How to Be Single Page #2

Thanks.

Mmm. Mmm.

See you around.

Stupid.

Um, have a nice night.

Wait. What?

Where are you going?

I'm going home.

What?

I never want to

hear you say that again.

Ugh!

You're single now, okay?

You do not go home!

You shouldn't even have a home.

You should just

have 500 square feet

where you keep some clothes

and occasionally bathe.

Well, okay, technically,

I'm not, like, single.

We're just on a break.

Uh, there's no such thing as

a "break," Season-3 Ross.

No, we really are on a break.

We're just taking

a little bit of time apart

to make sure we really

want to be together.

Oh, so you're on some

kind of sexual rumspringa?

No.

Why didn't you say anything?

I could've made you

take a half-day!

It was my first day at work.

Rumspringa!

What? No! Where

are we going? (LAUGHS)

Ask me for a rum and Coke

if you think you're gonna die.

Get out of here!

Uh,

you said on your profile

you're a big dreamer.

You know, please. (CHUCKLES)

No, no, I think I want

what everybody wants.

Cross off some things

on the bucket list.

So, what is on

your bucket list?

Usual stuff.

Uh, Wrigley Fields. Mmm.

Dolphin Trainer. Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

Loved, since forever.

Wow, no, no, you know,

because the normal ones

are already checked off,

you know?

Mmm-hmm. Hot Carl.

Dirty Sanchez. Yeah, that's...

Golden Shower. That one, Oh.

I actually checked off

by accident.

Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)

So, these aren't career

goals or life goals.

These are more sexual things.

Have you ever heard

of the Whack-a-Mole?

Rum and Coke.

Rum and Coke? Really?

I didn't think you'd want to do

a Rum and Coke with

me on our first date.

Um, rum and Coke?

I got to find a live hamster.

So, I guess I could

trap a street rat.

I mean, we are in New York.

Rum and Coke!

I got to go shave my legs.

Drink more water.

Oh. Okay.

Yo.

Go lock yourself in my office.

Thank you.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we go.

Let me teach you

how to be single.

Okay, lesson one.

Go get us some drinks.

Okay.

No. That was a trick.

You don't buy the drinks.

Boys buy the drinks.

It's kind of like a sexual

currency that they use,

so they're not actually

paying you to hook up.

So, go get us a drink.

Okay.

Not... Not with this wallet.

Okay. With the sausage wallet.

Which of you is

buying oil right now?

Do you know how much...

Hey, what's up, y'all?

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know why

I just said "y'all."

"You all" would have

taken just as much time.

And I'm not even

from the South,

I'm from Portland.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Which is southern from Canada.

Are y'all Canadian?

I just did it again,

I said it again.

My system should have

weeded him out.

You probably read

your data wrong.

I bet that guy told you

exactly who he was.

You just didn't

want to hear it.

I tell the truth

to girls all the time.

They hear what

they want to hear.

That sounds like

a load of crap.

(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

I'm not kidding. Watch this.

Hey, sweetheart. Hey.

Hi.

Hey, uh, you know we're only

sleeping together for fun, right?

Because I'm not interested

in long-term relationships,

so I think I'm gonna

start seeing other people

and I think you

should move on, too.

Because I care about you,

and I don't want

to see you get hurt.

Oh, I care about you, too.

Yeah. Hmm.

Wow.

You guys are super

dressed-up. Funeral?

Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

That was a really bad idea.

This is stupid. I should

probably just go home.

It's better.

No, are you kidding?

You have a small window

in which to bang your way

through New York City.

No, Josh and I didn't break up

so I could see other people.

I'm trying to

figure out who I am.

Then why don't you take this,

go home and

stare at your beave?

Look, I'm just gonna

choose for you. All right?

Um... (GASPS) I know.

I would like to see your tongue

in that bartender's face.

ALICE:
What?

ROBIN:
Don't worry,

I know him.

He's like a palate cleanser.

He's sexual sorbet.

That guy?

Yeah. I've heard

he's really good in bed.

From myself, because

I might have slept with him.

I can't really remember.

Maybe, uh... It was winter.

Maybe I just used his dick

as a scarf. Let's go.

What?

Hey, Tom.

This is Alice.

She's newly single and needs to

hook up with a random stranger.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Let me buy you a drink.

Here you go.

Thanks. Uh, thanks.

Let me buy you a drink.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome to the party.

Umm, cheers.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Whoo!

Come on! Yeah! Ha!

Hi! Yeah!

Hey. Hi.

Whoa! Whoa!

She just hit you in the face!

Oh! Rumspringa!

(GROANS)

MEG:
Morning, sunshine.

No.

No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)

Oh, my God.

Wakey-wakey.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

A doctor? (MEG SCREAMS)

Did I have sex with

a doctor? Did we have sex?

No. No?

No, we didn't have sex.

I didn't sleep with anybody?

No, I don't think so.

Why does it smell

like weed in here?

You have a little...

What? It's in your hair now.

It's just right...

What? It...

No, I just have long eyelashes.

It's a...

You have a joint clinging...

Oh.

Yay! Free coffee!

Uh, take two Tylenol, and

make yourself some breakfast.

ALICE:
I love you.

Love, love you.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(CHUCKLES) Your roommate

seems pretty cool.

Oh, she's my sister.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Uh, then I think I might have

pissed in your sister's litter box.

That's a Zen garden.

The cat has a Zen garden?

ALICE:
There's no cat.

(MAN GROANS)

Where am I?

I knew I had sex

in this apartment!

Oh, yeah. What's up?

Okay, where are we?

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Um, Broadway and 77th. Um...

We have to be

at work in 30 minutes,

so we should

probably go this way.

It's okay, I can do this in 20.

Wait, do what? Let's go.

Wait, do what? Time me!

Step one.

That stuff is for babies.

Babies with hangovers.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS)

Baba, are we good?

Payment accepted. Let's go.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hi!

Yeah, hi. I'm really interested

in buying a lot of

your products, but first,

I need you to put

all of them on my face,

in a very nice way, for free.

I'm gonna need a full face,

with a side of "Wow."

Okay.

Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

Here. Come on. Gimme.

(HAIR DRYER HISSING)

Nailed it.

You're three-and-a-half

hours late.

MEG:
Yay! Lunchtime!

And don't worry

about the weight.

It should come off after

you stop nursing the infant.

"Katie." That's her name.

Oh, okay.

Oh, no. I have to pee.

(KATIE CRYING)

It just falls out

of me these days.

Can you hold...

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not good with babies.

Hello. How are you today?

Your mom should be

coming back soon.

Is, um, "Katie"

short for "Katherine"?

See, some women would look at

what you just did and

think that you smiled.

But, because I'm a doctor,

I know that that was probably

just an involuntary

tic, or gas.

You know what?

(WHISPERS)

You're not that cute,

and I am not falling for it.

So, you just keep trying,

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