How to Be Single Page #6

No, I'm sorry. I'm a doctor,

and I'm just really tired.

What is it you were

saying you do?

I wasn't, but I

work here, for now.

But, um...

Oh, my God,

are you having a stroke?

Seriously, this is

the honeymoon.

Like, we just

met 30 seconds ago.

Honestly, like, if we're not

gonna make it through this,

I don't think we're

gonna make it at all.

So, why don't you just,

like, let her rip?

Okay. Like, let it all out.

Yeah.

(YAWNS) How awesome was that?

That feels so good.

Right? (CHUCKLES)

Who are you, again?

I'm, uh, Ken.

And what's going on here?

Is this... (CHUCKLES)

I don't...

Is this one of those

fetish things?

Where you're, like,

a foot fetish. Am I the foot?

Do you want to be the foot?

I'm not into feet, but I would

like to go out with you.

Oh.

Yes. Why?

Really? I...

Do you not want me to?

I do! I... That's not what I was saying.

No, I was just wondering why.

Because I think you're hot.

(LAUGHS)

And I think you're funny.

And I like the face you make

when you're trying not to yawn.

And then you have an

awesome yawn after that, so...

I mean, that's always something

I've looked for in a girl.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know.

But, cheers.

Holy sh*t, that's a candle.

(MEG CLEARS THROAT)

So, do you wanna just go do this, then?

(CLEARS THROAT)

(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh.

Mmm.

I don't want anything serious.

Good, because I'm saving

myself for marriage.

(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.

My God, your body is awesome!

Do I smell like hamburgers?

You taste like hamburgers.

(LAUGHING)

That's totally beautiful.

(KEN GRUNTS)

You didn't really have to come all

the way here with me, you know?

And miss a subway ride with you?

(LAUGHS)

That's like 20 extra

minutes of Paul time.

Aw. Thank you. Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Actually, I got you something.

Oh, okay.

I have a sandwich

for the train ride.

Oh, thank you. And there's

a bagel in there, too,

in case you don't

want the sandwich.

It's a 45 minute

train ride, but thank you.

And there's this. What?

Merry Christmas.

You shouldn't have.

Really, it's just

a little thing that...

Oh. Open it now, yeah.

Whoa! These are pictures of us.

It's memories of

all our time together.

Yeah, there's three weeks

of photos. That's...

And then we can

fill in the rest.

Oh, so...

Look, Lucy, I...

I really care about you.

And I just don't know if we want to

think too much in the long term,

only because I don't know

if I see a future with you.

Normally, I break up with

people before the holidays,

just so, you know,

they don't get the wrong idea.

But I just thought, since

we're dating other people,

I would just wait and break up with

you on Martin Luther King Day.

Okay, I have no idea what that

means, but it sounds vaguely racist.

Just, statistically,

it's the easiest holiday

to break up with

someone on, you know?

I mean, there's

no family obligations,

you can get out before

Valentine's Day.

I'm sorry, did you just say

you're seeing other people?

Yeah.

I mean, isn't that the whole

point of online dating?

No.

It's to find your soul mate!

(ECHOING)

I, uh, think maybe we should

only see other people.

Okay. Great talk.

Bye.

Just...

Um, Merry Christmas.

"'We're safe!' said Paul,

as they ran from the dragon."

Um, who's Paul?

(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry, "the Prince."

"Then, he leaned in to kiss

her, and finally said..."

Oh, that's rich.

How does the story end?

I'll tell you how it ends.

He kisses her, and she wakes

up and finally feels loved,

and understood, and wanted.

But then, her friend sees him

dining with the peach lady

and before she knows it,

she's kicked out

of the castle. (BOOK CLATTERS)

"The peach lady"?

You bet your sweet ass

"the peach lady."

And now, you know, she's

fixating on all her mistakes

and all the money

she spent on makeup

and blow-outs, and the heels!

The heels!

Walking around on these.

And I'm not supposed

to have any hair here.

No hair here,

but tons of it here.

I'm supposed to have

a ton, a ton of it here.

You think this is all real?

You think that it's all real?

No.

And Spanx!

Girls. Never wear Spanx.

Because the endgame

is to take them off, anyway

and then the prince is gonna

see all your dumplings

and there ain't

nothing less attractive

than trying to

squiggle your way

out of what's basically

sausage casing.

Look at these links!

You know what,

why don't we push pause

on story time for

just a second, huh?

GEORGE:
Okay,

you know what? Sorry.

Are you kidding me?

GEORGE:
Hey, hey. Okay.

These are kid scissors.

They don't work.

If your Spanx were made of

construction paper, they would.

And that's how the story ends.

(GRUNTING)

Parents, I'm gonna ask

you to sign something

before you leave,

if you don't mind.

Story time next week. (YELPS)

Same time, same place,

different reader.

Thank you. Okay, now.

Hey, you. Hey. How are you?

Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.

(PANTING)

Oh, that was terrible.

You scared all the kids,

terrified a lot of parents.

But it was also

kind of awesome.

I'm George.

Lucy.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey. Hi.

JOSH:
Hey. Hey!

Hey! Oh, thank you.

For you. I'll take that.

Oh, no. That's Robin's.

Yeah. I like to keep

this on my own rack.

Sorry, we're late.

No, it's okay. I'm glad

you guys could come.

I know it's tough to be single

around this time of year, so...

Why do people always say that? The

holidays is he best time to be single.

Parties every night,

free-flowing booze.

Mmm-hmm. Santa's beard

tickling your inner thigh.

What? Night.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, take your jacket...

Here, you want me

to get your...

Thanks for having us.

Yeah, sure. I know it's

been tough for you.

For me? Yeah.

No, I'm good.

It's really cool of your girlfriend

to be okay with me coming tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, I know,

she's really mature.

And, um, also, I told

her you're my cousin.

Hi, baby. Hey. Hi.

Oh, you must be Alice.

Hi! Hi.

(HORNS HONKING)

(TRAFFIC BUSTLING)

KEN:
Oh, Meg! (GASPS)

Hi. Hey.

Hi, what are you doing here?

I brought you hot chocolate.

For what?

For drinking.

Oh, I have to be back

at work in eight minutes.

Perfect.

Oh, thank you. Sure.

That was nice. Hi.

It's good to see you.

You look good.

Oh, oh, there's

bourbon in there.

Also, was that

a real-life spit take?

Mmm. I've never seen

one in real life.

I just sort of thought

it would be like...

(SPITTING)

Wow. You know?

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

That was good, yeah.

I can't drink alcohol right now

because I'm

about to deliver a baby.

It's so cool you're a doctor.

It's so cool that you're...

A receptionist.

Oh, okay. So, what's the male

version of a receptionist?

Receptionist. Oh.

Oh, I just love the

thrill of it, you know?

Like, "Hello? Hold, please. "Hello?

I'll see if she's available."

But I'm thinking about

quitting. I don't know.

It's starting to feel like the

restaurant I worked at. (JINGLING)

Oh. Oh, sh*t. Christmas trees.

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