How to Be Single Page #3

but it is "no."

(LAUGHS)

(GURGLES) Shut up, baby.

And, you know what?

Don't touch that,

because that's

not very sanitary.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Germs are little bugs,

like little microbes

that get into your mouth,

and they make you sick.

(COOING)

So, you eat your shoe.

(KISSING)

(GASPS)

You are not winning me over.

No, you're not.

Why do you put

everything in your mouth?

Hello. Hi.

MEG:
And so we're clear,

there are a lot of people

in this world

who need things

like you in their lives,

to feel complete.

I am not one of them.

I am fine without you.

Fine. You win.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

If Tom texts you, which he won't,

because it's still daylight,

wait four hours to respond.

(SCOFFS) I was not even

thinking about Tom.

Anything sooner implies that

you're needy and

really co-dependent

and incapable of

a simple hookup,

which is all he's good for.

I think that I could

actually be, like, a good...

And, when you respond, do not

respond in full sentences.

Okay.

And if you use an emoji,

I will f***ing tit-punch you.

Fine.

Fine.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.

You can have this back

at the end of the day.

Fine.

An emoji?

(GASPS) Oh! Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH PANTING)

This is so dumb. Okay.

It's not like I don't know

you're bad for me.

Sure.

And I'm not gonna be

one of those cliched girls

who thinks I can, like,

change you, or something.

No, you can't. No.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) I'm telling you.

Sex? It's the best way

to find out what you want.

Think about it, the whole

love thing, the whole,

"I just want a guy

to notice when I'm cold."

It's nice when a guy notices

when you're cold.

It means he's...

It means he's faking it, because he

knows that's what you want to hear.

So, instead of being

a psycho who pretends

that I give a sh*t

if you're cold,

I tell everyone the same thing.

"If you're looking for

the one, that's not me.

"If you're looking for the one"

"to have a little fun with,

I'm that one."

Oh.

Yep. (SIGHS)

Whew!

I've always been

in relationships.

But, I guess that's just

because I actually

don't really know

how to stay single.

Then you came

to the right place.

The trick is to love them,

but get them to leave you.

That way, nobody gets hurt.

Check this out.

What do all these things

have in common? Go.

Um, ketchup and beer.

Pickles, chocolate sauce.

Are you pregnant?

No, they can't be used

to make breakfast.

There's no reason to

stick around in the morning,

because you can't

make an omelet.

Plus, no water.

So, hungover chicks,

you got to leave to survive.

Except for that New York

water is delicious

and you can just

drink it from the tap.

Yeah. But, uh...

From what glass?

Wow.

You're a piece of work.

Mmm-hmm.

Glass.

Okay, MacGyver, no woman's

gotten this far, but, um...

You had a plumber

cut your water?

No. I did it myself.

What if you need

to wash your hands?

What am I, a surgeon?

What if you get thirsty?

(TOM SIGHS)

Nice. Well done. Yeah, right?

Totally thought it was

a nightstand, didn't you?

You're a psycho.

I'm not a psycho.

Look, most guys are like me,

they're just

not honest about it.

I'm telling you, this is

what it's like out there.

Why are you telling me this?

(DOOR RATTLES)

I don't know.

It's just, you're different.

Oh, my God. That's the

thing you say to girls.

Yes, it is.

Works, though, right?

Completely.

Anyway, end of the tour.

And, um, this was fun.

(CLEARS THROAT) See you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hi. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(JOSH GRUNTS)

Uh, mimosa?

Uh, no, I'm actually

on my way to a meeting.

So, I'm probably

not gonna start drinking

at 8:
30 on a Thursday.

Yeah, no, I didn't...

I don't want one, either.

Um, I got us

chocolate chip pancakes

for the table, like we used to.

(CHUCKLES) Um, cool. I don't

have a lot of time, so...

Okay, no, then

I'll just get right to it.

I'm done. I'm,

I'm finally done.

What? What are you done with?

With our time apart.

I know it's been

really difficult.

It's been difficult

on both of us.

But, I'm finally ready

for us to be together.

And I'll never have to

wonder about anything else.

I'm seeing someone.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

That is... Congratulations.

ALICE:
Um...

So, then, so, Josh,

you want to just,

like, tell me when

you're done, then?

I don't know, Alice.

Like, we can... We'll just

wait till you're done.

Sh*t's different, I'm not...

I'm not sure I want

the same things anymore.

(CHUCKLES)

You mean, like, me?

I didn't need an experiment

to know that I loved you.

And I'm not an idiot.

You're, I guess, done with

whatever you've been doing,

with whoever you've been doing,

and you can come

running back to me?

No, thanks. I'll pass.

WAITER:
Who ordered pancakes?

ALICE:
Meg, I'm not ready

to be alone. I'm not.

I don't know how

to reset my router.

I don't even know where it is.

I don't even really know

what, exactly, it does.

I'm gonna be alone forever.

(SWALLOWS) At least

my dead body

will serve as food for my cats.

In the eight weeks that it takes for anybody

to find me, because nobody gives a f***.

Why are you

watching Bridget Jones?

(SNIFFLING)

What did I tell you?

It feels good in the moment.

I know, but it's a bad idea.

You get yourself all hopped up

on Sex and the City

and Bridget Jones

and thinking that you need to

have some big single experience.

Which, by the way,

is total bullshit.

No. All those girls ever did

was look for boyfriends.

And this is a great thing,

because now you can

focus on your career.

What? No! I put myself

out, into the world,

and it completely rejected me.

(CORK POPS) Whoa!

Okay, you haven't been

single for that long!

Yeah.

You got to go around the board,

pass "Go," collect 200 d*cks.

MEG:
And you remember

the best thing that

ever happened to me

was when I was thinking about

quitting medical school.

Please don't tell

the medical school story.

And then, my piece of sh*t

boyfriend, Bobby,

cheated on me

with my lab partner,

because she was willing

to do things that I wasn't.

Did it involve midgets?

No.

I once slept with an albino.

Anyway, the good news is,

now there are.

BOTH:
3,000 beautiful

babies in the world

and no one can

take that away...

from me... From her.

Why don't you go to

one of those alumni events?

An alumni event?

You go, and you

network with people

and if you really

love what you do

then the whole

"guy" thing is easier.

No! I don't want to

be like you, Meg.

I don't want my job

to be my entire life.

ROBIN:
Ooh.

Okay. Sisters, time-out.

There are pros and cons

to both of you, okay?

Pros. Young, beautiful.

Pros. Also beautiful,

for your age.

Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.

Cons. No access to pills.

Cons. You're really

stingy with the pills.

Right.

Pros. Loves me unconditionally.

Gives me the spare key

to the apartment.

Has a very nice

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