How to Be Single Page #10

I shouldn't have let you go.

Because Michelle

and I are still together,

and we're actually engaged

and I feel like we're f***ing up.

What? What?

We're getting married, but I don't

know if I want to do it yet.

Oh, my God.

Wait! I'm just telling...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Come here, come here.

You just let me make out

with somebody else's fiance.

No, it's not cheating, since

we've already been together.

What are you doing?

Wait, just...

You told me you missed me!

I... That's the whole point,

I miss you all the time.

I saw you and you were so beautiful,

and you are so beautiful.

And I just need closure.

I think we need...

Is that what this...

This is closure for you? Yeah.

Just one last screw

for old times' sake,

before you go and settle

down with somebody else?

(SIGHS) That's not...

I'm sorry, all right?

Uh, Alice.

No, you know, what?

I'm sorry. This is my fault.

I spent so much time

wanting you back

that, when I thought

that you wanted me back,

it's like I lost

my mind for a second.

Oh, my God. This is it!

This is the dick-sand.

I'm falling into your

dick-sand right now.

What?

It's like quicksand,

but with d*cks.

I don't have dick-sand.

I'm so obsessed with

the idea of being in love,

that I just, it's like...

I completely lose myself.

Like, I forget what I want

and I just disappear.

I'm like the horse

in The Neverending Story.

I don't think it's coming out

like it's inside your head.

Josh. I want to be alone.

I know that

I've said that a lot.

But, for the first time

in my life,

I really, really,

truly mean it.

Congratulations on

your engagement.

(EXHALES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Where to?

Home.

(SIGHS)

I'm going home.

Woman! I don't know

where the f*** you live.

Oh, I'm sorry. Um, can I go

to South Second and Berry?

(ROBIN GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, my God!

(ROBIN EXCLAIMS)

Robin? Oh, my God!

(GROANS)

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Take us to the hospital,

and I won't sue you!

What's happening? We got to go.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ROBIN SCREAMS) Hey!

(MEG GROANS)

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, it's happening.

No, no, no. It's fine,

it's fine, it's fine.

Oh, my God! No, it's fine!

I got her, I got her.

The average labor

for a new mom is 26 hours.

It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.

It's gonna be fine.

Okay.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, is it fine?

Is everything fine?

Get a cab. Get me a cab. Okay!

ROBIN:
I've got one!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

Take us to the hospital

and I won't sue you!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

MEG:
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

This is bad.

Okay, okay.

Oh, this is really bad!

(GRUNTS)

I need to call my

patients and say sorry.

No.

This is not natural!

Okay. Oh, God!

You're at 10 centimeters,

and you've already entered

the second phase

of labor,

known as active labor.

What?

I went to medical school.

Is that so hard to believe?

BOTH:
Yes!

This is gonna happen,

like, right now.

Get your foot off my tit.

Get your foot off my tit, okay?

It's coming.

You are the cliche!

You are the lady who's about to

have a baby in

the back of a taxi

and I'm the Australian-American

hero who's gonna

make it happen!

In the cab, though?

Don't worry, Meg.

My hands and my mouth have both

been recently

sterilized by vodka.

Feels like it's coming out.

No, no, no, no.

ROBIN:
I'm going in.

I'm going in.

Chant with me!

ALICE:
Hold it inside!

We can do this. Do this.

We can do this.

We can do this, we can do this.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

We're here! We're here!

ALICE:
Get out. Get out.

MEG:
Okay, open the door.

ROBIN:
Sh*t, the door's...

MEG:
Open the door.

It won't open!

MEG:
Open the door!

It won't open! ALICE: The door!

Wait! The window's working.

We just got to...

ALICE:
What are you doing?

The door's locked!

(MEG CRYING)

Just open the door!

MEG:
It's coming out!

ALICE:
Robin! Okay,

you have to help her!

You have to help her.

She's gonna help you, okay?

MEG:
I can't.

ALICE:
Help her.

(MEG GROANING) Come on!

Close your legs really tight.

Do not let it come out!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Robin, it was locked!

(BOTH GROANING)

Come on!

(MEG GROANING)

Oh! My purse.

No, no, no, no! Get inside.

MEG:
It's coming out!

I need a...

We need a wheelchair.

Jesus. Okay,

don't let it come out!

MEG:
It's gonna come out.

Don't let it come out.

Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!

I need to... I need to push.

It's coming out.

It's coming out.

Are you coming?

You don't need me anymore.

(MEG BREATHING RAPIDLY)

ALICE:
Okay.

MEG:
Oh, God. Okay.

MEG:
I'm scared.

I'm right here.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INFANT COOS)

(SOFTLY) Hi.

(WHISPERS) I called him.

Look, I know

you don't want me here,

but just listen to me, okay?

You like me. A lot.

And I like you. (COOING)

And you're crazy.

That's a fact.

Honestly, I think you're probably just

as crazy when you're not pregnant.

But I'm allowed to say that,

because I love you.

I love you.

I'm gonna come back later.

Thanks. Thanks for calling.

Don't be weird.

Oh, thank you, thank...

Well, are you gonna

come meet her or not?

Her? Mmm-hmm.

KEN:
It's a "her"?

This is baby Madeline.

Oh, my God, look at you.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

(MADELINE COOS)

She's beautiful.

And I think I love you, too.

I mean, I do love you, I don't

know why I just said that.

I really love you.

I really, really love you.

(CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERS) I mean, I don't...

I can totally handle

all of this by myself.

I'm an independent woman.

My God, seriously?

But I don't want to.

I don't.

Hi. Mmm.

Doesn't she look like an alien?

(SNORTS)

You are the most beautiful

alien in the world.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(WHIRRING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(EXHALES) (KNOCKING)

Hi.

What do you want?

I wanted to tell you that I know that

I can do a lot of things on my own.

And I can unzip my own dress,

but I want you to do it for me.

That sounded

really weird. Um...

I want you to watch

me unzip my dress.

No, sorry.

That sounded really sexual.

That's not what I meant.

What I meant is I want to

unzip my own dress

and I just want you

to be around,

because you're my best friend.

And I love you.

(SNIFFLES) And I'm totally

in love with you, too.

This is more than

just a friendship.

I'm so glad

you feel the same way.

Just joking!

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

I got you.

Oh, but I do love you.

And I missed you. Oh.

I've been having Alice

withdrawal, seriously.

Wait, are you kidding me?

Is this where you live?

(GASPS)

Robin! This is

your 500 square feet,

where you keep your clothes

and occasionally bathe?

Uh, yeah.

I'm super rich.

Did I not mention that?

Wait. Why do we always

hang out at my place?

Why did you even

work at the firm?

(WHIRRING)

Wait, why do I pay for

everything all the time?

Wow.

Well, I didn't really need

to work at the firm.

I just really liked

hanging out with you.

And screwing those

two security guys.

Why do have a scooter?

This is my indoor scooter.

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