How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #5

He'll stay under control.

When he wakes up, try and be normal.

Cook him dinner.

You'll probably have

to go along with him.

It'll be difficult. You'll have to try.

And you'd better keep a record

of what the boil says.

At least, what he says it says.

Could be important.

Don't worry. We'll sort it out.

- What are those?

- Just pills.

Two now, two before bed.

Do you think I'm going mad, Julia?

Goodness gracious, no!

Dr Gatty says you're simply

paying the price of your creativity.

He says you have such an active imagination,

it's taking advantage of you.

- What did he say about the boil?

- He said it's perfectly normal.

He said it's an absolutely normal boil,

and as soon as you've

had a proper rest, it'll go away.

- Are you sure?

- Absolutely.

Trust me. Take my word for it.

Mmm. Smells good.

- Smells thumb-sucking good.

- Thank you, darling.

- I didn't say anything.

- Oh, I see.

Now we're going to have a nice dinner,

and everything will be normal.

And if it speaks again,

we'll ignore it, won't we?

Promise?

- What are you doing?

- Merely whistling.

- You're staring.

- Not at all.

I was just getting ready

to clear my throat, that's all.

It's extraordinary how much steam

comes off hot peas, isn't it?

Yes, darling.

Go to France.

Yes, fancy France?

Paris in the springtime?

That'd be lovely.

That's a very attractive oven glove.

Are you ashamed of your false teeth?

- I don't have false teeth.

- I know you don't, darling. I know you don't.

What I meant was, if you did have false

teeth, would you be ashamed of them?

- It was a hypothetical question.

- Probably not.

Boeuf bourguignon.

Breath. For many, the unmentionable.

- I beg your pardon, darling?

- Just happened to be thinking about it.

Breath and false teeth and things.

You know, there's no real reason

why we should wait.

- For what?

- Paris.

We could leave in a week or so.

- We could even leave tomorrow.

- You dropped your napkin, darling.

I'll buy a couple of polo necks,

and we could hop on a plane.

Put an end to the misery of dentures.

You could smile again with confidence.

Just ask Barbara Simmons.

Why did you say that?

Who is Barbara Simmons?

I don't know.

- Then why talk about her?

- I don't know.

- You're not really trying, you know.

- Trying what?

Trying not to talk

about breath and false teeth

and people with names

like Barbara Simmons.

I am, Julia.

It's got nothing to do with me.

It's the you-know-what.

Well, it's ever so slightly

getting on my nerves.

- I thought we weren't going to listen to it.

- I can't help but listen to it.

And I can't stop

the you-know-what saying it.

Stop saying "the you-know-what".

All right, then. The boil.

Darling, it is not the boil.

Don't you think I haven't noticed?

Every time you say something,

you turn away

or hunch your shoulder or get under

the table so I can't see your lips moving.

That's not the case, Julia.

I'm not turning away to speak.

What it's doing is waiting

till I turn away before it speaks.

That's nonsense!

It was you that suggested France.

I did not, I merely confirmed

what the boil said.

- Then stop siding with it!

- Don't be ridiculous! I'm not siding with it!

I'm going crazy trying to incorporate it

into my conversation so I won't upset you.

But I never know

what it's going to say next.

What you'll say next.

It's you saying it.

It's the boil, Julia!

Believe me, it's the boil!

- I can't stand it any more.

- How do you think I feel about it?

I'm on the coast of panic.

I'm staring over the edge!

Just tell me how a boil

can come up with a name

like Barbara Simmons?

Say no more, Julia. Don't say more.

Why should a boil suddenly

suggest going to France?

- I don't know.

- Why not Portugal?

I don't know. I don't know!

Perhaps the f***er wants

to go up the Eiffel Tower!

Maybe the bastard

wants to see the sights!

Sit down! I'm going to call Gatty.

- What for?

- To see if he's got you in!

In where?

- Stay back! You need help!

- I refuse to have that quack in here.

I refuse to be rendered unconscious.

You have got to see a psychiatrist.

Are you there, Julia?

Are you there?

I have to be very quiet.

He's a very light sleeper.

I wish I could come out

and talk to you, darling.

But it's impossible. You've seen.

I have to tell you, Julia,

I'm getting increasingly

concerned for my future.

I don't know how this will end.

For all I know, in a fortnight's time,

I'll be waking up with a bald head

and a bit of a grin.

"How do you feel, Mr Bagley?"

"Much better, thank you, doctor."

But the one thing I'm not, darling,

is insane.

I'm 100 percent normal.

When I came in here,

it was my intention to make a film.

I wanted to tell the world

about advertising.

It's not finished, of course.

It's difficult to concentrate

with a shanker yacking on your neck.

Incidentally,

in case it's bothering you,

the reason I'm wearing

this wine carton on my head

is so I can talk without disturbing it.

It can't hear, you see?

The world is in danger, Julia.

The greed is out of control.

Greed is abolishing the future.

It's turning truth

inside out and upside down.

And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.

Bollocks!

Oh, Christ! I think I've woken him up.

I'll have to be quick.

What I have to explain

is the mechanics of a holocaust.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I'm not talking about atom bombs,

darling. I'm talking about hamburgers.

I had a nasty feeling I was going

to have to wake up to this.

If I was you, I'd turn this off, Julia.

It's only gonna upset you.

You see what a nightmare I'm in.

You see why I can't talk to you.

Who are you talking to, then?

God, it converses. I'm talking to it.

- I need a cigarette.

- Be silent, you Moloch!

- Moloch?

- Yes, that's you, you Moloch, you bogey!

If you insist we have to listen

to this bullshit, I need a cigarette.

All right, I'll get you one.

But on one condition.

That you'll keep quiet

while you're smoking it.

- Deal.

- Swear!

I might be a shanker,

but my word is my bond.

Don't turn off, darling.

60 seconds and I'll be back.

Oh, Mrs Wallace!

I didn't know you were here.

- I thought everyone was out.

- My husband's outside in the van.

- Is he? How is he?

- He's waiting to collect me.

Is he? Julia out shopping?

Look, I wasn't actually going through

your handbag. I need a cigarette.

Here, you can have them all.

I only want one. I don't smoke.

Got a light?

Vile. I'm glad I've given up.

Morning, darling. Lovely day.

Is it? Traffic's appalling.

You wouldn't make me

a cup of tea, would you, Sylvia?

- Tea, Dennis?

- No, thank you.

Don't pretend you haven't noticed

my cardboard box, Julia,

because I know you have.

And I know Mrs, Wallace,

God bless her, has noticed it too.

But there's a perfectly

reasonable explanation,

which I'm afraid I don't

have time to go into now.

Matter of fact, I'm very busy now.

I better get back in there.

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