How to Be Single Page #4

underwear drawer.

Very neat and organized.

You have a key to my apartment?

Cons. Asks too many

personal questions.

Okay. I'm gonna

take my old, lonely,

workaholic ass

back to the hospital.

Cons. Ugly when sad.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, uh, did you bring

a sandwich from home?

Mmm.

Are you wearing

pajamas in a bar?

They're sweatpants.

I think you're bumming

some people out.

You might want to take your

"give up" pants and go home.

Leave me alone.

(LAUGHING) I love this bar.

(GASPS) Lucy?

(BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS)

BRITTANY:
Lucy?

Hi!

Oh, my God!

Brittany! Hi!

How are you? How are you?

I'm getting married!

She's getting married!

(ALL SHRIEKING)

That is just the best news

I've ever heard

in my entire life!

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yay!

How old are your kids?

No. (CHUCKLES)

I don't have any.

I just read to them sometimes.

But not in, like, a sad way.

It's more like

a volunteer thing?

ALL:
Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, are you married?

No. (CHUCKLES) No.

Dating anyone?

Uh, afraid not.

Are you divorced?

(GASPS) No, no one's

ever loved me enough

to eventually divorce me.

(LUCY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You got to get in the game,

before you can lose, so...

I'm not even a good loser, yet.

(MUMBLING)

Oh, my God,

are those penis straws?

You guys are gonna have

a crazy night tonight!

Hi.

Oh.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Hey, baby.

This is, um...

It's all right, you can say it.

Miss Independent

right here, right?

I'm her boyfriend.

ALL:
Oh! He's your boyfriend.

LUCY:
This is my boyfriend.

God, doesn't she look smoking

hot in these sweatpants?

Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

This is Brittany. She's

getting married, obviously.

Oh, you're the one

getting married. Marriage!

(ALL CHEERING)

The end of spontaneous sex,

traveling by yourself

and buying whatever you want without

having to ask permission, right?

Marriage! (LAUGHS)

Congratulations, good luck

with it. I hope it lasts.

Sorry. No filter.

(LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, listen. I hope, uh,

that kiss wasn't too much.

Oh, my God.

No, no, that was awesome!

Thank you so much! Good night.

(GLASSES CLANKING AND RATTLING)

(CLATTERS AND JANGLES)

(SIGHS)

Oh.

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(WHISPERS) Come on,

you f***ing b*tch.

Hey.

Sorry. Was that supposed

to be a private moment?

I can't get my zipper.

I'm sorry for

what I said to you.

What?

I said, I'm sorry for

what I said to you.

Can't hear you.

I said I'm sorry for what

I said to you! (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

What?

(EXHALES)

I'm gonna have a baby.

What? I found a sperm donor.

This guy.

He's of Swedish descent.

Oh, my God.

He has no known cancers

on either side of his family,

no history of drug abuse,

no history of any kind

of mental illness, or...

Oh, my God. I know.

Oh, my God. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I know.

Wait. Do you think

it's a bad idea?

Why are you saying

"Oh, my God" five times?

No, but... Wait,

when do you meet him?

That's the best part.

I never, ever have to meet

him, or any of his family.

There's no strings

attached at all.

Nothing. Is that crazy?

No. Oh, my God,

you're gonna have a baby.

I know!

You're gonna have a baby!

(LAUGHS) I'm so happy for you.

You'll always be my baby first.

But you do need to grow up.

And you do need to

move out by this Friday.

What?

The co-op board

found out you were here.

Is this a bad idea?

Would you tell me?

No, you're gonna be

the best mom in the world.

Wait. Just go back.

What was that thing that you

just said about the co-op board?

You need to be out by Friday.

But you're allowed

to have guests.

Yes. But my guests

aren't allowed

to slide down

the trash chute, naked.

I didn't go naked down the...

Oh. (GULPS)

Robin did that.

Mmm-hmm.

I've seen security

footage. And it just...

(EXCLAIMS) Hmm.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know. (CHEERS)

Hmm, it seems kind of homey,

like you'd actually

want to spend time here.

Oh, this could be

a reading window.

Reading is for ugly losers.

(EXHALES) I don't know.

I really like it.

Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!

BROKER:
Wait!

No, don't do that!

That just...

That just fell off.

I think I'm gonna take it.

ROBIN:
This place is dangerous.

It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)

Don't let that... Don't...

(CLANGS)

Did that just break? Yeah.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CUTLERY CLANKS)

(YAWNS) Good night.

That was weird.

Maybe you should

just leave it in there.

Maybe you shouldn't

shake it like that.

What, it's gonna make

the pee go in there.

No, it doesn't work like that.

That's not a Polaroid.

I'm gonna be the

best auntie, ever. I am.

I'm gonna give that kid

whatever it wants.

Forever.

All the sugar in the world.

Don't get your hopes up, okay?

Because it never works

on the first time.

It's too late. (CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Mmm.

See? I told you.

Are you okay? Yeah.

Oh, no, it always... This is...

It doesn't usually work on

the first time, like I said.

What?

I deal with this kind of thing

all the time. You know that.

Are you drinking enough water?

Your lips are really dry, which

means you're dehydrated.

I'll go get you some water.

(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

These plums are

available through

late summer, early autumn.

JOSH:
Alice!

And they're just wonderful,

they're called

Italian prune plums.

(STONE CLATTERS)

So, we're gonna make

a bit of caramel

with a cup of sugar,

and a third of a cup of water.

I'm just gonna

cook it over medium heat

until it's nice and

caramelized and brown...

JOSH:
Alice!

Hi. Hi.

My buzzer's broken.

It's like if Romeo and Juliet

had lived in New York.

(CHUCKLES)

That was bad. Can I come up?

Yeah.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(JANGLES)

WOMAN:
(ON TV) If you want to

make this cake another time...

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

(CLATTERS)

Hey.

Hey.

It's good to see you.

So good to see you. What's up?

Well, I was going

through my closet,

and I found a bunch

of your old stuff,

so I thought you might want it.

(CHUCKLES)

I could've come by to get this.

Well, actually,

that's the thing, is, um,

that's part of why I

wanted to come over.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

So, Michelle is

moving in tomorrow.

So... Wow!

Michelle. (TAPS)

She's got a name

and everything.

She's got a name.

Well, technically,

she's always had a name.

Mmm-hmm.

I mean, her lease was up

and I was with

this craigslist guy,

and he started

stealing my socks.

Mmm-hmm.

And so, it just made sense.

It makes sense.

And we're excited.

Mmm-hmm. We are.

You said "we." Okay.

So...

So let me give you the tour.

Um, this is the kitchen.

This is the dining room.

This is the living room

workspace-bedroom region.

And are you working

on your Spanish?

Oh, that's been that

way since I moved in,

and I don't know how to fix it.

And now I don't know

what the world would be like

if it wasn't in Spanish.

It's pretty easy,

you know, it's...

(SOFTLY) Alice.

(SNIFFLES) You're so handy.

(SIGHS)

Alice.

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