How to Be Single Page #5

Michelle is

a really lucky girl.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't expect

for this to happen.

I just...

I stopped comparing

everyone to you

and then I met

someone pretty great.

I'm super happy for you.

Yeah, I can see that.

Alice. All right.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm gonna go.

Okay. (SNIFFLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)

You need to move on.

Fine.

Uh, no going backwards,

only forwards.

You can't sleep with Tom again.

Well, then, we're gonna

have to start going

to a different bar, girlfriend.

No, you'll be fine,

just don't hit your

drink number with him.

What's my drink number?

In every male-female

friendship,

there's a total

number of drinks

and if you hit that, it means

you will definitely have sex.

So, how many drinks does it

take to get you wasted?

Two and a half,

but maybe three, if I've eaten.

Three.

Okay, and Tom's is eight.

So, you can't hit eleven drinks

between the two of you.

Okay.

Not one for you, 10 for him.

Not six for him, five for you.

If I had more than five drinks,

I'd hook up with you.

My drink number is 27.

What?

I wouldn't even touch

myself on less than 24.

That's...

What are you doing? Stop.

What is that? Stop.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God.

I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.

It's actually really cold.

You have LTRP.

Oh, my God. I do?

Yeah.

Tom gave it to me. For sure.

Wait. What's LTRP?

Long-Term Relationship P*ssy.

You really need

to get that taken care of.

What do you mean?

I barely have any hair.

It's like you dropped

your hairbrush

and your vagina caught it.

I could make dreadlocks with that

bush and form a reggae band.

That looks like a whole bowl

of petrified curly fries.

It's like Gandalf

is staring right at me.

(MIMICS GANDALF)

"No penis shall pass!"

You've ruined

so many things for me.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hi.

Hi. What are you here for?

Um, I am here to finally

put myself out there.

Like, in a real way. You know?

Not just physically,

but, like, emotionally.

Yeah.

Uh, no, I was asking

what event are you here for?

Oh, um...

Oh, my God.

The Wesleyan Alumni

Networking Event.

Cool.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we're...

I wanna see your

peacock, cock, cock

Your peacock, cock

Your peacock, cock, cock

Your peacock

Word on the street

You got somethin'

to show me, me

Magical, colorful,

myster-mystery-eeh

I'm intrigued for a peek

Heard it's fascinating

Come on baby let me see

What you hidin' underneath

Hey. Get back over there,

you're screwing up

the harmonies.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I'm David Stone,

nice to meet you.

Hi. Hey, I'm Alice.

Alice...

Kepley. Kepley.

It's not as good as "Stone."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Do you want one of

my business cards?

Or maybe 400 of them, so you

could tile your bathroom?

Well, what's on them?

Um, my Social Security Number,

my mom's maiden name,

my ATM PIN.

That's what

goes on these, right?

Absolutely, the essentials.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What do you do?

Um, I'm a paralegal.

Okay. At Brown, Light

and Finkelstein.

Is that, uh, 144 Wall Street?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have the building

right next door.

You "have" the building?

Like, in

a Fantasy Building League?

Uh, no. Um, I don't

"have" the building,

I kind of own it. Oh.

There's no way to

make that sound right.

I'm a developer,

so, it's not just me.

It's like a group

of people, but...

That's like a real-ass job, man.

Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, your team.

We really need to

work on our repertoire.

Are you kidding me? This is my jam!

Is it?

Yeah, this is like my top 13th

favorite song of all time.

(LAUGHS) (PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'm sorry,

it's my daughter.

Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.

I mean, I'm a...

I'm a daughter.

It was great to meet you.

(CHUCKLES)

Bye. Yeah.

Your peacock, cock, cock

Your peacock

(CLEARS THROAT)

I wanna see

your peacock, cock

MEG:
Okay, 30 more seconds.

Twenty-seven.

It said three to

10 minutes, is that right?

I'm doing this in solidarity.

Guys. Mine's positive.

What? What?

Wait.

I'm taking a drug test. Is

that what you guys are doing?

No. No.

(BEEPING)

(LAUGHING)

I'm... (LAUGHING)

You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

It's all right, don't worry.

We'll take care of it.

I mean, "Yes!"

ALICE:
You're pregnant!

We're pregnant!

I'm not pregnant!

I'm on drugs!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I found my peanut!

This is Paul.

Hey.

He has so many teeth.

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What up, office fools?

It's time for Secret Santa!

Who's ready to reach

into my cleave of wonders

and win themselves a prize?

Doris, I'm coming

to you first, baby.

Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!

You have won

Kathy's credit card.

Let's go, dance circle!

Bridget, come on

in here, you slut!

How many sliders does it take

to equal a whole burger?

What?

How many little burgers does it

take to make a whole burger?

(SNORTS) You're crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Don't ever call

a pregnant woman crazy.

Okay. All right.

Not ever. Never.

Okay.

How many little meats

make up a whole big meat?

I don't know, maybe four?

I've had seven.

Eight. I meant eight.

Is it four, or is it eight?

It's eight, or more.

Everyone knows that.

Who told you that?

The slider guy.

Please blink,

so I know you're in there.

I'm sorry. (EXHALES) God.

I just have blood pumping

through my body

in an uncomfortable way

and it feels like it's all

accumulating right here.

Don't touch yourself like

that in my workplace.

I need a man.

A man?

I don't know...

I don't know what's happening.

It's, like, the hormones

or something.

Actually, the new guy has sort

of been checking you out.

Which one? He's...

Did you get it? No.

All right. He's like...

Right over there.

No. No. Why?

Because he's too young.

All young guys want to

do is have sex all day.

All I need is just

a quick 10 minutes,

and then a really long nap.

How old is that

little niblet, anyway?

Like, twenty-f... Seven?

The only reason a guy like

that would ever talk to me

is to get a prescription

for medical marijuana.

So, no.

I think he's coming over.

Yeah, he's totally wanting it.

Wait, he might be

going to the food.

Don't look over there.

No, he's coming.

He's here.

Just saw you looking

at me over there.

I thought I'd come over,

say "What's up."

Hmm. Or...

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God, did I misread that?

(STUTTERS) Were you not...

Were you just talking about...

Um, did you not

want me to come over?

Hey, I'm Ken.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

You must be Alice's sister.

Um, do you want a drink? No.

Can I get you...

I had a lot of

drinks earlier today.

(CLICKS TONGUE) (EXHALES)

Have you heard anything

about an after-party?

Or even, like,

another part of this party?

Because this feels like

a longer day at work, than...

Oh, my God, am I boring you?

Is that... Are you

trying not to yawn?

Mmm-mmm. That's just your face?

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