How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #9

- Then don't.

- This is excellent.

Yes, I was about to say,

I notice Penny's gone carnivorous.

- She lacked protein.

- And minerals.

I wasn't getting all I needed

out of normal green stuff.

I don't think anyone would ever

encourage me to grow boils.

You're not the market

I'm after, darling.

But if you were, I would.

I could sell you anything

from a boil to a hydrogen bomb.

- I don't think so. I'm anti-nuke.

- Hear, hear.

How's the new book coming along, Penny?

Shall I tell you why people

buy hydrogen bombs?

Because they're not like

the bombs people used to use in wars.

We put an added ingredient

into bombs these days.

It's called peace.

Our warheads are stuffed

to the brim with it.

We're years ahead

of the competition, of course.

- The Russians don't put peace in theirs.

- Very good, Bagley.

Can anyone think of a discreet

way of changing the subject?

I'm sorry, Julia. I'm afraid

Dennis is absolutely right.

There's a splendid example of what

he's talking about outside our building.

- Ever looked at it?

- Can't say as I have.

Well, there's an obelisk there

to the glory of the Royal Marines,

and it's a plaque depicting a Marine

shoving his bayonet into a Chinaman's guts.

He's so shocked, his pigtail's

sticking up like an exclamation mark.

And underneath it says,

"Shanghai Campaign, 1898."

Imagine seeing that in Peking.

A plaque of a Chinaman

pumping his bayonet into

an Englishman halfway up Regent Street,

a bowler hat, levitating in shock,

and underneath,

"West London Campaign, 1898."

Why don't you shut your trap,

you cynical old anus?

A joke. Just a joke.

Don't think the bandages might be

a bit on the tight side, Bagley?

No. Perfect, thank you.

Julia! Julia!

Are you all right, darling?

Marvellous.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

I tell you, he's absolutely barking.

Criminal. You filthy criminal!

Shut up, you little moron!

I'd like to wring your bastard neck!

Do it, then. Do it.

Put me out of my misery.

Oh, no, not yet,

you unwholesome pustule.

I want you to live just a bit longer.

I want you around tonight

when the shagging begins.

Tasty bit of glue, is it?

Here, have another suck.

Let's hear you squawk now.

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed

To think they would doubt my love

Yet today, my love has gone away

I am without my love

Come on, Julia. Come and dance.

Not now, darling.

Come on. I insist.

Go on. It's his anniversary.

Smoke gets in your eyes

- Have you got a cold?

- Not my drug.

I know that smell. Givenchy.

Oh! You don't have to hold me

quite so tightly, Dennis.

Sorry. Afraid the clinch

is the only dance I know.

Heh.

Oh, Julia. Julia, darling.

No. Monica.

I know.

Julia. Please don't scream or pull away.

We might never get this chance again.

It's difficult for me to talk,

because my sinuses are full of glue.

You're not wearing a bra.

Not really.

I love you. I love you desperately.

This isn't a dream. It's reality.

Don't speak. Just listen. I'm desperate.

You're going to need a condom,

and quick!

The f***ing's going to start

in about an hour,

and believe me, you're going

to have a monster on top of you.

Aah!

Stay away from me! Keep away!

Has the bastard been whispering to you?

Bastard! Bastard!

- It's all right.

- Bastard!

Oh!

Everything's under control.

Please stay and enjoy the party.

- Sorry.

- Monica?

I'm sorry, Julia, but I think

your husband's completely bananas!

Going along with someone is not the same

as listening to a tirade of obscenity!

- What did he say?

- I can't tell you.

- I'm sorry, Julia.

- Bye, darling.

- Lovely party.

- Thank you.

- Richard, your case.

- Oh, no, it's not mine.

It belongs to Bagley.

He left it at the studio.

Boil?

Boil!

Boil.

Boil!

Can you hear me, boil?

Where has he hidden the briefcase?

The world is in danger, Julia.

The greed is out of control.

Greed is abolishing the future.

It's turning truth

inside out and upside down.

And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.

Oh, Christ, I think I've woken him up.

I'll have to be quick.

What I have to explain

is the mechanics of a holocaust.

And I'm not talking

about atom bombs, darling.

I'm talking about hamburgers.

I had a nasty feeling

I was going to have to wake up to this.

If I was you, Julia, I'd turn this off.

- It's only going to upset you.

- You see what a nightmare I'm in.

You see why I can't talk to you.

- Who are you talking to, then?

- God, it converses!

- I'm talking to it.

- I need a cigarette.

- Be silent, you Moloch.

- Moloch?

Yes, yes, you, you Moloch, you bogey!

If you insist we have to listen

to this bullshit, I need a cigarette.

All right, I'll get you one,

but on one condition.

That you keep quiet

while you're smoking it.

Don't turn off, darling.

60 seconds, and I'll be back.

Penny said you had a bad dream.

Did she? Well, she shouldn't have.

She said the boil had spoken to you.

It didn't. Believe me, it didn't.

- It told me where you'd hidden the case.

- It didn't.

I told you where I'd put the briefcase.

I didn't dare wake up and ask

why you decided to vacuum clean me

in the middle of the night.

I told you where I'd put the case

because I'm all too aware of the tension

you've been trying to conceal.

And, painful though it is for me,

I thought by letting you

discover the film for yourself,

it would have some sort

of therapeutic effect.

There'd be no more secrets,

nothing left to hide.

I realise, of course, that was foolish.

If the boil didn't speak to me,

how did I know the combination?

Because it's written up in the kitchen.

It's been on the bulletin board

for weeks.

You must have seen it 200 times.

I never noticed noticing it.

It's on a red and white receipt.

I'll go and get it, if you like.

I realise I've been very selfish.

So busy thinking

of the stress I was under,

I'd completely forgotten

what a terrible time it's been for you.

I really don't want you

to watch this, darling.

I intended to burn it.

It's only going to upset you.

I'm already upset.

Please be quiet.

Are you there? I pray you're there.

I've just seen you in the kitchen.

I know you think I'm crazy,

but in a minute, I'll show you my film

and you can judge

my madness for yourself.

Everything's assembled from my old ads.

All I've done is re-edit them,

re-voice them and put in the truth.

No truth ever gets out of here.

They've got this bastard by the balls.

Greed has installed its lackeys

into the highest offices in this land,

and they're conducting

a crime wave of unprecedented ferocity.

Anywhere you want

to look, they're at it.

Oil companies sold

as champions of the environment.

Wild animals prancing

through the woodlands.

Meanwhile, the filth from their cars

is wiping out half the forests of Europe.

- I can't listen to any more of this.

- You swore you'd be quiet!

Yeah, but I'd forgotten

what a nightmare you are.

I want to be heard. I want to be heard!

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