

of what I want you

to get out of all of this.

The only way for you to

start anything is just to

get out there and do it.

You're a blank canvas.

And you need to go out

there and get painted.

Do you want turkey or ham?

Turkey.

Thanks.

What do I owe you?

- Oh, don't worry about it.

- Cheers, I got the next one.

All right, thanks.

It's nice out today, huh?

Beautiful.

How is your day going?

Eh.

Do you hate your job?

I don't really look

at this as my job.

You know, this is just somethin'

I do that pays the bills.

Puts food on the table.

When you were little, what did

you think you were gonna

grow up to be?

I wanted to be

an astronaut, actually.

What happened?

It's very difficult to

become an astronaut, Bart.

There's a lot of math.

Plus, when I was

a kid I had no idea

that serial killing

was even an option.

It's just not something

they cover in Career Day.

Yeah.

Besides...

All work and no play...

Makes Jack a dull boy.

What are you doin' tonight?

Just hangin' out.

Why don't you come over

to the house around nine.

Okay.

If you think

it'll be all right.

I mean...

would that be all right?

Why wouldn't it be?

I kind of get the

feeling like Abigail

doesn't really

like me all that much.

Bart, she thinks you're great.

Stop being so insecure.

She's not getting suspicious?

Of what?

Of what we're doing?

No...

No, not at all.

Okay.

Why would you ask that?

I'm just, I'm just like

trying to, I don't...

I don't really think it,

I'm just tryin' to,

I'm tryin' to think it, like,

two steps ahead, like a, like

everything like a chess game.

So I was just-- I'm probably

just being paranoid.

Don't worry about it.

She's fine.

I hate to cut this short,

but I got to get back.

I've got a lot of

calls to make, so.

Yeah.

We'll see you at nine.

Nine o'clock, at your house.

Okay, buddy.

Thanks again for the sandwich.

Thanks for all the knowledge.

I don't know how you

know when you're ready.

I think it's sort of...

I think it's probably,

like, how Mike says.

I think you just

feel it in your gut.

And then you go with it.

Baker is such

a f***ing f*ggot.

I mean, could you

believe this f***ing guy?

What a dildo!

Always complaining

about Baker, Zach.

D*ckhead Baker, f*ggot Baker.

Your point?

Who gives a sh*t if

the guy's a prick.

Me, you f***ing dildo.

Well, you hate

the guy so much,

why don't you do

somethin' about it?

Like what?

Well, you could slash

his f***in' throat.

Like what, Mike?

You can start by

slashing his tires.

He drives a black import,

parks on the first floor

right by the elevator.

Thanks, man.

I'll do that sh*t right now.

You want to roll with?

Rain check.

Got a lunch date.

Go get him, tiger.

Slap it in with the palm.

Release.

Angle, slap, release.

Give it a try.

Good.

Release.

Do it with your thumb -

the same thumb.

Yeah, 'cause you

got to reload quick.

Good.

Oh, that's so cool.

Mike, does Abigail

know about this?

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