How to Be a Serial Killer Page #5

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to act in accordance

with our core desires that we

are truly free to be ourselves.

We have to be in touch

with our inner emotions.

And obey them.

[giggling]

Oh, that's funny.

You don't have to pretend

to like it, sweetie.

I'm just not into

television humor.

Where are you going?

I'm just gonna

grab my jacket.

I thought we were

hanging out tonight?

Bart's been kind of down,

so I'm gonna

just take him out for a couple

of beers to cheer him up.

Oh.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothin'.

Where are you going tonight?

Um, I don't know yet.

I don't know where we'll go.

I gotta go though.

Love you.

Do you love me?

No.

No?

Fell out of love with me?

That's kind of mean,

don't you think?

[both giggling]

[doorbell]

Hang on a second!

You're the woman of my

dreams - you know that?

I know.

I'm glad Mike

has a social life.

I know he needs it.

But lately he goes out

almost every night.

Most of the time

it doesn't bother me.

But sometimes

it really bothers me.

Look at how f***ing

cool this thing is.

I love that.

Feel how light that is.

It is light.

I know.

Wow.

Guess how much it was.

Like a thousand dollars?

Eighty!

Wow.

Is that bad for it

when you do that?

No.

That's fine as long as you

use your shirt or something.

Just don't use a paper towel.

- Eighty bucks.

- That's good.

You amortize that

over five years,

that's pennies a killing.

It pays for itself.

Looks cool too.

How's that?

Hold on, let me...

That's cool.

Good.

Just put that down

the back of the jacket for me.

Yeah...

I was getting ready too.

Stay put.

I'm gonna give

the lesson of the day.

All right.

Good luck.

[muffled screams]

[gagging]

Hey, Mike.

Aren't you worried when they

scream that someone will,

like, call the cops

or the police,

or come out and see

you or something?

Yeah.

But you gotta realize, Bart,

that most people aren't gonna

call the police

on the assumption

that somebody else

is going to.

Besides...the cops

are f***in' slow -

especially in big

markets like Los Angeles.

When was the last time

you called the police?

Like a year ago.

Why'd you call them?

There was this,

uh, there was a mugging

outside my building.

How long did it take

for them to get there?

An hour.

And while the cops

were busy responding,

how many other people you

think could have been

assaulted during that time?

A lot.

So being good at

serial killing is about

successful risk management,

and risk mitigation.

Good idea.

The identities of serial

killers are often obscure

because they have no

connection with their victim.

So they're propelled

into this double life.

A life in which they openly

interact with society,

and then a secretive life.

And even though they

have a double life,

they are drawn more and more

into that secretive life.

It's like a drug addict.

He takes more and more

of a given substance until

eventually he takes

too much and he overdoses.

The overdose here

happens when these two...

these two lives intersect.

From time immemorial the

majority of serial killers

have presented a major

problems for detectives

for one reason alone.

Their victims are complete

and total strangers.

If there is no immediate

connection between you

and your subject,

there's a very good chance

you can get away with murder.

The best victim is the one

you've never met before.

You start killing

people you know,

you're headed down

a dark road.

What's goin' on, man?

You all right?

Abigail found the safe.

Oh, sh*t.

Did she call the cops?

No.

Where is she?

She f***in'

found everything, Bart.

I tried to explain...

I tried to explain it to her

but she wouldn't listen.

She kept trying

to call the police.

I couldn't let her do that.

Did anybody see you come in?

No.

Well, she screamed so somebody

must have called the cops.

We gotta get her out of here.

If somebody called the cops

we have to get out of here

because they'd be

here any minute.

We have to get her

out of here, okay?

And you need to help me

clean up that kitchen.

I don't think I can do that.

I can't do this, Bart.

I can't do this.

You have to help me do this.

You have to help me.

Okay?

Yeah.

I wrapped her up.

We need to get her into the

car and get out of here now.

You okay?

We'll get you cleaned up and

get you into these clothes.

Shouldn't we be

doing this at night?

No time.

I'm losin' her.

You got it?

Yeah.

[car approaches]

What the f***?

(man)

Mike?

Hey!

No, we're just--

a friend of mine's

havin' a bachelor party.

[gunshots]

Come on. We gotta move.

(man #2)

Hey... Aw, sh*t!

[gunshots]

Don't leave me, Mike!

[gunshot]

Mike.

Hey, Jake?

Jake, it's Mike.

There's a guy

with a gun out here.

Please let me in.

Come on, man.

[gunshots]

We can't fit four

bodies in this trunk.

Exactly how f***ed

are we right now?

Pretty f***ed, Bart.

How f***ed?

Pretty f***ed.

But I mean, like,

like big-time f***ed?

Like super f***ed?

Could you just stop

for a second?

Electric-chair f***ed?

Like how f***ed?

Death f***ed?

Are you all right?

You know how I met Abigail?

At a dinner party.

I was drunk as hell

on a mixture

of champagne and tequila -

which I don't recommend.

But, uh, I was instantly

enamored with her.

It's the easiest conversation

I've ever had in my life.

I ended up kissing her

for the first time

on the corner of

Santa Monica and Melrose.

I was tryin' to get her

to come home with me.

I f***ing tried...

But she wouldn't go for it.

We ended up walking around

the neighborhood for a bit,

and the Jacaranda trees

were just full bloom -

the whole f***in'

street was purple.

I ended up falling

in love with her that night.

Have you ever

been in love, Bart?

Yeah, I think so.

There, um...

At my store

there was this girl

that used to

come in all the time.

And, um, she'd, like,

she wasn't, like, really,

like, 'stop you

in your tracks' pretty.

But she had, she had, like,

a lot of freckles, and I,

I like really like girls

with freckles.

And I didn't really

talk to her, but we'd always,

like, smile, and she'd always

rent that movie "Powder",

the one with the albino kid.

And she'd always rent it.

Like, on Fridays.

I have no idea

why she'd always

rent that movie.

But it made me always

think about her and I was

always, like, asking myself -

what I would say to her?

Did you ever talk to her?

It was more...it was

kind of like beyond that.

I mean, I didn't talk to her.

I don't think that's love,

but I mean, it's a start.

You'll know when you

fall in love, man.

It's like finding

your voice.

I'm gonna wish that for you.

Thank you.

I want to start off by saying

the last thing you want

to get mixed up in

is getting rid of bodies.

It's dangerous,

time consuming,

and if your stomach's weak

it can really be nauseating.

Always remember -

if there's no body...

there's no murder.

Fingerprints will get

you just like teeth will.

I've heard of slicing them

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