How to Be Single

1

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

ALICE:
There is

a right way to be single.

Hey. How are you?

(CHUCKLES) Hi.

Oh, when's your wedding?

Eighteen months after

I meet the right guy.

Okay.

ALICE:
And a wrong way

to be single.

And then there's this guy.

(PHONE RINGING)

Good morning.

Hi. You want a hand with that?

ALICE:
We're embarrassed

to admit we're single,

and try to pretend

that we're not.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (SNORING)

NURSE:
We need you

in Exam Room 3.

ALICE:
We're supposed

to act all cheerful

and happy about it.

What?

But why should we

be embarrassed?

We're living longer,

marrying later,

and refusing

to leave the party

before we're really,

really done.

So, why do we always tell our

stories through relationships?

Where's home?

Oh, I'm not going home.

No way.

(CLATTERS)

Sh*t.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

(SING-SONG VOICE) Oh, my God.

Here, here.

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

I gotcha. Here you go.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I did not think this through.

(LAUGHING)

(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

I'm Josh.

I'm Alice.

ALICE:
But this story

isn't about relationships.

It's about all those

times in between

when maybe, just maybe,

our real life is happening.

This isn't a break-up. Okay?

We're just taking

some time apart.

It's temporary. Like, it's...

You know, it's like a break.

Bullshit!

(SIGHS) Josh, I've never

been on my own.

I went from living

with my parents,

to living in a dorm,

to living with you.

But we're happy, Alice.

Are we? Yeah.

Or are we just boring?

I'm not boring.

I'm f***ing fun.

I say I'm gonna

do things all the time,

and I never, ever do them.

Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,

or take a self-defense class

or I'm gonna hike

the Grand Canyon,

and I never, ever do it.

That's not my fault.

You said the boots

made your feet hurt.

Look, if we really want

this to work long term,

I need to know who I am alone

and I don't want to spend my

life wondering "What if?"

This is stupid.

The minute you walk out of here

you're gonna realize

how much sh*t I do for you

and how great I am

and how much you need me,

and you're gonna

start stalking me.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

And that's sad.

(EXHALES)

This is gonna be

great for both of us.

Yeah.

We need to know what it's like

to be single, at least once.

Can't you just f***

one of my friends?

(CHUCKLES)

Just do something

to make me hate you.

This is gonna be

the right thing.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna miss your b*obs.

(CHUCKLES)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Does this make it work?

(BEEPS)

Yes! Yes.

There, good. Good.

No. No, no.

(GASPS) Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!

MAN:
Whoa! Whoa!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS)

Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What the hell

are you doing here?

I'm cooking you breakfast!

No, okay. I don't do breakfast.

Right? You need to get out!

You're in my apartment!

Put the...

This is not my apartment.

F***. Sorry.

I might be a little drunk.

Oh.

I might actually wipe

my fingerprints off that.

You were great last night.

Was I?

(WHISPERS) I can't remember.

MEG:
Okay, let's go to

your happy place.

What if I poop?

I won't even notice. Oh, God.

It's totally natural.

Women have been doing this

for thousands of years, okay?

How many babies have you had?

(WOMAN PANTING)

Well, I've delivered

about 3,000 of them.

Didn't you want one?

You know what?

I just felt like society

doesn't let you

pursue your dreams

once you have children.

And I didn't feel like

I wanted to give up my identity

to be a slave to some

tiny little love-terrorist.

Plus, your body falls to sh*t,

and you have

no time to exercise

and forget about sleep for

the rest of your life, right?

Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,

no, no, no. You can do it!

No, I can't.

My body went to sh*t.

My body went to sh*t. It did.

(CRYING) And my vagina's

so loose, already!

Let's push! Okay.

MEG:
Yay!

(SCREAMING)

Is that poop or a baby?

It's not a baby.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Robin? This is Alice,

our new paralegal.

Will you give her

the tour, please?

Yes, of course.

Thank you. (SIGHS)

Hi, I'm Alice.

Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

Yeah. Oh, sorry, my hands

are a little bit creamy.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay. All right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Welcome to the law firm

of some guy,

some other guy,

and some Jewish guy.

Just kidding.

They're all Jewish.

I'm really excited to be here.

This was actually

one of my top choices.

That closet there,

is really good

for making personal calls.

But whatever you do, do not

hook up in this copy room.

One, it's just,

like, so cliche.

And two, there's

a security camera.

Oh, I'm not really hooking up

with anybody right now

because recently, I actually...

Uh, yeah, I know

what you're thinking.

They do record the footage.

So, unless a leaked sex tape

is part of your two-year plan,

(SWALLOWS) I'd recommend

hooking up in the...

(INAUDIBLE)

You'll never know our secrets.

You'll never know!

Whoo!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS DERISIVELY)

Excuse me.

That's none of your business.

You're kind of making it

my business, here.

Look, I just moved in

upstairs and my Wi-Fi sucks.

So, if I have to listen

to every drunk a**hole

stumble out of here

at 5:
00 a.m.,

I'm at least gonna use

your free Internet.

Wow. Okay, hi. Um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Tom. And... Hi.

If you're gonna be

using my free Wi-Fi,

at least you can do me a favor

and not write sh*t like,

"I want to wake up

with my best friend."

Unless you want

my dick to fall off.

And then maybe we could

become best friends,

and that'd be awesome.

Look, I spent half of last

year creating an algorithm

that trolls dating apps

for the best candidates

and downloads them

into an Excel spreadsheet.

So, I know

what I'm looking for.

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

What are you

really doing online?

I mean, you're a pretty girl.

This is New York City.

There's like a billion

people outside that door.

Yeah, but how many

eligible people?

Here. Okay, there are eight

million people in this city.

Sounds like a lot, right?

It does.

But, half of them are women.

And as hard as

I tried in college,

I don't swing that way.

How hard did you try?

Let it go.

Okay.

So, four million men.

And then you got to

have some age limits.

Let's say over 20.

Gotta keep it legal.

Under 40. Keep it sexy.

Now, it's a million.

Right. We're talking

about a million guys.

But half of them are married.

10 percent are gay.

I want someone

college educated.

Not too ugly.

So...

There's your boyfriend.

I wish.

He's got to be

taller than me...

(CHUCKLES)

And he's got to want kids.

So, yeah, I'm on 10 different

dating websites to

increase my odds.

So, what do you say?

You let me treat this bar

like it's my living room

and I won't call the cops every

night with a noise complaint.

Okay. Very cute.

These are the women?

Hmm.

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