How to Be Single Page #9

This may be a mistake.

It's just such a bad idea.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was trying to

bone the Lucy out of my system.

Yeah, see, normally, I feel

like I'd be mad at that.

But I just did the

exact same thing to you.

Right, yeah.

Sh*t. I think I like her.

Like, when we're together,

I feel like me, but, like,

a better me.

See, that's the magic.

That's what I got to find.

Yeah.

I can let myself out.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(EXHALES)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL:
Cheers! (LAUGHING)

Whoa! (LAUGHING)

Alice! Happy Birthday!

Hi!

Thank you. What is that?

Give me that.

Um, this is actually for Meg.

I had it made for her,

specially.

ALICE:
Aw...

That is so sweet.

Look how cozy. Oh.

Maybe I'll give it to her.

Just, later on.

Hey!

ALICE:
No Tom, no Josh,

I'm just gonna have

a really good time

and I'm not gonna think

about any boys at all.

Here's to no drama.

No drama. Whoo!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Happy Birthday!

(LAUGHS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

TOM:
Thanks, buddy.

(GASPS)

I'll show you. This way.

Oh, my God.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!

Josh! What's up, man?

Wow, I haven't seen you

since college, man!

I'm just hanging.

I got to go get a drink,

but I'll catch you later.

Okay, cool. Yeah, man.

I'm gonna find Alice.

Tall person.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

TOM:
We got a whole

"No hats" thing

but, uh, you seem like

a good guy, and, you know...

Hey. What's up, guys?

Hey. Hey. Josh.

You're Josh?

What's that supposed to mean?

No, nothing. Makes total sense.

Wait, how do you know Alice?

How do you guys know Alice?

Oh, f*** me.

This is Josh.

Makes sense.

What? Are you guys

new friends, or...

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Come here.

Um, Tom is here,

and David, and Josh.

And David. Did I say David?

Yeah, I know,

because I invited them.

You're welcome.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because I thought it

would be funny. For me.

And good for you, emotionally,

to have guys fighting over you.

Hey. Hey.

What's going on? How are you?

Pretty good. Uh, I need to

talk to you about something.

Great. Me, too.

You go first.

I'm getting married.

What?

(LAUGHS) That's, uh...

Look, your computer

programs are total bullshit.

Your algorithms? Also,

total bullshit, all right?

Just because the music stops, doesn't

mean you got to sit in the closest chair.

You shouldn't be with George.

You should be with me.

Yes. I want to be with you.

What?

God, all those

bad dates at the bar,

there was something

that was always there.

You.

It was always me.

Yes. Oh, my God. Right?

We could have

the best life together.

And, I mean, we're gonna

want to get married soon

because we'll probably want

to start a family right away.

Oh, my God. Our kids.

Our kids are gonna be so cute.

Exactly.

Which is why we should just

kind of pump the brakes

and not rush things, you know?

Let's... Let's take care

of us right now.

Oh, my God, Tom.

I'm totally messing with you.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

I don't want to be with you.

And you don't want to

be with me, either.

Wait. Babe!

Oh, my God. I saw everything.

I thought you were

gonna hyperventilate, man.

But I didn't!

Oh, Tom.

Come on. Don't be sad.

You know what this is?

This is the first,

tiny green sprout of life

fighting its way out of the

gravel parking lot of your heart.

So, congrats.

(SCOFFS) That was beautiful.

Thank you, hon.

GEORGE:
Oh, hang on,

one second.

Hey, quick, man,

just one last thing.

Stay the f*** away

from my girl, okay, man?

Or I will straight-up end you.

Okay. All right. Okay?

So, just back off. You got it?

Yeah.

Because I put a ring on that

and you're coming at it

pretty hard with your dick.

Okay.

I'm f***ing with you, man.

Cool, okay. No, of course.

Lucy loves you, I love you.

We're brothers, now, all right?

And, as such,

I would like to...

This is a big one...

(SIGHS) Ask you

to be my best man.

(STUTTERS) Yeah, you got it.

I'm f***ing with you, bro!

Of course, you can't

be my best man.

You are a stranger to me.

Okay? Yeah.

Just to recap, stay the

f*** away from my girl.

I don't want you

to be my best man.

We still love you,

you're family.

You'll definitely be

invited to the wedding.

Okay.

But, probably not.

So, don't be offended.

I'm glad we had this talk, man.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL:
Whoo!

Whoo!

DAVID:
Uh...

You trying to hide from me?

Are you hiding from me? Hi.

Huh? Hi.

I didn't see you,

right over there.

It's a good hiding spot.

Uh, listen.

I've been thinking

about you a lot.

Look, David, I'm sorry, I...

I can't do this.

You made it so clear to me,

that you didn't want to, so...

That's not why

I came here at all.

I just came here

to apologize to you

for being such an a**hole.

Oh.

Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

Well, you were right

about Phoebe.

Oh, good. Did you talk to her?

Well, um, you know,

I'm working on it.

But, uh, are you okay?

(CHORTLES)

I'm working on it.

Happy Birthday.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

See? I told you

this would be fun.

Although, I thought one of them

was, like, gonna punch each other

and that hasn't happened yet.

Robin, this isn't a joke.

This is my life.

But you know what? I guess you

wouldn't actually understand that,

because you've

never really cared

about anybody enough

to ever get hurt.

So, this type of thing

doesn't affect you.

Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,

but who gives a sh*t about me?

I do, because you're my friend!

Am I? Because

as far as I can tell,

you only ever want to hang out

with me when you get dumped

and you need someone

to cheer you up.

Well, you only ever

hang out with me

when you need me

to be your little sidekick.

The reason why I don't hang around with

you when you're in a relationship,

is because you just turn into this

lame-ass shell of a human being.

Nice.

Yeah, do you want

some real advice?

Yeah, what?

You're not gonna

find the right guy

by bumming free drinks

and slutting it up.

Where is this coming from?

This whole time, you've

been the one that's like,

"Oh, yeah, parties

and d*cks and shots.

"Let's put shots

all over our bodies."

"More sparkles, b*tch!"

It's about me

being sick of you just

meeting guys and

falling into their dick-sand.

Falling into their what?

Their dick-sand.

It's like, every time

a guy just looks at you,

you just forget

who you are, and,

like... (MOCKINGLY) "Oh!"

You get sucked

into their world.

At least when I do

decide I want a boyfriend,

I'm gonna find someone who

likes me for who I really am,

because I know

who the f*** that is.

(EXHALES)

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Happy Birthday.

(SCOFFS)

It's your birthday!

And I drank some of your gift.

You okay?

No. No.

God, you look pretty

when you're pissed.

I missed these. (CHUCKLES)

What are we doing?

We're about to have sex.

What?

God. What?

So, ever since I saw you,

I feel like we f***ed up.

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