How to Build a Better Boy Page #2

anything that pathetic.

Really? How about

that time you cried

when your Wizardcraft

avatar died?

Do not disrespect

a fallen hero.

Kravtar saved thousands

with his magic.

Just drive us home, Bart.

Do we all ride

for the same price?

Oh.

I wonder if it's too late

to be home-schooled.

A fake boyfriend?

How are we going to pull

that one off?

Well, I'm not gonna create an online

profile for some pretend boy.

That's just creepy and lame.

Agreed.

Guess I'll just have to

come clean.

And be taunted for all eternity

by Nevaeh and her minions.

Why is Jaden even with her?

I thought he was different.

That's what I've been

trying to tell you.

High school boys are like

old smart phones.

They're buggy,

they think too slowly.

And they crash

when you need them most.

Why don't we invent

a better one?

What?

What if we make you

a boyfriend?

An interactive,

virtual boy.

Like the best one ever.

And we do that how?

I spent the summer

at coder camp.

And your dad designs the coolest

video game characters in the world.

His software

must be off the chain.

Well, yeah.

And totally off limits.

I mean, his office is locked up

like a bank vault.

We don't need

to get inside.

We could just surf in

on bits of data.

So you want to hack

into my dad's secure network

and build me

some high-def boyfriend?

That's insane.

I know, but it's better

than letting Nevaeh win.

You better sleep over.

Let me text my mom.

Okay, I can.

Okay, but we cannot get caught.

My dad is super secretive

about his work.

What's the big deal?

It's a video-game company,

not the Department of Defense.

Welcome to my humble lab,

General.

All right, doctor, time to see what

Uncle Sam's been paying you for.

Oh, just follow me.

You can take the elevator.

And you can... Okay.

Gentlemen, I give you the

future birthplace of the X-17.

The world's first

covert robotic operative.

It's an impressive

achievement...

in theory.

Are you prepared to move

to the fabrication stage?

You get the go-ahead

from the President,

and I'll make history.

Consider it done.

Thank you, sir.

Jenks!

We did it, guys!

Ugh, your dad's network has like

20 layers of encryptions.

Even our microwave

is password protected.

Door secure.

We can't quit.

With this software,

Albert could be totally virtual.

He could text, call,

and video chat,

all on his own.

He'll be better than 3D.

He'll be 3D-licious.

Mmm.

We're in!

Welcome to

Superior Gaming Incorporated

This is it.

Begin prototype creation.

Enter geopolitical

allegiance.

I don't know.

Griffindor?

America.

What is the project home base?

The high school.

Who is the project commander?

You.

Duh.

Set character

capability levels.

Go big or go home,

I always say.

Gabs,

this is the sweetest thing

that anyone

has ever done for me.

Hey, our circle

may be small,

but membership does have

its privileges.

Now tell me

your ideal male human.

And do not say Jaden.

Aim higher.

Well, he'd be tall

with brown hair.

No, blonde

with blue eyes.

Meow-zers.

And even though he's super cute,

he doesn't know it.

Which makes him even cuter.

This is amazing.

It's taking our data

and turning it into virtual DNA.

He would be super polite,

like almost Canadian.

He would be

sensitive and brave.

And with just one look,

he would know exactly

how I feel.

Oh,

and he should be strong

without being a meathead.

And honest.

I wouldn't have to guess

what he's thinking all the time.

He would just tell me.

Mind-blowing.

I want him to notice

the little things.

And be wise

beyond his years.

Going to homecoming with him

wouldn't be awkward or scary

like it would be

with other boys.

And when he walks into

the dance holding my hand,

it's just perfect,

like strolling down

a rose-petaled path

in the sparkling moonlight

in Paris.

Wow. You've really

thought about this.

And everyone

will be watching.

But it'll feel like we're

the only two people on earth.

And when we kiss...

it'll be the perfect kiss.

And the moment will burn

in my memory forever,

like a magical brain tattoo.

Oh, wow.

Am I good or what?

Hello, Mae.

Begin fabrication sequence.

Oh, that was crazy.

Mae?

Mae?

Are you okay?

I can still see him.

He was so... perfect.

Do you smell smoke?

I think we might have fried some circuits.

You can say that again.

Come on.

Did we do this?

Unless they make computers

in extra crispy Cajun-style,

I'd say yes.

Wait here.

Busted.

Huh.

Bart.

I thought

you were asleep.

No, justice never sleeps.

I'm the man of the house

right now.

The keeper of the realm.

And trespassing

in my dad's office

is a major offense.

Well, I'd appreciate

your discretion.

Well, it's...

It will not come cheap.

That sounds kind of creepy.

What do you have in mind?

Homecoming,

you and me.

Unthinkable.

Come on, just expand your mind.

I do not believe in

school-sponsored romantic events.

It's a front

for the corsage industry.

I read about it online.

That's unfortunate because

that's my dad's car pulling in.

What's going on?

Fine!

Cover for us.

What? Like, okay?

Like fine, are we going?

Fabrication sequence complete.

Welcome home, Pops!

How's my favorite

role model?

How much do you want,

Bart? Huh?

Okay, 20 bucks,

is that enough?

Dad,

you're so cynical.

Maybe I just want

to celebrate you.

After 16 years, you're starting now?

No, I have work to do...

No, no,

work can wait.

Mom is out of town.

She is?

Yeah.

That means

it's you time.

You know,

why don't you chillaxify.

Vegetize.

Is something burning?

Spot of chamomile tea?

Oh.

Why don't we come on

over here?

We'll settle into your

lucky thinking chair.

Bart.

Ooh.

Oh.

We'll even throw on some of

that smooth jazz you love.

Oh, I love

the smooth jazz, yes.

There you go.

How do you feel now?

Comfortable.

Suspicious but...

...comfortable.

Okay.

All right,

what's the big emergency?

Ho-oh!

Keep your cookies

in the jar.

We cannot let Nevaeh

get the best of us,

so I hacked into your

dad's computer

and designed Mae

a boy.

Not just any boy.

The best boy ever.

Okay,

I'm gonna go throw up.

Good luck with this,

ladies.

Wait, wait, wait!

So I guess our deal is off?

Wait, what deal?

A very personal

and private deal

which is none

of your concern.

Okay, when I told you

I would cover for you,

I didn't mean all this!

Oh, fine!

Just go to school

tomorrow.

I have a free period

in the morning,

I'll handle this.

And you really think

you can fix all this?

Easy, hotshot.

You're not the only one who knows

your way around a motherboard.

Hi, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

See you, Dr. Hartley.

General McFee.

I've been trying you

for hours.

You better get yourself

down to the lab, now!

There's been an incident.

I... I... of course, yes.

I... I'm on my way.

Oh, Mae!

Quelle surprise.

We're late for class.

Your new boyfriend

just added me.

Talk about Gorgie

McGorgeous.

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