How to Be Single Page #8

while the rest of us

are out here,

celebrating

Saint Patrick's Day.

No. You know what? I'm into it.

George is an eighth Irish.

Do you think he'll

like it? Look, I did...

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Who's George?

Luce. Hey!

Oh, there he is!

That's George?

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Yes!

(LAUGHING)

BOTH:
Mmm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(MUSIC PLAYING STOPS) (LAUGHS)

Hi. Hi.

It's been forever.

Yeah.

Are you here with somebody?

Oh, no. I'm, I'm, I'm alone.

I just thought I'd

grab some pancakes,

'cause I love pancakes.

This was our place.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Who are you here with?

I'm here with my parents.

JOSH'S MOM:
Oh, my God.

Here they are.

JOSH'S DAD:
Look who it is.

JOSH'S MOM:
Alice!

ALICE:
Hi! How are you?

JOSH'S DAD:
Oh, my God.

We're here to celebrate.

How are you?

It's so good to see you. Hi.

Josh got into business school.

What? JOSH:
I did.

It just happened. It's crazy.

I didn't even know

you wanted to...

JOSH'S DAD:
We were just

gonna take a picture.

Come on, get in here. Oh.

We're just gonna

take a picture.

JOSH'S DAD:
Come on,

come on, get in here.

- Squeeze in.

JOSH:
No, no, no!

Selfie time!

Selfie time. One, two...

No, I can take one of you guys.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Three!

You're better than her.

Wow. What?

JOSH'S MOM:
What? Mom!

(JOSH'S MOM LAUGHING)

You need to go inside.

I know you've

said it a million times.

All right. There you go.

Take her inside,

and then take her home.

Great to see you again.

ALICE:
Great to see you. Okay.

Bye, guys.

It's great to see you.

It's great to see you.

Yeah.

Okay. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Don't squash my pancakes, man.

Oh, sorry.

Do you want to...

Yeah, let's...

We should hang out soon.

I'll see you around.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPITTING)

(MAN TALKS INDISTINCTLY)

(HORN HONKING)

(KNOCKS)

(MOUTHING) What the f***?

Are you pregnant?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What?

(STAMMERS)

I've been trying

to have a baby. Yes.

I... It's probably

not even going to stick.

Yeah, I think it stuck.

Okay, I don't know

what that tone was

but, if you haven't noticed,

my b*obs have

gotten much bigger.

Yeah, of course I noticed

your b*obs getting bigger.

I put that on

my vision board, okay?

I thought that was

because of me.

Who does that?

I do! People like me,

visionaries!

Didn't you notice

that I was getting fat?

That's a trick question.

You are not getting fat.

You are beautiful, you

have always been beautiful,

and you are

carrying this so well.

(EXHALES) You think?

Is this why you've been

avoiding me lately?

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna... (LAUGHS)

I'm gonna be a dad!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!

We're gonna be...

Not "dads." We're gonna...

(CHUCKLES)

No, it's not.

Like, you're not... It's not...

Is that not mine?

I'm just pregnant.

What do you mean,

you're "just pregnant"?

That's crazy.

How's that possible?

What?

I said, you're being crazy.

You've lied to me

the entire time

we've been together

about being pregnant

and now you're upset with

me because I believed it?

That's what a crazy

person does.

That's three times.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Say it again.

I don't know. It just

seems crazy to me.

I just want to

tell you something.

Usually, it's a good idea

not to call

a pregnant woman crazy.

(LAUGHS) You know what I mean?

She's nuts, everybody.

So funny! (GRUNTS)

Oh, sh... Oh, my God!

Not funny!

Get it, girl.

Who is the father?

I don't know! I don't know.

How do you not know?

Stop yelling at me.

How could you not know

something like that?

Did you not catch his name?

I did I.V.F. with

a sperm donor.

Oh, my God. Okay?

Do you have

a problem with that?

I don't have a problem

with that. It's your body.

Do whatever you

want with your body.

Cover it in tattoos.

I don't care.

I think I deserve to know

when there's someone

living inside the person

I'm having sex with.

Don't say that. That's gross!

There is nothing gross

about that. It is beautiful!

It's not your problem.

Not genetically, okay?

But my girlfriend

is having a baby.

Babe, if we're gonna

make this thing work, like,

this is the kind of

thing I need to know.

What are you gonna do? Stay

home and take care of a baby?

Did I just win the lottery?

Yes, I want to stay home

and take care of a baby.

When I was eight years old, my Halloween

costume was a stay-at-home dad.

You're saying I never

have to go to work again.

I get to hang out

with a baby all day?

Just stop saying

the word "baby."

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!

Because babies are awesome!

Okay, listen.

You and I, we probably would

have a lot of fun together

and then, one day, we would be

on this road trip together.

And I would be driving,

and then I'd get tired

and I would hate to do it,

but I would agree

to let you drive.

And then,

I would feel very safe,

and that's when we would crash.

You think you can control

everything, but you can't.

That's not how this works.

If I could choose someone to

do this with, it would be you.

You can choose!

I just... I'm not the only

one in the car, anymore.

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

Well, for the record,

this is not me leaving.

This is you pushing me away.

(SIGHS)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Daddy? Yeah, babe?

I want the Eyes of You song.

Sing it to me.

Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?

Get some sleep.

(PHONE DINGS)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING

AND TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(PHONE DINGS)

(PHONE DINGS)

ALICE:
It's just, Josh and I

could be married by now

and we would have, like, the

cutest little baby daughter

and she would probably

be named after a fruit.

What kind of name is

"George," anyway? Right?

I hate his hair.

Actually, technically, we would

have a four-year-old daughter,

in which case,

her name would be Rihanna.

What? We haven't known

each other four years.

No, not you. Josh.

Oh, right, yeah.

But, exactly. It's the same

thing with me and Lucy.

It's like, if I go to work, and she's

not there, I'm like mad or something.

Yeah. Which is nuts, because she's

not completely disgusted by you.

I don't get it. I don't know where

I'm gonna find another one like her.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

Maybe we've just made

all the wrong moves.

Maybe, this whole time, we've been

focusing on all the wrong stuff

and now it's just too late.

To the wrong stuff.

This is it.

We can't pass "eleven."

What are you talking about?

Our drink number.

In every male and female friendship,

there's a number of drinks,

and if you pass it, you have

to have sex, mathematically.

Whatever, dude. (CHUCKLES)

(BOTTLE CLATTERING)

Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.

Wha... Where did

that come from?

Uh, the floor.

One, two, three. That's three.

Four, five, six.

Seven.

Eight, nine.

(BOTTLE CAP CLANKING)

It's just ten. It's just ten.

(EXHALES)

Eleven. Did you drink this?

No.

Oh, thank God.

You did.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

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