How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #8

Then it said, "Zero, zero, zero,"

again and again and again.

- And what's "Zero, zero, zero"?

- It's horrendous. I don't know.

- And that's it?

- No.

Then it told me to get an electric

carving knife and cut his head off.

It's not funny, Penny. It's the most

terrifying experience of my life.

- So real, it could have been real.

- Have you told Dennis?

Of course not. The last thing

I want to do is excite him.

I tell you, Penny, I'm still

waiting to scream about it.

- Come along.

- Along where?

- We're gonna look in the case.

- Don't be so silly.

Dennis doesn't even have a briefcase.

He loathes them.

- Uses an old doctor's bag.

- Then, with all due respect,

I hardly see that I should be

the one accused of being silly.

It's you that's had the silly dream.

And, under the circumstances,

I'm surprised you get to sleep at all.

I personally would be up

all night with a revolver.

It's not just the dream, Penny.

Ever since Dennis came out of hospital,

he's been peculiar, sexually.

He's obsessed

with blackheads and f***ing.

- And not in that order.

- But you've always adored f***ing.

Not when I'm cleaning my teeth, I don't!

Not when I'm doing anything, I don't.

The truth is, Penny,

I can't bear him touching me.

I don't know why, but I can't.

I'm running out of headaches.

He's absolutely sex mad.

Yesterday evening, he said

he wished I had nipples on my arse.

Don't!

That's just the least of it.

Lord, they're arriving.

I'll tell you about this later.

You breathe a word of this to anyone,

Penny, and I'll absolutely kill you.

- Hello.

- Ah!

- Hello, darling.

- Mm! Dying for a pee. This is Monica.

- Hello, Monica. Come and have a drink.

- Thank you.

- Penny Wheelstock.

- Hello.

- This is the most lovely room.

- Thank you.

And, uh, how long have you been married?

- Seven years.

- Congratulations.

- Snap.

- Sorry?

- You're wearing Le De. Givenchy.

- Oh!

It's my totally favourite scent,

and they've stopped making it.

Have they? I bought it in Marbella.

Did you? Well, you're lucky.

It's extinct.

Richard, darling,

can I get something over with?

- Then we can all forget about it.

- Sure.

I didn't really want to have this party.

I thought we might be rushing it a bit.

Dennis's psychiatrist thinks it's a good

idea to get him back into the swim.

But he's all right, isn't he?

- I've never seen him on such good form.

- Absolutely. He's fine.

But he just had his stitches out,

so naturally, we're a bit apprehensive.

So if anything happens,

which I'm certain it won't,

the idea is we all

sort of go along with him.

- We humour him, discreetly.

- Not exactly, Penny.

We just behave normally.

I don't want him excited.

- I certainly don't want any arguments.

- What's the matter with him?

He was overworked and nearly had

a breakdown, but he's much better now.

You're alive.

Can you speak?

You don't look at all well, you know.

Not being a medical man,

I wouldn't take my word for it,

but I'd say you had the mark.

You look like a doomed bollock.

- I want to speak to my wife.

- Oh, you can talk, can you?

Let me speak to Julia,

and I swear I'll never speak again.

Speak to her of what, boil?

I want her to see my film. Please?

Oh, so that's what's

worrying you, is it?

Well, let me put your mind at rest.

Firstly, on a purely ideological basis,

it's out of the question.

And second, I burnt it.

- Oh, no!

- Oh, yes.

And prepare yourself for another

little fluctuation of blood pressure,

cos it's not the only thing I've burnt.

- I've also burnt Julia's diaphragm.

- Oh, no!

Oh, yes! It's time Julia had a baby.

- Ogre!

- Hopefully a baby boy-bol.

You are a criminal ogre.

It's all quite normal, boil.

Now, I intend to commence

vigorous intercourse at about one am.

I don't want to go too far

into the details of what this might mean,

but if I was you,

I'd have an early night.

Cut your throat, monster.

In the name of humanity,

cut your filthy throat.

Don't start getting emotional.

I'll do everything I can to harm you!

You can't harm me,

you miserable little bit of garbage.

You'll be dead in a couple of days,

so why don't you try and do it

with some dignity?

Dignity? You're corruption.

Julia! Julia!

50 per cent of politics

is about creating a problem.

The other 50 percent

is about offering to solve it.

All you've got to do

is bugger something up,

then hasten to your nearest

TV station with a solution.

Doesn't matter what it is.

The environment, hospitals, crime...

Create a crime wave and up will pop some

perfectly plausible head-selling police.

- The rock through the window technique.

- That's exactly what it is.

It might work on everyone else.

It doesn't work on me.

If you breathe air, it works on you.

Large one, no ice, please, Richard.

If you're aware of it, how can you bear

to work in an industry that perpetuates it?

It's probably a defect from birth.

Come and rescue me. I'm being attacked.

- Who's attacking you?

- Penelope here.

She's telling me off because

I think your husband's a genius.

It's outrageous that Dennis should be

allowed to manipulate children's minds.

There is the dear boy. Come along.

I want to ask you both a question.

Is that him?

- He's very good-looking.

- If you like that sort of thing.

- Julia seems terribly tense.

- Surprised? It's him.

He had an operation.

Went weird in the bed department.

- What do you mean?

- Sex. Hello, Basil.

- Hello, Penny. Lovely party.

- Super.

- Apparently, he's insatiable.

- Really?

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

Shouldn't really be telling you this.

It was said in the strictest of confidence.

And that's exactly how I'm telling you.

She said he's got a permanent horn.

- Really?

- She said she's desperate.

The other night, she woke up

and caught him

down the bed

with a huge black rubber torch.

- Torch?

- Flashlight.

- Doing what?

- Scrutinising.

He was under the covers.

Said he'd lost something. Contact lens.

Said he didn't want to wake her up.

And unlucky for her that he did,

cos she got another hour's worth.

I'm not going to make a speech.

I'd just like to thank you all for coming

and for making our anniversary

so special.

And most of all, I'd like

to thank Julia for organising it all

and for being such a special wife.

How about a toast to Bagley and Julia?

- Bagley and Julia.

- Bagley and Julia.

I'd also like to propose

a small snifter to our new star.

- I thought she was coming.

- She is, she's been held up.

- To Phyllis Blokey.

- Phyllis.

- Phyllis.

- Blokey.

- She's the singer with the boils.

- To boils, acne and blackheads.

What's this cream

going to be called, anyway?

Don't know yet. Right now we're stuck

with "Filthy Harry's Final Solution".

- Who's Filthy Harry?

- You know, Harry Wax. Creative.

- The only man here in a hired suit.

- He's as close as a Doberman's balls.

Don't want to say

anything bad about him.

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