How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #4

could be considered a little irrational?

Don't start the old irrational

bollocks with me, Bristol!

I'm up to here with it. I know everything

there is to know about rationality,

and I know everything

there is to know about advertising.

- Hold them, Sheila.

- So don't tell me I'm being irrational.

Because I'm the man who's taken

the stench out of everything but sh*t.

OK, old chap, why don't

you take some time off?

What the f*** do you think

I'm resigning for?

I'm taking forever off.

I'm going to cleanse my life.

I'm going to rid my mind

and body of poisons,

and when I've done it, I intend to make it

my life's work to encourage others to do it.

- And how will you do that?

- By telling them, you bald fool.

Walking up and down

with a sandwich board?

- If necessary.

- Advertising, dear boy.

How dare you! How...

Aagh!

- What's the matter, Bagley?

- I've got a boil.

A big boil. I believe it's justice.

The poison quitting my miserable system.

15 years ago, I was out there

on the floor where you are now,

and I was very like you, Bagley.

I was the best.

But I got myself into some

trouble with a gas-fired heating system.

I tell you, I was desperate.

I made myself ill with worry.

I finally ended up at a specialist

who told me I'd given myself an ulcer.

But it was a lot more than that to me.

As far as I was concerned,

I'd given myself a detonator.

I became obsessed with fears

of spontaneous combustion.

This gas-fired business had penetrated

so deeply into my subconscious,

I thought I was seconds away

from bursting into flames.

I started drinking water,

sometimes as much as 25 pints a day.

I slept with a bucketful by the bed.

I even bought a fire extinguisher.

I'm surprised you needed to bother.

You must have pissed like a fire engine.

Anyway, what's all this

got to do with me?

What I'm telling you

is that I tried to quit too,

but the man who sat here

refused to accept my resignation.

- Hard luck.

- Was it?

I took a month off and went abroad,

rested and got myself a tan

and then I came back.

And by Christ, Bagley,

did I sell some radiators.

- Really?

- Never been better.

And I'll tell you something else.

I didn't burst into flames, either.

Well, let's hope it's not too late.

Cos if you went up,

it would save me a job.

Cos I tell you, Bristol, any night now,

I'm likely to turn up here

and burn this dump to the ground.

I can't believe

how the thing could grow so quickly.

This morning it was a pea.

Now it's like a f***ing tomato.

I can't bear it any longer, Julia.

The bastard's on fire!

Bathe it in warm water again.

I have bathed it in warm water again.

I've washed it, dried it, poked it,

agitated it, insulted it.

Nothing. All it does is throb

and get bigger.

It's like a thing in a medical magazine.

- Hasn't the mustard helped?

- Of course not.

- Maybe you should try the English.

- This is the English.

No, it's not, darling.

It's Dijon with fine herbs.

Why don't you take some aspirin?

Never! I'm gonna knife the swine!

Calm down! It's just a big boil.

First thing in the morning, I'll run you

into town and we'll have it looked at.

Now come to bed.

Julia...

it's just grown a hair.

Oh, it's two o'clock in the morning!

Will you please come to bed?

Not now.

I gotta get down there and do some work.

Come on, race!

Come on. He needs some help.

What are we gonna tell him?

All we gotta do is tell him to throw

a rock through their window.

Then knock on the door

and sell them all a burglar alarm.

- Right.

- Oh, this is a good idea.

- Mwah!

- Oh, you missed me!

I'm going again.

- Oh! Ready? Mwah!

- Mm... Mwah!

Oh, I think you're wonderful.

Shall I follow you?

Yeah. Come on, let's hit

this cathode ray tube.

OK. Ready? Here I go! Whee!

And whee!

Hiya, handsome.

You can go home, Mrs Wallace.

Dr Gatty, please. Julia Bagley.

Well, can you page him?

I need him at once!

Good. Yes, wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you.

The boil! The boil!

It's alive! It lives!

- What do you mean?

- It's grown a head!

I looked at it in the bathroom mirror,

and it spoke to me!

Aah! Have a look at it!

- I have, darling.

- What's it doing?

Nothing. It's just a big boil.

Boils don't have ears!

Boils don't have mouths that smile!

No, darling. Neither does yours.

I promise you, it's all part of this silly,

silly stress you're going through.

Come along.

We'll go and look at it together.

I don't think I dare.

Shall I tell you what happened?

You were dreaming. You dreamt

you woke up and went to the bathroom.

You may have even slept walked there.

You saw your own face in the mirror,

and it frightened you.

Things like that are always happening

when people are under

dreadful mental stress.

- Do you think so?

- I'm certain of it.

That'll be Dr Gatty.

Come upstairs and put something on.

- What's the problem, Julia?

- Dennis thinks he's got a talking boil.

- What?

- I can't go into it now, but he's manic.

- Where is he?

- Upstairs.

How is this manifesting?

Dennis, darling! Dennis!

Dennis, come back! Stop!

Ah! Come on, boy.

Come on, Dennis. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Stay back, Gatty!

You blast it on the radio!

- All right. Here you are. Now, now, boy.

- Aah! Aah!

- Now, now, now. Come on.

- Aah! Aah!

There, there, there.

There. All done. All done.

How do you think he'd react to

a suggestion of psychoanalysis, Julia?

Well, he'll agree. He'll have to.

Not necessarily. He's almost

certainly convinced of his sanity.

In which case, it might well be difficult

to persuade him a psychiatrist could help.

The only thing he'd consent to

at the moment is me lancing the boil.

Why don't you?

Do it now while he's asleep?

I'm not an expert

in these things, Julia.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Removing it in his condition might

set up some kind of permanent block.

You've got to remember, as far as

he's concerned, I wouldn't be lancing it.

I'd be decapitating it,

and that could be dangerous.

We don't know who this person is.

It might be a relative. His mother.

- I think it's a male.

- Father, then.

I'm sure that before any attempt

is made to get rid of it,

you've got to find out who it is.

Once we've done that,

we've got a good chance

of converting it back to a normal boil.

Then I'll lance it.

For the moment, it's just a matter

of getting him to see a good psychoanalyst.

- Do you know someone?

- I know a very good man in town.

- It might take two or three days.

- He'll have to consent.

- If he doesn't, we'll have to make him.

- I fear so.

- What do you mean?

- Could involve certification.

But he's just exhausted.

He's not really mad, is he?

Running naked around a garden

insisting a boil has spoken to you

is more than just exhaustion, Julia.

Look. This is what I suggest. Tomorrow,

I'll call you with an appointment.

You have to do your best

to get him there.

For the moment, make sure he keeps

taking the tablets every two hours.

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