How to Be Single Page #7

Come on, we'll get one.

Okay. I mean, I don't

get Christmas trees, but...

Oh, are you Jewish? No, I just

don't get Christmas trees.

Oh, so, you're a monster.

No, I'm just never home, and

I would definitely kill it.

No.

And then those needles

fall into the rug

and stab your feet

when you walk on them.

Okay.

All right.

Look at this guy, right?

That's the John McClane

of Christmas trees.

Like, you cannot kill this guy.

We load him up with

a bunch of water,

stuff one of those self-pouring

cat bottles on the side,

you're good to go for,

like, three weeks.

I'm telling you, you're gonna

be begging this guy to die.

Yeah. Then, in three weeks

we throw this guy

out on the street,

and get ready

for Valentine's Day.

"We" get ready

for Valentine's Day?

Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's not...

Listen, in three

weeks from now,

I think the novelty of this

whole thing will have worn off

and I think, the reality will set in,

which is that I work all the time

and I probably would

never see you,

and I'd probably have to

cancel all of our dates.

And, when I did

finally see you,

I would probably just

fall asleep on your face.

Oh... Yeah, and then,

.you would go off,

and meet some girl at the gym.

Because you obviously have a lot

of time to spend at the gym

and so would she, and

I don't even know why we're

having this conversation.

I mean, you are

obviously not a real thing

and I feel like we're wasting

air even talking about it.

And I have hip problems,

real hip problems,

and not from doing fun things,

like having sex,

but from gravity.

And what we had was great.

Thank you for

helping me out with that.

That was fun.

But you will find

a girl your own age

and then you can do fun things

like look for trees

and whatever.

But that's not what's happening

here, between you and me, so...

Just so you know.

I have to get back to work now.

(MOUTHING)

My God.

Fine, we won't get

a Christmas tree!

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

JOSH:
You okay? You happy?

I'm okay.

JOSH:
You did good.

This is an incredible party.

Mmm. You're sweet.

Hey, Robin.

Yeah.

(MUMBLES)

MAN:
Oh. Yes?

Do you want to go see

the Rockefeller tree?

Right now? Yeah.

No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples

are visiting from Italy,

and they want to know all about

American Christmas traditions

like us sitting on their faces.

No. No.

Come on, it's Christmas!

I'm not gonna do that tonight.

Why? Their d*cks probably

look like cannolis.

No, it's okay.

I'll call you tomorrow.

(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES)

It's plastic.

You can't kill it.

(LAUGHS)

DAVID:
Hey.

Hey.

I feel like I know you.

God, I wish I had one of

your business cards,

so I could

remember who you are.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, you're the, um,

fancy married guy,

with the kid and the buildings.

Uh, I'm not married.

Um, I do have a daughter.

Oh.

And I'm fancy. Yeah.

You're wearing a scarf on

the outside of your jacket.

Which...

That serves zero purpose.

(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES)

Um...

Uh, this is super

random, but do you

want to go see

the Rockefeller tree with me?

No? That's a big "no."

No, no.

I know it's probably like so

crowded with so many tourists,

I don't know why

I even want to do that.

I just... I was just thinking,

I want to show you something.

Okay.

(WHISPERS) All right.

This door.

Aye.

You know what?

I am just realizing now

that I've gone with

a complete stranger,

to an abandoned location

covered in plastic.

So, if you're

gonna Dexter me...

You know what? Honestly?

Dying would not be the worst

thing in the world, right now.

What is happening?

All right. Close your eyes.

Okay. Here we go. Bye!

(CREAKING) (DAVID GRUNTING)

What is that sound?

Just one second.

The world's largest

shower curtain?

What is it? What's happening?

One sec. Uh...

Is that the body bag?

Is that duct tape?

Is it "duck" tape

or is it "duct" tape?

Um, open your eyes.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

This is amazing.

Thank you.

I've always wanted to see this.

Yeah.

I don't know why

I always talk myself out

of doing the things

that I really want to do.

Like what?

There's this thing that

people do on New Year's,

where they hike the Grand

Canyon in the dark, Hmm.

So that they can watch the New

Year come in with the dawn.

That sounds amazing.

I know. Yeah.

I'm just not a hiker.

I don't like that stuff that's on the

ground, that, like, gets on you.

The dirt? Yes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But, um, I don't know.

Maybe we can, um,

do something else this year.

"We"? Did I say "we"?

This one's name is Ping-Ping.

Ping-Ping?

It's nice to meet you.

ALICE:
Who's this guy?

Lion.

Lion is very handsome and,

also, we seem to be matching.

Well, what about this guy?

Zebra-Zebra.

Hmm. I was told never to trust

a man with two first names.

(CHUCKLES) (PHONE RINGS)

What about, do you want to tell

me the names of these ones?

This is LA.

I'll be two seconds.

Okay, we're fine.

Do you know

the Eyes of You song?

The what song?

Eyes of You song.

No, I don't know what that is.

(SCATTING)

Oh, I know that song.

(BOTH SCATTING)

I love you baby

And if it's quite all right

What are you doing?

Well, we were working

on our pop star careers,

but her voice is

way better than mine.

(LAUGHS) Can I talk to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

You're not her mom.

What are you... What are you...

What do you mean?

We were just singing, David.

Look, I'm sorry, but

when it comes to Phoebe,

I get very protective.

And, you can't just...

Look, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know that

that was a thing.

I'm not trying to, like...

I guess I didn't know

that that would upset you

because you don't

actually ever really

share anything with me.

(HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE)

Do you know how I found out

your wife passed away?

From your doorman, David.

Yeah, well.

I just thought you were

divorced. I had no idea.

It's just been two years, okay?

Phoebe's not

ready for all that.

I have no idea what

it's like to be a parent.

But, I feel like you have to

open up to Phoebe about her mom.

Look, Alice.

I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING) (BAGPIPES PLAYING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(INAUDIBLE)

(KEYS JANGLING SOFTLY)

(CRYING) I know I'm not supposed

to need you anymore, but...

I really do.

Come here.

I feel like I don't even

know who I am anymore.

It's okay.

I have to warn you, I have this

weird farting thing happening.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know if it's me, or the baby

farting through me, or what, but...

Let me see. (SIGHS)

Hi, you stinky little baby.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) You know you're not gonna

be able to hide this for much longer.

You need to tell him.

(SHUSHING)

(ALICE CHUCKLES)

I love you, monkey.

I love you.

(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, let me guess.

You're one of those parade-hating

buzzkills that stays at home,

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