How to Be a Serial Killer Page #4

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About what? The gun?

No, about, like, everything.

No.

Do you think she'd understand?

I don't know.

But I'd like to

think she would.

I know for a fact she'd tell

you I'd become a better person

since I started killing though.

You need to press down

with your thumb

before you load the bullet.

It makes it a lot easier.

Good.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Cool.

What happens if she finds out?

She can't find out, Bart.

It's not an option.

I'm a trailblazer here, Bart.

Trailblazers are

typically persecuted

before they're embraced

by the mainstream.

Sh*t, look at Gandhi.

Yeah, he starved himself?

Then they shot him.

You don't think I'm smart

enough to keep this from her?

Is that it?

That's not what I'm sayin'.

I'm just sayin',

like, what if?

You can't be

a doubting Thomas

if you want to be

a serial killer.

I'm not a doubting Thomas.

[click, click]

Don't let negative thoughts

into your head.

[Abigail]

Guys?

Hey.

You guys want

anything to drink?

Oh, I'm good.

Bart?

I'm good.

Well, just shout if you do.

Thanks, baby.

I'm gonna watch TV.

Thank you.

[whispering]

I'm not a doubting Thomas.

I know you're not

a doubting Thomas.

The truth is, I don't know

what she'd do if she found out.

Do you want to be a winner?

Do you want to be successful?

Of course you do;

Who wouldn't?

Well, here's the

key to my success:

Perseverance and discipline.

Good old P&D!

Perseverance and discipline

are the two qualities every

successful serial killer

must apply to his work

routine every single day.

And when the going gets tough,

that's when you need to

pull the trigger on good old

perseverance and discipline.

Ten million people

in this town,

you think it would be easier

to find someone to kill.

Should we call it a day?

Call it a day?

What are you?

A f***in' quitter, Bart?

I'm not a quitter.

I was just thinking, you know.

Not thinkin' like

a serial killer, you're not.

Serial killers keep on

keepin' on, you got that?

I understand.

I believe in you, Bart.

You got what it takes, but you

got to want it bad enough

to go out there and get it.

No, I do want it.

I'll just keep on--

You say that,

but I don't see it.

Judge me not by what

I say, by what I do.

I was just sayin'--.

Just f***in' shut up.

All right.

No, no, no, no.

You stay in the car.

- Why?

- You know why, Bart.

I want you to think about your

attempt to quit earlier.

I'm sorry, I--

Sorry is a word.

No, I mean it, I mean it.

Show me you mean it

through action.

How?

Why don't you find

us a good victim.

Okay.

Take your time, Bart.

Remember, it's got

to come from here.

Your gut.

Don't force it.

You tell me.

Him?

Is he a good victim?

Um...

Um...

Yes or no.

Yes, yeah.

He's a good victim.

Why?

Well, he just littered.

Got a thing

for litterbugs, do you?

It's pretty obvious...

he's not working.

He's like a drain

on taxpayers.

So you got a big

tax liability, do you?

No.

No, neither do I.

Well, they're lazy and they're

disgusting and they...

they smell bad and

they're always, like,

you'll be sittin' there at

a restaurant tryin' to eat

and they'll come up to you,

and they'll be...

And then if you're...

in your car

it's the worst,

'cause you're...

you're at a stoplight and

they're starin' at you,

like makin' you feel guilty,

makin' you feel bad

for not giving them money.

But they don't even work;

they don't do anything.

They hang out

at the beach all day

while you're doing

anything at all,

but not doing that.

It's f***ing disgusting.

That man right there Bart's

not a victim for us...

He's a victim of society.

We need to show the

less fortunate compassion.

I'm sorry, I--

No, no. Not sorry.

Remember?

Action.

Not words.

Fifty cents?

Holy sh*t!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

It's been 11 hours, Bart.

Really?

Here's a little pearl for you...

Whenever it gets hard,

that's when you know

you're on the right path.

Whatever it takes

to get it done.

Whatever it takes.

Serial killers

know no boundaries.

They talk about principles,

they talk about strong beliefs -

ethics, if you will.

There is one simple truth

about serial killers:

They will do whatever it takes

to feel the satisfaction

of acting out their fantasies.

And they will eliminate

anything that gets in their way.

You know what I f***in' hate?

Hmm?

Tailgaters.

Look at this f***ing a**hole.

He's really ridin' your ass.

Could he be any f***in'

closer to my car?

You're in my f***ing ass!

The guy's pretty big.

He's all, like,

on steroids or something.

I know. Watch...

Little tap on the brakes.

There you go.

There you go.

Oh, is that

slowing you down?

Is that f***in'

slowin' you down?

Oh, the high beams.

F*** you!

Hold the f***ing wheel,

hold the wheel.

F*** you!

[horn honking]

You know what's

f***ing awesome?

This a**hole has no idea what

he's gonna get himself into.

You never know about people.

You just never know

who's gonna have a gun

in their glove compartment.

Do you...have a gun

in your glove compartment?

No.

Bart, what kind of serial

killer would I be

if I didn't have gun

in my glove compartment?

Oh, this is good.

This is really f***ing good.

Thank you, baby Jesus!

All right, let's--

Right over here, b*tch!

Right the f*** over here!

I think he just

called you a f*ggot.

He's mouthing the

word f*ggot at you.

Here we go.

Let's do this.

[gunshots]

Did you f***ing see that?

[tires squeal]

That was a great

day today, Bart.

Oh, yeah.

All right,

we'll see you tomorrow.

All right, bye.

You gotta lighten up, Bart.

You gotta learn to trust me.

Oh, I do.

It doesn't seem like

you do sometimes.

But I do.

Okay, okay.

See?

I trust you.

Oh, I know.

I mean, I have to, right?

You can get me

into a lot of trouble.

I wouldn't do that.

No, but you could though.

I wouldn't though.

I know you wouldn't,

but you could.

Just sayin'.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I probably could get

you in some trouble.

Yeah.

I'd get to you...

before they got to me.

You know that, don't you?

You don't even

have to say that.

I don't even know

why you're sayin' that.

I'm f***in' with you.

Bart, I would not do

anything to hurt you, ever.

You're my protg.

You're like my offspring.

Are you pleased with what

you're learning so far?

Absolutely.

Good.

This is a very

unique opportunity.

Oh, I know, I know.

All right.

You drive safe, okay?

Didn't flinch, didn't flinch.

I'm very excited about

what I'm learning.

It's been, like, sort

of tough at first,

but now I'm really gettin' to,

like, the learning part.

And it's so much fun.

And Mike's, like,

a really good teacher.

I'm learning

a lot from him.

I'm going to go ahead and

assume that we've all wanted

to pull the trigger on behavior

that's illegal or immoral.

Haven't you ever fantasized

about pushing someone

into oncoming traffic,

or in front of a train?

Or off a building?

You know you have.

And it's only when we start

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