How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #7

in a crisp, golden batter, my mate.

Shut up. You never talk in front

of people, so don't talk in front of me.

Suit yourself. Suit yourself.

Suit yourself.

Just thought you might be interested in

a little light rabbit to while the time away.

F*** me. What I wouldn't do

for a cigarette.

- Who are you? What do you want?

- I am your better half.

- You're not!

- Mais oui, je suis.

A very expensive psychiatrist

told you I was.

He did not!

You're just a dirty carbuncle.

There's no reason to raise your voice.

There's no reason why we shouldn't pass

these last few hours together amicably.

- Be quiet.

- That wouldn't be fair.

I listened to you

and all that Big Brother muck.

Don't mind telling you,

I was bored stiff.

I had absolutely nothing

to do under there.

Except tend me moustache, of course.

'Ere, you know why I grew it?

Big Granddad.

How did you find out

about my grandfather?

Walls have ears, Dennis.

I overheard Julia telling Gatty.

Nice pair of tits, Julia.

I believe you was unconscious

at the time.

You bastard! I only have one wish,

and that is that I could be awake

to see you lanced.

I'd like to see the knife going in.

I'd like to see you suffer.

- A typically communist statement.

- I'm not a communist!

Yes, you are. You want

to take everyone's car away.

I do not want to take

anything from anyone.

I want to give them

the choice of something better.

- Oh, yes? What?

- Trains.

Trains? Trains are no good.

They're old-fashioned.

- I hate trains. They're rotten.

- Only because they don't consume.

Only because they're already there

and don't eat up more and more and more.

That's why you hate them.

That's why government hates them.

That's why they're

old-fashioned and rotten.

- You commies don't half talk a lot of sh*t.

- Shut up! I'm not a communist!

I refuse to argue with a carbuncle.

- You are a communist.

- F*** off!

That's very rude of you, Mr Bagley.

Nobody's forcing you to have supper.

I'm sorry. That wasn't directed at you.

- Lovely.

- Thought you'd change your mind.

That wasn't me. That was the boil.

I've heard all

about your boil, Mr Bagley.

- Now, you tuck in and enjoy it.

- It's no good.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't eat.

I can't move my arm.

Looks like you're doing fine to me.

Oh, my God! Nurse!

It's the boil shaking it!

- It's the boil! Aah! Aah!

- Mmm.

Aah! Ah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Aah!

Oh, Jesus! Oh! Oh, my God!

He's got my hand! He's got my arm!

You think I'd let a little pipsqueak

like you undermine society,

ruin everything we've got?

Piss like you needs dealing with!

You're the enemy within!

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

Do you think I could have a pillow?

Yes, of course.

Thank you, Debbie.

May I call you Debbie?

You're talking to the wrong head!

Sorry, dear. I get these nasty spasms.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Shut up! I've had enough of you!

Mmph!

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

- Help! Help!

- Put some pressure on his arm.

No! No! It's the boil! Aah!

Don't you worry, old man.

You have a little sleep.

It'll all be over in the morning.

- Mm!

- Help! Help!

No!

No, don't! Don't lance the wrong...

head...

John. Bagley. I want to see you.

No, no. Just a couple of fuses blew.

Stitches coming out in a week.

Listen, we've got to talk

about this pimple cream.

Yeah, yeah, I know he has.

Forget the problems.

I'll take care of the problems.

They're gonna love waiting for it.

It's a massacre.

But I've gotta warn you,

at first it might sound ridiculous.

It's radical and not without its risks,

but I'm certain I can pull it off.

And what it is, is Lawrence of Arabia

and a little town called Aqaba.

The last thing they expected

was for Lawrence

to come roaring across the desert

and attack them from behind.

It seemed impossible.

And because it was impossible,

all their defences faced the wrong way.

And that's how I want

to sell this pimple cream.

I want to come in from behind,

where they least expect me,

just like Lawrence of Arabia.

Now. As I see it, we've gotta

forget this for at least three months.

I estimate that

as the very minimum we need

to create the ravenous market I'm after.

- And how are you gonna do that?

- By glamorising boils.

- Glamorise them?

- That's right.

I want to make them fashionable.

I want to encourage every kid

to take a pride in his breakouts.

I want to sell them the idea

that boils are beautiful.

If I can do that, I can treble

the market at a minimum.

That's absurd.

To sell atom bombs,

you've got to sell fear.

If you want to sell this pimple cream,

you've got to encourage pimples.

How?

People try and put us down

Talkin' about my generation

Just because we get around

Talkin' about my generation

Things they do look awful cold

Talkin' about my generation

I hope I die before I get old

Talkin' about my generation

This is my generation

This is my generation, baby

Why don't you all just fade away?

Talkin' about my generation

Don't try to dig what we all say

Talkin' about my generation

I'm not trying to cause

a big sensation

Talkin' about my generation

I'm just talkin' about my generation

Talkin' about my generation

This is my generation

This is my generation

Talkin' about my generation

This is my generation

This is my generation, baby?

Talkin' about my...

Cut! Cut! One more, boys. Get it right.

- Open the doors.

- Gotta go, Bagley.

- Richard, are you free Saturday?

- Yeah.

Julia's putting a party together.

It's our anniversary.

If you like, we'd love you along.

Oh! What are you doing?

Wake up, man! We're in mortal peril!

- How'd it go?

- Terrific.

- She's gonna be terrific.

- The stitches.

Terrific. Didn't feel a thing.

Coming up to bed, darling?

Mm, in a minute. Just watching this.

- It's fascinating.

- What is it?

A thriller.

Don't be too long,

because I'm practically dead.

I didn't know you'd invited Penny.

Of course I invited Penny. You'd better

be nice to her, cos she's my friend.

Poor Penny. I'm surprised she'd come.

I suppose she does it

out of some sort of social duty,

like organising Dutch caps

for the Hindus.

It's nearly eight. Hurry up.

There's just this little piece

of neck here I need to kiss.

You're looking very summery, Penny.

Thank you.

It's a Meilleur, made in India.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Are you having an affair, Julia?

- No.

- Then what's up?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just so wound up about Dennis,

terrified his thing

will start talking again.

- Well, it hasn't, has it?

- Not exactly.

But I had this terrible, terrible dream,

Penny, a nightmare,

- and I can't get it out of my head.

- Mrs Bagley, the musicians are here.

Tell them to come in, Sylvia,

do whatever they like.

We can't talk here.

Come and have a drink.

It said Dennis wasn't my husband.

It said it was.

And it said it with

this horrible sort of mouth.

It said Dennis is an incarnation

of evil with a briefcase.

It kept going on about a briefcase.

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