How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #2

I can't. I've been cancelling him all week.

Why can't we cancel this dinner?

I'm not in the mood for that mob.

If I had known we were having dinner,

I'd never have suggested lunch.

We can have both. People do, darling.

- I suppose Wheelstock will be there.

- Don't take it out on Penny.

Christ, what am I going to do?

Dennis, for goodness' sake,

stop getting so paranoid.

Everything will be all right. You've had

these sort of problems many times before.

- Not like this, I haven't.

- Oh, yes you have.

You had a terrible time with piles.

I did not have

a terrible time with piles.

I may have had a problem

getting ahold of them,

- but selling them was a piece of cake.

- You're raising your voice.

Compared to this,

piles were a birthday present.

- So was dandruff. So was breath.

- You're still raising your voice.

The whole lot taken together,

including the f***ing lawnmowers,

is as nothing compared

to the pimples, acne and boils!

I don't want to go back in there.

Don't worry about it.

Don't think about boils.

If a boil pops up, force yourself

to think of something else.

- OK.

- And don't go near your office.

Just see Bristol and come home.

- Are you sure you can't wait for me?

- Sorry, I can't, darling.

Get Bristol on the line and

tell him I'm coming in to see him now.

Yeah. Have him call me later.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Bagley.

I didn't expect you till four o'clock.

- Here, take a look at this.

- What is it?

It's a photostat of an arse

from a copying machine.

- Don't recognise it, do you?

- Not offhand, no.

You gave the juniors

a bit of a tongue-lashing yesterday.

- Really?

- Said you went over the top.

I haven't got time

to give lessons in advertising.

They asked my opinion, and I gave it.

In my opinion,

they'd completely missed the brief.

I think you're probably right.

Not now, Sheila.

As a matter of fact, I think you

helped them out. About 15 minutes.

Anyway. That's not actually

what I wanted to talk about.

How are we getting on

with the pimple cream?

Five minutes.

Is it special? 555-0472.

- Sensational.

- Can you give me a verbal peek?

- You know me, John. I'd rather not.

- That's what I thought.

No, Los Angeles 555-0472.

I'm very pleased to hear it,

because I'll tell you frankly,

they were on the phone this morning,

threatening to pull the account.

Anyone but you and they would.

It's finished. Just a fine-tune.

I'll be through over the weekend.

Can we diarise on that?

- Of course.

- Wonderful. Wonderful.

Yes. Put him through.

Mmm? Mm-hm.

Really? Why so fast?

Really?

What happened to Seymour,

Hickwash, Bone, Riddle and Gore?

Really?

What about OCDS?

Wh... Is it a kipper?

Oh, that's interesting.

What a complete range of dinners.

Frozen kippers...

Just hang on a second, Bagley.

No. He's here now. I'll ask him.

No, no, he's finished.

He'll be through Monday, for sure.

Hang on a sec, Eddie.

Can you handle a Monday pitch?

It's a quickie. You'd have to go in dry.

- What's the product?

- It's a boil-in-a-bag.

- You all right. Bagley?

- Yes, I'm fine.

Tell him OK. I'll be in

first thing Monday morning.

You must stop worrying.

If a boil pops up, force yourself

to think of something else.

You're absolutely right.

I'm absolutely not

gonna think about boils,

large boils, blind boils or fat girls' boils,

till ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

What about large, blind,

fat girls with boils?

I see the police have made

another lightning raid.

- Paddington drug orgy.

- Huh.

I suppose young girls was involved?

"One discovered naked in the kitchen,

"breasts smeared with peanut butter.

"The police took away a bag containing

15 grams of cannabis resin.

"It may also contain

a quantity of heroin."

Or a pork pie.

I beg your pardon?

I said, the bag may also

have contained a pork pie.

I hardly see a pork pie's

got anything to do with it.

All right, then,

what about a large turnip?

It may also have contained a big turnip.

- The bag was full of drugs.

- Nonsense.

The bag was full of drugs! It says so!

The bag could have been

full of anything.

Pork pies, turnips, oven parts.

- It's the oldest trick in the book.

- What book?

The distortion of truth

by association book.

The word is "may".

You all believe heroin was in the bag

because cannabis resin was in the bag.

The bag may have contained heroin,

but the chances are 100 to one

certain that it didn't.

Lot more likely than what you say.

About as likely

as the tits spread with peanut butter.

- Do you mind?

- The tits were spread with peanut butter!

- Nonsense.

- It says so!

Who's the man you are to think

you know more about it than the press?

I'm an expert on tits.

Tits and peanut butter.

I'm also an expert drug pusher.

- I've been pushing drugs for 20 years.

- Look here, I've had enough of this!

And I can tell you,

a pusher protects his pitch.

We wanna sell 'em cigarettes

and don't like competition, see?

So we associate

a relatively innocuous drug

with one that is extremely dangerous.

And the rags go along with it because

they adore the dough from the ads.

I've had enough of this.

I'm getting off at Thatchet.

Getting off at Thatchet won't help you.

Getting off anywhere won't.

I've had an octopus squatting

on my brain for a fortnight,

and I suddenly see that

I am the only one that can help you.

It would be pointless

to go into the reasons why,

but I've been worried sick

about boils for a fortnight.

Large boils, small boils, fast eruptors.

They're incurable, all of them.

I know that, and so does everybody else.

Until they get one.

Then the rules suddenly change.

With a boil on the nose,

there's a sudden overnight surge in faith.

They wanna believe something will work.

He knows that, which is why

he gets a good look in with the dying.

Sell some hope, you see?

But these boys would be full-time

into real estate

if anyone came up

with a genuine cure for death!

Good God, this is a madman!

What do you know about God,

you wire-haired Mick?

Here, have 'em. I've given up.

- What on earth are you doing?

- I'm reading a newspaper.

We're in the middle of a dinner party.

I'm sorry. I can't bear

that great, pompous herbivore in there.

I'm sick of hearing

about her soya proteins.

You might at least

make a bit of an effort.

At least sit at the table.

Bring the cream.

- Both breasts and the leg removed?

- When all's said and done,

it's perfectly obvious

most girls love being on the pill.

What utter balls, Jonathan.

Do you think women like

filling their bodies with chemicals?

- We're talking about eels, darling.

- Yes, it is most extraordinary.

Apparently, by the year 2000,

the level of oestrogen in the sea

will be as much as two parts per million.

So many women taking the pill, you see.

The problem is,

it's starting to mess up the fish.

- They're breeding in the sea.

- I thought fish did.

Not eels, darling. Eels breed in rivers.

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