How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #3

I think men should bleed.

What a disgusting thing to say!

You find bleeding disgusting, do you?

Not particularly.

Just the way you said it.

That horrible sneer

and mouth full of nuts.

Darling, Penny is our guest.

Women, I might inform you,

take that primitive device called the pill

because it's all they've got.

They don't like it.

I personally abhor it.

But, unfortunately, it's all we've got.

- In what context?

- In the context of bed.

I'm surprised you need to bother.

Cointreau, anyone?

Darling, I know you're having

a very difficult time at the moment,

and I know you've had rather a lot

to drink and didn't mean what you said.

But Penny is our guest

and I'd like you to apologise.

He doesn't need to apologise. Those kinds

of sexist attitudes are beyond apology.

What do you mean by that?

Do you really think I don't understand?

You dislike me because I'm not one

of those starved little tarts you exploit.

I don't rush out

and buy your latest makeup.

I have a mind of my own.

And I have a body of my own

that doesn't fit into the preconceived

patterns men like you dictate.

- You mean you're fat.

- Yes, I'm fat!

And you're perfectly at liberty

to hate me for it.

You're quite wrong.

I don't dislike you because of that.

I wouldn't care if you were so huge

we had to put up scaffolding to feed you.

Oh, for God's sake,

let's not have a row.

- Why not? Why shouldn't we have a row?

- Because nobody wants one!

- You're being completely irrational.

- Irrational?

We're all prepared to sit here

discussing mung beans and soya protein,

but if anybody touches on

anything real, it's irrational?

Right, then, you're being rude.

Unutterably rude and a bore!

- Bagley, come and have a drink.

- I've had a drink, thank you.

Now I'm going to have another.

- Do you wear Y-fronts?

- Don't tell him.

I think you're contemptible.

And I think you are a vegan

who eats meat in secret.

- See? She's a meat-eating vegan.

- I do not eat meat!

But you'll eat fish

till the cows come home.

- Don't argue with him.

- Fish is allowed!

Including eels? Eels full of oestrogen?

If it's buggering the eels,

think what it's doing to you.

- Get back to your fig bottling!

- You're going out of control.

Oh, no, I'm not.

I'm just beginning to see the light.

- You're talking nonsense.

- It's all so clear.

I've been living a nightmare,

obsessed with other people's acne,

wracking my brains

to be original about boils.

I've been going berserk!

But then I suddenly thought

of a pork pie.

- Get his Valium.

- I tell you, it was like a f***ing brainwave!

I have discovered that brains

are being laundered daily.

I have found that out,

but it shall be no more!

Jesus Christ!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm completing a process

of natural selection.

I'm going through everything in the house

and isolating items of genuine worth.

All other products, especially

those contaminated with advertising,

I am disposing of.

Have you gone out of your mind?

I know it's going to be difficult, but I'll

explain properly and you will understand.

Dennis, listen to me.

You're under tremendous stress.

You were drunk last night, and probably

don't realise it, but you were out of control.

Maybe I was, but now I've had time to work

things out, get everything in perspective.

Darling, can't you see what you're doing

this morning is equally out of control?

Oh, no, you're quite wrong, Julia.

There's nothing out of control about me now.

I know exactly what I'm doing now.

God in heaven!

The sweet stench of revenge!

Please stop that. I think you're ill.

I'm gonna do those bastard

television sets in here.

- Like you're doing the vacuum cleaner?

- That's right.

Except I'm gonna do them better.

I'm gonna turn them on and do them in the

middle of an advertisement for themselves.

- I'm going to drown them.

- You call that rational, do you?

Certainly. Everything I do is rational.

Why have you put chickens

down the lavatory?

To thaw them before dismemberment.

You're ill, darling.

I want you to get out of the bath.

They feed 'em on fish,

they taste like fish,

so I shall dismember them and return them

via the sewers to the sea.

Get out of the bloody bath!

I know this must be all

sort of upsetting for you, darling,

but honestly, I assure you

of its necessity.

- It has to be done or we'll never be free.

- From what?

What sort of freedom can you get from

hacking a vacuum cleaner to pieces?

Look at you! You've got a polythene bag

on your head. You look stark raving mad.

You need help. You need rest.

This cursed pimple cream

has got on top of you.

Which is why I intend to escape.

You're not escaping it.

You're encouraging it.

- You're suffering them yourself.

- What do you mean?

You're so run down,

you've got a boil yourself.

- Me?

- Yes.

A horrid looking boil,

spouting from your neck.

You never had a boil

before in your life.

You're totally worn out,

both physically and emotionally.

My God, you're right!

I've got a boil.

Sullivan Bristol. One moment.

I'm gonna collect

something from my office.

While I'm there, get hold of Bristol

and tell him I'm coming to see him.

- Mr Bristol's out. Sullivan Bristol.

- I want a call the moment he turns up.

And get me a couple of dispatch boys.

I need some equipment moved.

Ow!

I've come to give you a present.

How nice.

To me, this represents

everything that is wrong

and everything that is vile

with this profession.

- Really?

- It is the reason I'm resigning.

- What's suddenly upset you about it?

- The hypocrisy it represents.

- It was never used.

- Not its. Mine.

I believed in it, and I sat back like some

gagged little idiot while they buggered it.

- I should have resigned then.

- I see.

I don't approve of its rejection.

I can no longer tolerate it.

I don't approve of Her Majesty's

Government's cynical little bit of twaddle

that smoking can seriously

damage your health

as any kind of acceptable alternative.

I wouldn't have thought

anyone was arguing about that.

Precisely. Nobody's arguing about it,

especially the government.

The only f***er this ever frightened

was the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

But I'm going to argue about it.

I'm going to shout about it!

- I wouldn't do that, old chap.

- Can damage your health?

What's "can" got to do with it?

Can, could, might, possibly, maybe.

"Does" is the word we want to hear.

The bastards are killing 100,000 a year.

Warning by Her Majesty's Government.

"This product contains

highly toxic carcinogenic poisons.

"Avoid all contact. Do not inhale.

"Should inhalation occur,

seek immediate advice from a physician."

I saw Harry yesterday. He said you were

having problems with the pimple cream.

Did he? Well, he's wrong.

Because I have eradicated

the pimple cream from my life.

He also said you lost your temper

with some photographs.

That's right. Closeups of hives.

Don't you think the way you reacted

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